I found out what is wrong with me thanks to my fantastic friend Suzu. I know her from the hoarder board and we have so much in common. Our circumstances are as different as could be but our reasons why we keep seem so much alike. And even when our reasoning behind doing something is completely different we get very similar results. It is so refreshing to have some one who not only gets it, but who gets my personal corner of this huge room that is hoarding.
Unfortunately Suzu is to far away to hang out and do things together, so we skype. We try to skype once a week and to this skype sessions we bring things we want to discard. We tell each other why it is hard to throw them out or our reasons for keeping them. We ask each other questions and watch each other discard things. Last session I thought I had nothing to toss. Those sessions have a funny effect on my. When I see something that would be good for the session cause I just can't do this on my own but I think I really should let it go, the second I decide I will bring it to the session, all of a sudden I can let it go.
So last session I said I have nothing. It was the night of the report incident. I told Suzu what had happened. She asked me a few questions. One was like"What do the stand for?" We kept talking. And all of a sudden it hit me. It wasn't about the reports per se. It was about what I used to be. A bright young woman getting an education and excelling at it. A girl who jokingly predicted her future job. A job that shaped me in many ways and which gave me the opportunity to met a set of very unique people , who all were there very own version of wonderful.
We talked about that and once I realized what they represent I know why it was so hard to let go.I also knew that those people still are my friends and that the memories are there and that's when I was able to let go. Yes. Lots of tears, but not over the reports but over all those emotions hidden inside.
I dropped the reports into the recycling bin right there for Suzu to see. And wouldn't you know it. At the end of our conversation she asked me about them again and I had forgotten I tossed them if it hadn't been for her reminder.
Tossing them in the morning cause I felt I needed to do that had brought confusion, feeling stupid and broken and a flood of tears And of course a fresh wave of feeling depressed.
Just 8 hours later letting them go was fine and I felt like I knew myself a little better!
Thanks Suzu!
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