THINGS THAT WORK

I was wondering what I have to do to get back on track. I had times in my life when I felt I had a grip on things. I was wondering what I can do to feel like this again. Finally it hit me. May, just maybe I should just go back to doing what I did back then?!

So here is what works for me

maintenance and declutter: 10 magic min totaling 2 hours per day
emotional well being: brisk early morning walks 20-30 min
physical well being: low carb diet

I am excited to start those things again. I know they work for me and I know they help me feel better. I have a few things that I would like to implement in my life that I hope will help for me, but for the moment I will stick with those 3.

NEW DAY - NEW ME

So the stomach bug seems mostly over. I still am not back to 100% but at least I am not breaking into a sweat after climbing  up a flight of stairs. A part of me would prefer to just sit on the couch and watch TV for the next 5 years, but another part of me knows unless I keep going I will be trapped in this mess forever.

I told James that it feels like every time I hit a spot where I feel I am making progress something happens. Like half the family being down with a bug, 6 extra appointments in a week or being a single mom due to James being away on work assignments. It happens rarely enough, but it happens.

New day. New me. I am fit and full of energy. I can do this. 

NOTHING AND NO ONE

Nothing and no one can phase me. Nothing and no one can get to me. My new mantra. I am afraid my oldest son might just be "no one". My 2 weeks of appointments are catching up on me. Of course it has to be tonight that James is off volunteering and if I had known how fast tonight would go down hill I would have begged him to stay home.

I LOVE HER ENERGY

A few weeks ago, I was at a convention for women organized by my church. I met old friends and also some new people. I was introduced to someone by a woman that I have known for some years. As Anne introduced me, she put her arm around me and said enthusiastically:"I love this girl's energy." My mental, sarcastic, reply was:"Right. Energy. Me. NOT!"

What she said stayed with me and I realized that she had a point. Some time ago, in a life I hardly seem to remember I used to have energy. Lots of it. Enough to go around. I wondered what happened to it. Once I realized I cried as it was such a relief.

For the last 2 decades I had slowly started to use my energy to keep my energy tamed and regulated. Why? Because way too many people out there can't handle the full energetic me. I am just a little too much for them. But guess what. That is their problem I decided. I have tried to protect my surroundings by keeping my energy bottled up. That made me aggressive and kept me from developing talents and character traits. In the long run I hurt the people around myself more with this behavior than by not restraining my energy.

I have no intention of walking all over others. I will just not be stopped by them anymore.

After so many years of not letting my energy flow it feels a little scary to let it all out. Nevertheless.

I am ready.

MY NEW LIFE

I was in the middle of cleaning my bathroom when I dropped everything to write this post. I have a new life. It has lasted for 3 days and a part of me wonders how long it will last. Deep down inside I know it will last for as long as I let it. My new life started 3 days ago. It feels like it changed from one moment to the next, but if I look closer I know this is a process that has been going on for a long time. At least for 9 months. 3 days ago I went through an emotional earthquake. Instead of things going to pieces like they usually do, the single pieces fell together to become one.

For the first time in what seems forever I am at peace with my self. At peace with who I am and at peace with where I am at. 

TODAY WAS BETTER

It does help to not have anything to take care of outside of the house except school drop off and pick up to get a few things done, I did 90 min of chores today. I was shooting for the full 2 hours, but surrendered after dinner. I considered ironing, but no. I did enough. It's all good. At least it was today.

TODAY IS WORSE

I know it comes and goes in waves. I am crying, my hands are shaking, I am not even sure why. I know the wave will ebb back out again, but that is little consolation when it crashes over your head, pulls you under and threatens to suffocate you.

CRYING

Once again, I am crying. I am not even sure why. Just everything adding up I guess. Stupid cold, a puking child, Christmas around the corner. I need to stop. I need to stop and think. Decide what's important in my life. It can't be that it is a constant struggle. I don't want to live like this. I want to learn to drop the stuff that is unimportant and focus on the real stuff. 

NON STOP

I feel like I have been running around like crazy for the last 4 weeks. Always something. Additional appointments by the dozen. So far I have succeeded. Therapy seems to be doing wonders. Sometimes I go for hours at full speed and I can handle it and I might be tired but I don't feel despair. I have days where I feel like my normal self again. I see that I am able to handle it all.

