1 STEP FORWARD 2 STEPS BACK

That is how I feel at the moment. I worked so hard. Then life got in the way. Now I start over.  Of course not all the way. But the abominable pile doubled in size again as I had the need for an emergency clean up and those 4 baskets filled with "miscelleaneous" all ended up in my bedroom. I am back to climbing into my bed over the footboard. I feel incompetent and overwhelmed. I fell like I let everyone in the household down. I know how much time it will take to clear out those 4 baskets. Once more I feel like I can never tackle this mountain. At the moment I lack a vision. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

THE IMAGINEARY LINE

The Imaginary Line is an approach for helpless situations. When the task is too big. Just draw the line ;) Oh, I am so witty. How it works? It's quite simple. You look at the mess you have to clean up and in your mind, draw a line. Everything that's between you and the line gets cleaned up. So be careful where you put that line. The line can be horizontal, or vertikal. It doesn't matter. The line doesn't even have to be straight.

Picture a room so full of stuff that, you can't even move the door. You could draw the line in a semi circle and tackle everything that is in the way of the door. And you don't just pick up things. You go all the way. You even vacuum or sweep the floor. (Which ever you prefer). Why? Because vacuuming is best saved for last. Which means, once you vacuum, you are done. It will give you a feeling of accomplishment. Plus the free space will look even cleaner. You might feel silly at first vacuuming such a small area. But give it a try. It sure adds to your feeling of success.

When you have cleared all between you and the line, you move the line. As far as you want, it is up to you and the situation. If you are done for the day, that's okay.

The rules are simple. Draw the line. Work towards it. There is only one thing you MUST NOT do. Under no circumstance will you move something you do't know where to put, behind the line.

This is were I draw the line! Where do you draw yours? 

ONE BY ONE

This approach is a very slow, tidious way of tackling things. If you don't watch it, it might turn into the "headless chicken" before you know it. I rarely use it, as it is very time consuming, but sometimes it is the only way to go.

It only works for a restricted area. Like a dresser top. Or a drawer. You pick up one piece. You stare it down until you know what to do with it and where to put it. Then you go and put it there.You will not rest until it is were it belongs, even if it is just the trash. Now here is the tricky part. You go back to your little area and take the next item. Until every single one of them is taken care of. If you fail to do that and just pick up a random item anywhere you are already on the headless chicken path.

As I said. It is slow. Tiresome even. You don't see progress fast. But that is why it works. Because you aren't sorting or resorting. It isn't about restacking or finding a "place to put it until you know where it goes". You actually put things were they belong and they won't resurface somewhere else 3 days later.

So when you are battling a small area full of clutter. One by one might be the way to tackle it!

BE KIND

Especially to yourself. I don't know about you, but I am my harshest critic. It is hard to be a better person if, no matter what you do, it's never enough. Calling yourself to stupid/lazy/unorganized to EVER get a grip on life will not help. And even though I know that, I do it again and again. Especially when I am not feeling good about myself and what I achieved. On days like this, it does help me to at the end of the day list my accomplishments And I will list everything. EVERYTHING. And then I remind myself I can do even better tomorrow!

SMALL VICTORIES

Today I tossed a bag full of plastic bags. I was about to dig through them to sort them into "still usuable" and trash. The first one was sticky, the second one smelled kind of musty. When I pulled out the third I asked myself:"What on earth are you doing?" I stuffed the first 2 bags back in and tossed the whole lot. I reminded myself that I have a whole drawer full of perfect plastic bags that I can turn to when in need of one.

2 days ago I had a bag with 20-30 batteries that had accumulated after going through a fair amount of boxes. I looked at them. They all appeared to be used. I knew I had to check them all to see if any of them were charged still. "You know what," I said to myself. "You don't have to do that. You really don't. They are obviously all used and it would be a perfect waste of your time." Off to the correct recycle bin they went.

I AM MAKING PROGRESS!

OCD

I heard that OCD and HOARDING were just the different ends of the spectrum of the same disorder. Shocked? I am not. Needing things "just right" often gets in the way for me with serious clean up. I get lost in detail. I want things perfect. And then I simply never get them done. Then I am frustrated and get even less done. To fulfill my need for perfection while still getting things done, I allow myself little things of perfection. Like:"When you are done cleaning up this room, your reward is washing the windows."
What kind of a reward is washing windows you might think? Well. I love a clean window, but lets face it. When a house is drowning in clutter, washing windows is not a priority. This gives me something to work for and my perfectionist's mind thinks a room isn't properly cleaned up unless the windows are washed.

Sometimes it makes me sad, that I am on the wrong side of the spectrum, but lets face it. I don't really want to be on the other end either. Settling somewhere in the middle sounds ideal. I'm slowly getting there!

FIT, SLIM AND FULL OF ENERGY

Yup, that's me. At least that is what I want to feel like. A friend of mine pointed out that if I call myself a lazy slob I will sooner or later live up to the mental image I have of myself. Label yourself with positiv adjectives was her challenge for me. It took me a few days to come up with my very own mantra. Here it is.

I am FIT, SLIM and full of ENERGY.

Do I always believe that? NO. Do I live up to it? Rarely. But more often then I used to. On days when I feel overwhelmed I say this littel mantra out loud. For example I will say:"I am fit, slim and full of energy and now I will clean the bathroom." When I feel really low I give myself even smaller tasks like "put away 5 things". Once my chore is done I will pick a new chore and repeat my little mantra. I helps me to make it through the dark days. 

COPING STRATEGIES

Being a hoarder, the hardest of course is parting with stuff. Any excue will do to keep it. Having a good strategy will help. I am still working on strategies to actually part with stuff, but I have a few strategies that help me not to drown in clutter. "Why different strategies?" you wonder. Because different problems need different solutions. The stuff is different. I feel different. The situation is different. So different approaches are needed. I will introduce them to you one by one. But here is a little teaser to keep you interested.

