Once again I am always tired. Not sure if it is the depression creeping back, lack of sleep or just life demanding 1 million things from me. Maybe a little bit of everything.

I talked to the therapist about self sabotage. At first he didn't know what I was taking about and thought it is me expecting things to fall into place and my house being clean despite 6 kids. But no. That's not it. 

Not checking for my keys at night when I have an 8 am appointment and then frantically searching for them still when I should have left already. That is one of my self sabotage moments. When I could have done something ahead of time, with plenty of time to get it done or going to bed without worrying if I really have everything because I KNOW I have everything.

He said it is totally understandable that I don't check for that key and stay on the couch, because I am overwhelmed already and it is just one more thing demanded of me. He says it is my way of protecting myself.

I think my subconscious and I should have a talk. Wouldn't it be more effective to go look for that key in advance to spare myself the stress and panic? wouldn't life run so much smoother if I did that one load of laundry and the kids had clean sock the next morning? Wouldn't it be better to finish the days chores and then sit down and actually relax without feeling guilty about it?

Knowing it might be a way to protect myself  makes me feel better about, still I have that  nagging feeling that it would be smarter and more efficient to make myself do those little things. 

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