May you never be separated from you Mommy again. Save travels Jonah! May you make it to Niniveh safely. Good by little Mouse! May your world stay fun and full of colors.
The little one has managed to destroy 3 flip the flap books in less then a day. And when I say destroyed I mean destroyed. Each flap is torn off and with it usually half of the page. I was especially sad about the first one. The one in which the tiger cub is looking for his Mommy. He did some prep-work the days before and I found flaps in the recycling trash that his "I-will-toss-anything-that-crosses-my-path"-brother already put there that I saved. When I found more flaps I said to JAmes:"I guess I should just toss the book." He agreed but I didn't do anything. I saw the book in the trash the next morning. I was crying out to me all week until I took it to the outside bin the night before pick up. I was this close to taking it out to at least take a farewell picture.
Tiger Cub, Jonah and the little Color Mouse are gone. Sigh. I wish this wouldn't bother me so much. At least I let them go. That's a lot more than I would have been able to do just a year ago!
Life is giving me a headache at the moment. So much to do. So little desire to do it. No confidence in being able to do it. Life is a string of redundancies and the only things that pop up in between are just additional things that require my time and attention.
Once again I am stuck. I really need to find that therapist....
2 days ago I bought 4 shower towels. 2 solid magenta, 2 magenta with stripes in a pinkish color. I washed them, dried them and one was frayed when I got it out of the dryer. so today I went back to return it. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! They only had solid ones left. As it was a special the only way to get another striped one would have been trying a different store. So there was my dilemma. Stick with 2 solids and 1 striped and deal with the fact that I only have 3 towels instead of 4 or go for 3 solids and 1 striped so at least the number of towels in the cupboard is correct.
ISSUES! Can you smell them? Seriously. what does it matter if the number of the towels is four or if there are as many solid as stripped ones. It doesn't matter AT ALL. I decided to settle for correct number. Having only 3 was NOT an option!
I am done being a fire fighter. It seems it is all I ever do. I had a bad week last week. I just let things go. Not terribly, in theory I am only 4 hours and 50 min behind, but we know that is not legal so I am just fine.
I am just done with the fires. It seems I only ever get to do things that somehow made it to the top of the list be being labeled:"Most urgent"
It is simply too exhausting.
I still don't know how to change it. I think the problem is how I do things. I just take too much time and never get anywhere. I am trying so hard, working so hard and still, I don't really see results.
I want results NOW! I don't want to work for a year to see things happening. I guess I will have to.
Today is one of the days when my brain wants me to beleive that eating chocolate will fix my problems. I tried. It didn't work. My brain insists it will if only I ate more. I am having a total #loser day. I feel like I am a total failure. I can't do anything right and nothing that I do will ever pay off. Except for eating chocolate. That will make me fell better. I won't fall for it this time. I will just fold some laundry and cry a little more.
OF course this Monday found me eager to do my 2 hours and to catch up from last week and of course go the extra mile and work 4 hours extra. What is wrong with me? Why can't I let it go? I never even made it through the first 2 hours. Why am I once again setting myself up for failure?
In the car, coming from a family event, I told my husband that this is the first week of failure. I had 5 hours left of the day, family staying over and about 4 hours of work to do to get my 2/day in.
Why did I fail? It felt like this really should have been the easiest weeks of all. I guess it could have been. If only I had worked. But I didn't.
I felt sad and down. But you know what? I worked this week. I worked hard. I threw a costume party for my daughter and her friends, I had a girl over with her kids who is new in town and looking for friends, I got my son to therapy and school, I cooked, I baked a million cakes, organized and held our family event, and on top of it all I translated 11 pages of medical records and sure enough, plenty ofthings in there that where no and I had to do research.
I also had some serious timer issues. Half of the time I thought I turned it on it didn't work. I also had issues keeping track. As I am hard on myself, I of course only counted the times I was 100% sure I worked.
So, Tonight when we came home I started working wanting to some how perform a miracle and make it happen. 40 min later I decided it was not worth it.
On top of all the things I did last week I had the kids clean up like crazy. The sorted, they tossed, the put away, they vacuumed and mopped, the scrubbed and cleaned. I got more than 4 hours of work out of them. I had them clean while I was baking, I had them bake for me while I was cleaning.
So what if I can't account for 12 working hours today. So what if I am somewhere between 1 and 3,5 hours short of my goal. I worked and I worked hard. My stress levels were through the roof and I still pulled it off. One of the many lessons I need to learn is to know when to let go. Today was one of these moments. It was time to let go and sit down and chat with family.
