ANTIDOTE

They say you have to cut out toxic people from your life completely. It makes sense. I mean why would you consciously and willingly sit in poison ivy? That would be stupid. Or, unless you wanted to kill yourself, you wouldn't drink toxic liquids. 

I am not sure if I have the right definition for toxic people. So lets clarify. Toxic people for me are people who bring you down, make you feel small, destroy relationships. Manipulate you and others and play the game with you as the pawn who can easily be sacrificed, to protect the king, well yes, them of course.

Toxic people are what they are. Toxic. I wonder if there are different levels of toxicity? Like with poisons? And could it be that some are toxic because they simply don't know better?

I have decided to not play the game. I will not return a load of poison. I prefer to be naive and believe that people are nice. I'd rather get my feelings hurt again that run around adding poison to their lives.

I will stay nice and play nice. If you want to fight poison you need an antidote. I have decided that the only thing that can work against toxic people is love. I will stay kind. I will stay helpful. I will not change who I am because they treat me poorly. 

A NEAT STACK

How do you like that? I AM A ROCKSTAR! I am not sure how I ended up with 22 empty boxes. I had 4 full ones left. Maybe I just can't count. You count them! I did have one left over from box #2 but, hey who cares!

I can't tell you just how great this feels! I got rid of so much! I did keep my wedding dress. So what. I am still happily married to the guy I took it to the alter with so I have EVERY RIGHT IN THE WORLD to keep it.

I let go of so much stuff. A lot was easy. I really have made progress. My thinking patterns are changing . Slowly but steadily. I gave up a few things that I would have rather kept. But now as I am typing this. I can't even remember what they were.

James say the attic looks so much better already. I still don't dare to venture up their. I am scared it might ruin it all as I know it can'T be that much better upstairs. 

TOXIC PEOPLE

Last night was one of those horrible evenings. When it all falls apart. I cursed them and cried. I swore they would not get away with it. I gnashed my teeth and felt like breaking things. James did a good job listening to me. And I could tell he was upset, too. If they leave me out, one thing. But if I get the impression they are cutting out my kids to get at me that's it. Well. James wrote an email, the response a day later was that it is all one big misunderstanding and of course my kids are welcome to join. Of course it might all just be a misunderstanding. But with my history of being actively excluded, can you blame me for feeling they are out to get me through my kids?

Well. We did stay up way to late last night talking about it. James told me that he has an opinion about all the things that are going on. He said it might be better to just keep his mouth shut, but if I really wanted to, he'd share his 2 c with me. I insisted. And I am so glad I did. He asked me if Amber had invited me to go walking in the past 2 weeks. Well. Indeed she has not. He told me about a conversation he overheard. The new girl and Amber talking about going for walks on a weekly basis. And the new girl saying:"How about we invite Katja, too?" This I think is the third time that someone has told Amber to invite me. She usually agrees, but never does. I wonder if she runs around telling people that I couldn't make it or declined the invitation.

I was surprised to be honest. I said:"why on earth would she do that?" She is always nice to me. James told me that of all the things he heard of her through me she seems to be a person who likes things to go her way. And if I was there I definitely would speak up if I had different ideas. And to not have to put up with it, she cuts me out.

All the puzzle pieces fell into place. One incident after the other that I attributed to her rather direct (borderline rude) personality and that I was willing to forgive and make excuses for made sense. And I remembered just how many times when she had the other girls assembled around her I had the impression of a queen, talking to her subjects. Guess what. I will not bow to the queen. James is right. I would speak up and throw her tea right back into the harbor.

It hit me. She is toxic. A viper that I mistook for a garden snake. 

I FEEL UNLOVED

Once again. It is time to declutter a couple of people out of my life. Not sure how. They are so interwoven with my social and family life that cutting ties won't be easy. I try so hard to not take things personally but it gets harder every time. I am sick of feeling left out. And I'd rather die than beg them to let me play.

With all my emotions tied up in this mess I have a hard time getting my daily chores done, Don't even think about decluttering. I have to deal with this. I have no time to have my energy tied up like this. I really need to learn to let it go!

THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA

The great wall of China might have been a more fitting title for yesterday's post. Or better yet. Katja's wailing wall. Well. Fear not. I conquered. At least mostly. I made it through 16 boxes that night in a little more than 1 hour. Yes. I really did well. I was also very smart. I have learned from past mistake. Instead of sorting into heaps, things went into labeled bags right away. The second a bag was full it was tied up and piled up by the front door, or in the basement. Depending of where it was supposed to got. So when I quite because it was time to go to bed, I didn't have much of a mess left. More boxes to go through, yes, but no mess. I am afraid those last few boxes might take em a while. 

BOX #3

I am crazy. But you knew that. This is what it looks like when I get too excited about a project. As James is off playing basketball Monday nights and I wanted to sort clothes I decided he should bring more than one box. Bring down all the boxes with clothes in them I said. Oh well. I was about to send him back with the box of sheets but then remembered that someone asked for bedding. So it all came down. As long as there was fabric in it, it was allowed to come down. The boys had to help bring them downstairs. I had a sinking feeling that grew worse with every box that came down from the attic. Don't bother counting them, I already counted them for you. 22. Yes. Twenty-two boxes. As you can tell, not all of them are completely full. But hey. Spell crazy. K-A-T-J-A. Good job! Wish me luck. 

2 BOXES DOWN

At least kind of. Am I kidding myself when I tell myself reduction of volume is good enough? There is just so many things I am not ready to deal with. And it is not even emotional stuff. I have reduced 2 boxes to 1/3 of a box. The rest ist put to use, donated or thrown out. I decided I will just put the box back in the rotation once it is full.

So far I have not made a big mess and contained the sorted stuff. That alone is great progress for me. Having James get the boxes for me is nothing sort of brilliant. Why? Because this way I only see the one box. Of course I know how much is up there. But I am a visual thinking type. I think in pictures. I remember things I see a lot better and fast than things I hear. So NOT seeing the attic helps me to stay focused on the one box and keeps me from despair. On Monday I will send him up for box #3.

1 BOX DOWN

I can always tell how important a project I am working on is for James when I ask him to do certain things for me on it. The more important it is for him the faster he will be to get what ever I want from him accomplished. If it is something that isn't of much importance to either of us it might take weeks and a few reminders. I asked him to bring a box from the attic for me. Remember. I have this little fold up ladder you need to pull down and that hatch you have to crawl through. Guess what. I think it took him less then a minute to come back with the box. I have a feeling he really wants me to get this done.

When he put the box in front  of me he said:"It's heavy. Lots of books I think. Could be easy, could be hard." That's exactly what it was. Hard and easy. Throwing books away is hard for me. most of them ended up in a to be read pile. a few were tossed and a few went into the car to be passed on. Lets see how soon that happens. Hahaha! Well. Tomorrow will be a new day and it will bring o new box.

ATTIC! HERE I COME

This is what I will do. I will have James bring down 1 random box for me from the attic. It is way to cold already to work up there and I will deal with it until I am done with it. I will NOT bring down piles of boxes just to be overwhelmed and cry and quit.

If I can handle one box a day that would be 6 boxes a week. Yes. Still slow, but I would be happy with that kind of progress I must admit!

I am not looking forward to the attic. There is so much that will remind me that I "saved" to much for "the right time" and now no one needs it anymore. Oh well. Lets hope I will at least be able to get rid of it!

THE REDUNDANCY OF MOTHERHOOD

The redundancy of motherhood was heavy on my shoulders today. Cooking. Cleaning. Laundry. Taxing. Over and over and over again. With no end in sight and no hope of relief and knowing no matter how much of it I will do, there will always be more waiting for me. 

My dear friend has had another miscarriage. My heart aches for her. Here I am, feeling sorry for myself cause the little one woke up when the doorbell rang when she wants nothing more than another little one to hold and call her own.

Hours later I found out another friend is on the fast track ruling out possible breast cancer. Her doctor told her chances are good it's nothing serious, but the threat is there and it is real.

I sent James off to play basketball with his friends so I could catch up with the redundancies of motherhood. They don't sound too bad after all. 

SLOWING DOWN

Things are finally slowing down a bit. We are all getting used to our new schedules and things are becoming more routine. Tuesday is still a stupid Taxi day but what can you do. Despite working on routines there seems to be always something to mess things up. Last week was very hard for me. I could see myself looking into the abyss of depression again and it was hard to not take that step and let myself fall. It is a good thing I have my husband to hold me back.

We have made a lot of progress in the house but not mater what I always want more.