STUBBORN

My husband seems to be okay. Might just be battling a bad migraine. He came back from the hospital at 5:30 am and has slept a lot since.
This little adventure has seriously effected my sleep and I feel hung over. I feel small and useless and incapable again. Today I will use a personally trait that is usually not considered good. I can be extremely stubborn. Today I will carry on regardless. I will carry on and prove to myself that I am all the things I felt I can be on Saturday. 

BURDENS

I will not allow you to be my burden. Not anymore. For so many years I have carried the load, that others put on me, around with me. I am done.

I will not worry if they like me or not. I will be kind. For the sake of being kind. Because I feel better when I am kind. 
I will not worry if they think my house is clean enough. I take care of my family. The best way I can.
I will not even worry about all the things that usually worry me right now.

As I was writing this I got a phone call. James got injured playing basketball. No one is sure what really happend, I was told he must have smacked his and kept playing. 2 min before the game was up he collapsed and started puking. I feel for him and would like to be with him, hold his hand and tell him things will be okay. Yet I am not worried. A little part of me also wants to smack him for being stupid. That is so him. Ignoring his pain and playing as if his life depended on it. 

I am filled with peace and I know things will be alright. He is in good hands. His friends called an ambulance and stayed with him. They offered to come pick me up as I am without a car, one offered to bring his wife to babysit. It is past 10 pm. There is nothing I can do for him. He is in good hands. The only thing I can do for him is stay with his kids and keep them save.

If this had happened yesterday I would have been a sobbing mess with visions of his funeral and myself as a widow with 6 children. 

Today I am filled with peace. God loves me. Good loves James. Everything will be alright. 

CHAOS

I seem to live in a constant state of mental and physical chaos. As I watched my little world fall apart around me over the last 2 weeks I was distressed about the fact that I can only deal with one aspect of my life at any given time. At the moment I am swamped with work and everything else just kind of didn't happen. My new nutrition style went down the drain after keeping it up for 3 months and I was rather frustrated.

It took a while for me to realize that at least I am keeping on top of 1 aspect of my life currently. That is definitely more than I was able to do in March of this year.

It also seems to not matter which aspect I focus on, everything als just kind of doesn't happen anymore once I focus on one area.

Will I just need more time and be able to balance more and more?

Do I have to do less, to have more energy for the important things?

Do I need more fun activities in my life to deal with the boring ones?

I really don't know. At the moment I will just be happy that I can balance one aspect of my life. It looks like the flood of worked has ebbed out. I will finish the last details and then just pick an aspect of my life that I want under control (household chores, laundry comes to mind) and start working on that. I can do this. One day at a time.

I CHEATED

Last weekend when cleaning up, I cheated. I let some stuff that I wasn't willing to decide on disappear in a drawer. It was shortly before midnight and we expected a cherished friend the next day. Long story short, our friend was tangled up in logistics issues and never made it. 

The stashed objects are still in that drawer, hoping to be forgotten. 

PROCRASTINATION

The topic of procrastination came up the other day on the hoarder board. If I wasn't the Queen of Chaos, I would call myself the Queen of Procrastination. Procrastination is a serious issue in my life. I watched a video by Tim Pychyl and learned a whole lot. Why we procrastinate, why we shouldn't and how to keep ourselves from procrastinating. As I was pondering the things I learned, I wondered about my current level of procrastination and realized that asides from breathing I more or less procrastinated EVERYTHING else. Even eating. I would make sure to be so hungry, that I would not have to cook and just shove something in just to procrastinate cooking healthy.

So needless to say, things have to change. What helped me most to be motivated once again to stop procrastinating was Tim Pychyl saying that we hurt "future self" by putting things off. I have hurt myself enough. I am done.

I think there will be quite a few more posts on this topic. Brace yourself!