I really enjoy therapy. Don't get me wrong it is not a fun hour of being spoiled and told how awesome I am. It is hard work. I usually park the car 10 min away and walk for 10 min before and after as that helps me unwind. This week I was late so I had to park right there to make it on time. When I got back into the car I was exhausted. My hands started shaking and I had to take a minute to compose myself. Often I cry on the way home. Just to relief all the tension. It is hard work. Fortunately it pays a nie dividend.

MO-THU IN 16 HOURS

For some reason last Wednesday felt like a Monday. I even told Luke he can take a toy to school. It was hard to explain to him, that Mom messed up and that it was Wednesday not Monday which is the official bring a toy to school day.

Now the funny thing is, by 8 pm I thought it was Thursday night. That day was so full it felt like I used up the energy of one whole week. 

STUBBORN

My husband seems to be okay. Might just be battling a bad migraine. He came back from the hospital at 5:30 am and has slept a lot since.
This little adventure has seriously effected my sleep and I feel hung over. I feel small and useless and incapable again. Today I will use a personally trait that is usually not considered good. I can be extremely stubborn. Today I will carry on regardless. I will carry on and prove to myself that I am all the things I felt I can be on Saturday. 

CHAOS

I seem to live in a constant state of mental and physical chaos. As I watched my little world fall apart around me over the last 2 weeks I was distressed about the fact that I can only deal with one aspect of my life at any given time. At the moment I am swamped with work and everything else just kind of didn't happen. My new nutrition style went down the drain after keeping it up for 3 months and I was rather frustrated.

It took a while for me to realize that at least I am keeping on top of 1 aspect of my life currently. That is definitely more than I was able to do in March of this year.

It also seems to not matter which aspect I focus on, everything als just kind of doesn't happen anymore once I focus on one area.

Will I just need more time and be able to balance more and more?

Do I have to do less, to have more energy for the important things?

Do I need more fun activities in my life to deal with the boring ones?

I really don't know. At the moment I will just be happy that I can balance one aspect of my life. It looks like the flood of worked has ebbed out. I will finish the last details and then just pick an aspect of my life that I want under control (household chores, laundry comes to mind) and start working on that. I can do this. One day at a time.

MY THERAPIST

Yup. I have my very own therapist. I guess I do share him with quite a number of other people. But I have a therapist. It only took me a year to finally get one. Once I found him things happened quickly. I contacted at least 20 offices with little to no success. His was one of the first I called. Of course none of them ever answers a phone so you leave a message. He did called me back  3 days later, we talked and he said that he had a cancellation on Friday and if I wanted to I could come for a "get to know each other" session. He told me that his waiting list is worth about 3 months but if I have time in the mornings I might wait less.

Long story short, I went, felt good there, and before I knew it I was attending weekly sessions even without having to wait. I have been going to therapy now for about 8 weeks and let me tell you. I feel great. 

My therapist helps me to see the root of problem and helps me find the part of me I need to solve it or to make it less of a problem.

Today he told me that he was very impressed and very happy with how much creativity I use the tools he gave me. He even asked if I will start a career as a therapist myself! He said I have many great ideas and he is very happy with how well I am doing. We have decided to have bigger intervals between sessions.

The other day my husband asked me why I was smiling. Side effects from therapy I'm afraid! 

CONFUSED

I am not sure how to describe how I feel at the moment. On the one hand I am exhausted. On the other hand I know I have the strength it takes to pull this off. And with "this" I mean everything. EVERYTHING! School, therapies, weight loss, the attic, renovating 3 rooms, adding 2 more and a bathroom. Not to forget piano and other music classes, ballett and I don't know what else. Oh. Work. Yes. I can deal with work, too.

I feel like nothing I do matter, but I see that as long as I stick with my "senseless" endeavors things change. Slowly ever so slowly, but they do. Sometimes only for a moment but I hope that eventually they will change for the better for ever. 

I am happy and sad, determined and hopeless. I am drained and full of energy. 

I think I need more sleep...

1 MILLION PROJECTS

Summer is here and with it 500.000 projects. The attic plans are moving along bringing another 500.000 projects with them. 

