*&%*§

I am in the mood to rip somebodies head of. Or to punch someone really really hard. And numerous times. Is it really so hard to pass on information? Do people really care so little about me that no matter how often I  request something and I am told it is great input and they will definitely do things differently but of course do it the way it is hardest for me the next time again anyway?

I am sick and tired of being the idiot running after people who can't get their job done. I am sick and tired of waiting around because people can't pass on information. I am SICK AND TIRED of people pretending to have my best interest in mind who clearly don't care.

I don't care if they volunteer their time. I don't care if there is no malicious intent. I also don't want to hear the onehundredandfifth apology. Can't they just simply GET IT RIGHT!?!

FEELING LOW

Nothing like starting the week realizing that contrary to your own believe, you never finished the deep cleaning in the bathroom downstairs. The house is a total wreck. Our contractor left us hanging. Kids surprised me with a bunch of shockingly bad grades and I feel like the worst mom.

Of course feeling like this won't get me anywhere. Time to be stubborn and simply move on. 10 min at a rime. I know I am stubborn enough to pull this off!

3 days later I am happy to report, that at least the downstairs is all clean and that we made some serious progress upstairs.

ONE FOCUS

Since I started therapy I am learning to accept what I can and what I can not handle at a certain time. I have noticed that I can focus on one aspect of my life at any given time, on really good days I can balance 2. If I try to juggle 3 none of them gets taken care of properly and I fail in all of them.

It is sometimes hard to accept it, as years and years ago I considered myself an awesome multi tasker. IT is also liberating in some ways. These days I give myself permission to focus on one aspect of life and to let the others slide. Like not expecting myself to do any household chores on Tuesday which has a minimum of 5 hours of back to back appointments. I still do household chores when I get around to it, they are just considered bonus. I actually get more work done this way as the pressure is off.

A lot of my weeks are so full that my main focus has to be appointments, just to have everything ready and to be to where ever I have to be on time, with the right people in tow.

Next week promises to be relatively slow, so my focus will be on getting the house back in shape. It is desperately needed. Wish me luck!

STOMACH BUG

Well, I was wrong about the stomach bug. With Luke throwing up first, every single kid followed over a period of 3 days. I must say I spent the 3 days laughing. It was like a slow motion chain reaction. Of course it turned things up side down around here.

I am back to square one. The house is a major mess, but I did come up with a new decluttering technique. If they puke on it, toss it! I got rid of a shirt I never liked much, last years calendar and 2 children's books this way. I did keep the laptop and the tablet.

Nobody puked in the last 28 hours and I sure hope it stays that way. I promise to keep decluttering, even without vomit!

HOT SAUCE

A few weeks back I read this blogpost about how we can't be everyone's darling. And that it is okay if we are not liked by every one. The author had a great way of illustrating this by using the example of chick-fil-a sauce. And that we each might prefer a different sauce with our nuggets, even if in the author's mind chick-fil-a is the best. I thought that is easily said if you are chick-fil-a and the majority likes you. But what if you are hot sauce? And people simply can't handle you? When people tell you hot sauce is awesome but only use it twice a year? I shed a few tears feeling sorry for myself, knowing that she was right and we have to be our own unique flavor, still hoping I could one day learn the secret ingredient for being everybody's favorite flavor.

Fast forward to now. I am HOT SAUCE! Extra hot. A few drops of me can flavor a whole dish. You will always remember the first time you came in contact with me. I am so hot I make you cry. I am so hot I make you laugh cause you think it is hilarious how strongly you react to me.

Hot sauce might not be for every one and every day. None the less. Hot sauce is awesome and has her own place! I am hot sauce. And for the first time I am just fine with that!

NEW DAY - NEW ME

So the stomach bug seems mostly over. I still am not back to 100% but at least I am not breaking into a sweat after climbing  up a flight of stairs. A part of me would prefer to just sit on the couch and watch TV for the next 5 years, but another part of me knows unless I keep going I will be trapped in this mess forever.

I told James that it feels like every time I hit a spot where I feel I am making progress something happens. Like half the family being down with a bug, 6 extra appointments in a week or being a single mom due to James being away on work assignments. It happens rarely enough, but it happens.

New day. New me. I am fit and full of energy. I can do this.