• one by one
• 10 magic minutes
• the imaginary line
• 5 a day
• the box approach
• emergency clean up aka the box approach  

You are dying to find out. Aren't you.

A BRIGHTER FUTURE

2 days ago, after 3 days in which I got a lot accomplished I thought I was done rolling. Do you know that feeling, too? You get so much done and all of a sudden as if someybody switched the power off, you feel like you can't do anything again ever. I got a few things done, but a feeling of gloom started to creep up inside of me. "choose to be happy" I said to myself. But I didn't even want to be happy. So I decided to be gloomy for a day. Sunday to me is a day of rest. I take a break from household chores and digging through my stuff. I felt the gloom inside me grow. I would never be able to take care of all the stuff I collected. I would never get my life under control. Then while listening to a talk by Jeffrey R. Holland a thought entered my head, a very happy thought:"It's okay. So you have a disorder. It is okay. It really is. You don't have to deal with all you collected. If you don't want to deal with it you can always just throw it all away and not bother looking at it again." Right. AS IF! But hey. I really could. Nobody said I have to look through it. That is MY decision. I figured I'll just shove the boxes of my last hoarder room up into the attic. Yup, there is still room left up there and then I will stop wasting my time and energy on sorting and resorting. I will just deal with what life brings from here.

And wouldn't you know it. I felt happy and light. I went into that messy playroom and started to pick a few things out of the pile that actually have a place to go. They were bits and pieces of games were I knew where the rest was. I picked out a few more things, tossed a few that up until yesterday told me they were still useful but I realized they had lied to me and before I knew it, the box was empty. Okay. A really tiny box I must admit. But I took care of that whole box without churning one single item! WHAT A SUCCESS! To celebrate it I threw away the empty box! 

HOW IT STARTED

Guess what. It never did. Seriously. There is no set point in my life when hoarding started. At least none that I can remember. No tragic death or seperations. No burnt down house. No broken relationship. Not even a dead puppy.

I like to think that I was trained to be a hoarder. My grandparents lived through WW I and II and the aftermath of those wars. They expirienced the Great Depression. What could be used, would be used. If something was available that you might need later, you got it. If something was offered for free, you didn't hesitate. It was either useful to you, a kin or it could be sold or traded.

My parents grew up in the years after WW II. They expirienced food stamps and all the other things that came with it. Shoes were worn until the fell off your feet. Clothes were mended, or the material used for new clothes or quilts.

I grew up in a house in which before throwing a thing away you asked yourself:"Could this be of use still?" With a vivid imagination (yup, mine is VERY vivid) the answer pretty much always was:"YES."

Wouldn't it be lovely to blame them? It is my parents fault! Even my grandparents are to blame! I was trained to be a hoarder! Ther is nothing I can do about it.
It would be lovely indeed. I would be free of guilt and free of responsibilty. It would also be a lie.

I AM THE ONE

• who collected all the things.
• who decided they are worth keeping.
• who, when going through the stuff refuses to part with them.
• who stacks up boxes all the way to the ceiling because there is no more room for the stuff to go elsewhere.

It wasn't my parents. Or even my grandparents. It was me. No way around it. 

All my life, even as I kid, I saw things as either potenially useful still or they had a certain sentimental value. I was always aware that I have a hard time parting with things, but I never saw that as a problem. The challenge was to keep it sorted and available. For the moment it would be useful. I stored things in bags and boxes. I stored things in dressers, on top of wardrobes and under my bed. I used every little corner available. I did go through my stuff many times and parted with things, but most of it I kept and took with me the times I moved. (Sometimes still sealed in the box from the previous move). Not having a "start" makes it impossible to work with what triggered it. To work through the emotions of that event and to let go of hoarding. As it is I have to take a different route.

I ask myself. Why am I doing this? What is the emotional benefit of keeping all this? How would it feel to not have it? It is time for change. Time to free myself!

CHAOSQUEEN

Yup. That's me. Fortunately I am not soley described by chaos. I would describe myself as smart (at least most of the time). I am fun to be with. I do have my occasional creative moment. I am trusting, (borderline naiv). I can be hard working (once I get started). I am compassionate. I love people and I love attention.  I love languages. I am rather sentimental. I prefer being in control. I like things neat and organized. Structure helps me stay sane. I love the beach and the Ocean. I love mountains. I enjoy reading. I am a chatterbox.

And I am a HOARDER.

What a dreadful word. It is full of despair. It reeks of greed. A cave and a vile dirty creature protecting it forms in my image. I don't see myself as a hoarder, even if that is the official label. Forgive me for not being able to give you the name of the woman who said it. She was featured on the US show "Hoarders". She said. "I don't see myself as a hoarder. I see myself as a saver. I save things." My sentiments exactly. I save perfectly functional, usuable things from going to the dump. But just like saving 27 starving kittens off the street will be more than you can handle, saving everything that "could still be of use" will eventually be more than you can handle.

I've reached that point. I am drowning. The things that are piling up are suffocating me. I need to break free. I want to live my life and not be the queen of my little chaotic realm. As I have said before. I am a chatterbox. Talking helps me work through things. So does  writing. I have started this blog as a therapeutic tool to work through my emotions.

I don't know how you found my blog.

• If you are reading this and you are a hoarder yourself. May my journey help you.
• If you are reading this and are a friend or a relative of a hoarder, may my blog help you to gain a better understanding and help you be gentle with the hoarder in your life.
• If you are reading this blog, simply because you stumbled over it, may I be able to entertain you and make you laugh.

No matter who you are. I hope I can tell my story in a way that touches you. So you can see:

HOARDERS ARE PEOPLE, TOO