WHERE TO START

That seems to be the #1 question. Where do I start? Unfortunately this question isn't as easy to answer as  you might think. I have come to the following conclusion and forgive me for going all Feng Shui on you.

Clear the area that blocks you most first. What is that area? I don't know. Think about it. IT might be your bedroom, because that is where you regenerate. It might be your bathroom, as you find your focus when getting ready for the day. It might be your kitchen, because this is where you hang out when friends stop by. It might be your laundry room, because HUH? The laundry room?!?

Here is why. I always know, that I hit rock bottom when I can't keep up with laundry. Laundry is my famous last man standing. When laundry falls all else was lost a while ago. I've known this for years, but only recently have I discovered that filling my laundry room with all these things that don't have anywhere else to go makes me no want to go down there, which keeps me from doing laundry which makes me feel I can't ever get anything done which...you get it. 

So with a whole house to clean, meals to cook and I don't know what else, a few days ago I took 30 min to get started on that room. I only cleared a fraction, but enough to make me feel better. By now half of it is cleared, I can access the washer and dryer without a problem, I don't have to step over things or walk around things with a basket full of laundry to get in or out of the room and let me tell you, IT FEEL SO MUCH BETTER ALREADY! 

So what ever it is that blocks you. Find it. And no matter how insignificant it might seem. Solve it. If that doesn't change things, you might still have to keep looking for your personal starting point. 

Once you get your energy to start flowing things will get easier! 

FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF

The other day I felt sorry for myself. The train was late, the bus was gone. I started the 30 min walk home cause walking would still get me home faster than waiting for the next bus. It was cold, it was windy and then it started raining. I was furious. My gut had told me to take the bus, my brain overruled my gut and said we'll take the train as that is 15 min faster. Riskier due to the possibility of missed connections, but usually the best option. Cold and wet I cursed my brain. 10 min later the sun offered me this:

SO WORTH IT! 

2021

 How fitting that I didn't post a single time in 2020.

What am I to say. BEST YEAR in a long time. 

Believe it or not 2021 is just as great for me! 

So no wonder I never post! 

I might make time for blogging again, as it clears my mind! 

UPDATE

I just read my last post. First it made me cry. Now I want to laugh. I am not sure what I was worried about back then, but let me tell you. It only got worse. Alex is back at the hospital, he had to undergo minor surgery. Just going back and forth to see him takes forever. He is stressed about the whole thing, and is not in a good mood. So hanging out with a grumpy teen is my reward for going all over town when I have a million things to do. The fact that he has been on various antibiotics and nothing has really helped so far is not making things better for me. 3 weeks ago I spent 13 out of 24 hours at various doctors offices and clinics with 3 different children.  A broken toe (Hope), parotitis ( Matt, most likely due to blockage) the poor child looked like a lopsided hamster and a vicious looking infection (Alex) in the middle of a pretty face was more than I bargained for. And people expect you to keep life going for the rest of the family.

James is frustrated with work. The dynamics there are toxic. At the moment we feel bombarded from all sides. Health, work, social life (don't get me started), and the construction site upstairs eat up all our energy.

The other day I had to literally force myself to throw away an empty roll of toilet paper. It'S day by day. Task by task. I tell myself how awesome I am for keeping all the other appointments with the kids and making sure they have their homework done and their projects going. They eat cereal up to 3 times a day and I tell myself at least they are not hungry.

Last night I spent 2 hours micro organizing just because I knew it would calm me down. Next week's agenda makes me want to cry.

But guess what. I am still hot sauce and I am awesome and I can totally take care of it all!

3 am

There is only so much you can or WANT to do at 3 am with a house of peaceful sleepers, I am tired. Very tired. Yet sleep eludes me. And when it comes it refuses to stay.

I am stressed. I know that. I even know what stresses me so much. IT is many little things, a few big things. Personal and medical matters. IT all amounts to one thing. Me sleeping poorly. I have no control over these things and I wish I could let go of them long enough to sleep for a few hours, but they even follow me into my dreams.

It is hard to focus when you are sleep deprived. I turn to food when sleep deprived. I have gained almost 10 lbs in just 5 weeks. I cry frequently. Mostly from exhaustion. I suck it up and keep going. I have said no to more than one thing lately, but I am afraid not to enough things.

I take things one task at a time. What else can I do.