This week has not been going to my liking. Zero energy, zero motivation, zero hope. Yesterday I got an email from James about a family reunion he wants to attend. He has been bringing this up for months now and I have been telling him for months that he should go. The problem is that it is transatlantic, the kids will still be in school, and he doesn't want to leave me here by myself with the lot of them. So his first plan was to take as many as he could while I tried to convince him that it would all be some much easier and more fun for him if he did not have 3 jet lagged kids with him.
He really wants to go. His parents aren't getting any younger and I think deep down inside he fears it might be the last time he sees his father. It's not that I like being a single mom with 5 kids and I hate it when he is gone over night, but I love him too much to have him miss out on this occasion because of his sense of duty.
Today it hit me. The only way I can convince him to go is to prove to him that I am perfectly fine and that I can handle this. I know this can carry me through this phase. I'll do it for him. So he can go and enjoy some time with his family that he rarely ever sees. Of course I would prefer to go with him. It's just not possible this time. I have survived it before, I will survive it again.
I love him enough to have cleaned the kitchen now. At 11 pm. With him sound asleep. On a day when I had to add #5 to the head lice count and shaved off another head of hair. On a day when I felt that I can't do this and it is all helpless. Yes. That's how much I love him!
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