It is hard for me to stay focused.
It is hard for me to finish projects.
It is hard for me to start projects.
It is hard for me to know what is important.

I feel like I am behind on everything. I feel like I am simply not the right person for this. Unfortunately I am the person in charge.

I wish I could say I am giving my best. It feels like I am only giving the bare minimum. The rest ist spent sitting and staring. 

I will go plant the tomatoes now. It might just be one tiny project, but it is one project less on my endless project list. 

THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME

I found out what is wrong with me thanks to my fantastic friend Suzu. I know her from the hoarder board and we have so much in common. Our circumstances are as different as could be but our reasons why we keep seem so much alike. And even when our reasoning behind doing something is completely different we get very similar results. It is so refreshing to have some one who not only gets it, but who gets my personal corner of this huge room that is hoarding.

Unfortunately Suzu is to far away to hang out and do things together, so we skype. We try to skype once a week and to this skype sessions we bring things we want to discard. We tell each other why it is hard to throw them out or our reasons for keeping them. We ask each other questions and watch each other discard things. Last session I thought I had nothing to toss. Those sessions have a funny effect on my. When I see something that would be good for the session cause I just can't do this on my own but I think I really should let it go, the second I decide I will bring it to the session, all of a sudden I can let it go.
So last session I said I have nothing. It was the night of the report incident. I told Suzu what had happened. She asked me a few questions. One was like"What do the stand for?" We kept talking. And all of a sudden it hit me. It wasn't about the reports per se. It was about what I used to be. A bright young woman getting an education and excelling at it. A girl who jokingly predicted her future job. A job that shaped me in many ways and which gave me the opportunity to met a set of very unique people , who all were there very own version of wonderful.
We talked about that and once I realized what they represent I know why it was so hard to let go.I also knew that those people still are my friends and that the memories are there and that's when I was able to let go. Yes. Lots of tears, but not over the reports but over all those emotions hidden inside.
I dropped the reports into the recycling bin right there for Suzu to see. And wouldn't you know it. At the end of our conversation she asked me about them again and I had forgotten I tossed them if it hadn't been for her reminder.

Tossing them in the morning cause I felt I needed to do that had brought confusion, feeling stupid and broken and a flood of tears And of course a fresh wave of feeling depressed.
Just 8 hours later letting them go was fine and I felt like I knew myself a little better!

Thanks Suzu!

10.000

10.000 views of this page. I wonder how many of them actually wanted to be here and didn't just end up here by clicking "next blog". Does it matter? No. It doesn't. Blogging helps me clear my head. It helps me sort my worries.

SO. 10.000 hits and I am still a hoarder. Things have improved quite a bit, and yet I still have quite a way to go. Root for me.

I HUGGED 6 PEOPLE

A few weeks ago I hugged 6 people in a period of 24 hours. Yes. That is noteworthy. I am not a hugger. Not at all. I despise people pretending to show affection by giving me fake hugs. Fake hugs seem to be all you get theses days. I have enough issues with people wanting to hug me for real, but fake is THE WORST!

So I  more then surprised myself this weekend when I not only allowed 3 people to hug me but initiated a hug with the other 3. I wasn't sure what to make of it. I decide to take it as sign of feeling better. Of being able to reach out again and to allow people back into my private space.

HEADACHE

Life is giving me a headache at the moment. So  much to do. So little desire to do it. No confidence in being able to do it. Life is a string of redundancies and the only things that pop up in between are just additional things that require my time and attention.

Once  again I am stuck. I really need to find that therapist....

FIRE FIGHTER

I am done being a fire fighter. It seems it is all I ever do. I had a bad week last week. I just let things go. Not terribly, in theory I am only 4 hours and 50 min behind, but we know that is not legal so I am just fine. 

I am just done with the fires. It seems I only ever get to do things that somehow made it to the top of the list be being labeled:"Most urgent"

It is simply too exhausting.

I still don't know how to change it. I think the problem is how I do things. I just take too much time and never get anywhere. I am trying so hard, working so hard and still, I don't really see results. 

I want results NOW! I don't want to work for a year to see things happening. I guess I will have to.