THE ATTIC BATTLE

My knight in shining armor has hacked away at the armies of my arch nemesis the attic. He has re-stacked, sorted, thrown out and organized. He has managed to organize the attic so that only about a third of the floor space is still covered. It feels so much more manageable. Today we got 2 more big furniture items out and off to a new home and I tossed a few things in passing. MY main question for myself was:"Why do I still have this?" It felt great to just let got!

1 MILLION PROJECTS

Summer is here and with it 500.000 projects. The attic plans are moving along bringing another 500.000 projects with them. 

It is hard for me to stay focused.
It is hard for me to finish projects.
It is hard for me to start projects.
It is hard for me to know what is important.

I feel like I am behind on everything. I feel like I am simply not the right person for this. Unfortunately I am the person in charge.

I wish I could say I am giving my best. It feels like I am only giving the bare minimum. The rest ist spent sitting and staring. 

I will go plant the tomatoes now. It might just be one tiny project, but it is one project less on my endless project list. 

BUT I HAVE MORE

My sister once told me that in a sentence that is split by a "BUT", according to research the part before the but is usually a lie. Like:"I am sorry we are late, but we missed the bus."Actually I am not sorry at all it was not important enough for me to leave on time. At first I didn't believe her. I felt the "BUT" had every right to be there. I started watching myself and realized that most of the time the part in front of the "BUT" usually was either just a polite phrase, or something to cushion the blow that was to follow:"I love her dearly BUT she can be a royal pain in the rear!"

I also used to say:"I want to donate these clothe, BUT I have more." I claimed that I couldn't donate anything unless I got it all there in one place to be donated. Tomorrow is another curb pick up for clothes and shoes. I know I have one more pair of shoes I want to donate. Unfortunately I am not sure where the second one is and I am too tired to search for it. Yes, I am sure I have more clothes to donate. This is all I have selected so far and the tiny bag with about 10 items will have to do for today.

I am glad there is no more "BUT". It never got me anywhere.

THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME

I found out what is wrong with me thanks to my fantastic friend Suzu. I know her from the hoarder board and we have so much in common. Our circumstances are as different as could be but our reasons why we keep seem so much alike. And even when our reasoning behind doing something is completely different we get very similar results. It is so refreshing to have some one who not only gets it, but who gets my personal corner of this huge room that is hoarding.

Unfortunately Suzu is to far away to hang out and do things together, so we skype. We try to skype once a week and to this skype sessions we bring things we want to discard. We tell each other why it is hard to throw them out or our reasons for keeping them. We ask each other questions and watch each other discard things. Last session I thought I had nothing to toss. Those sessions have a funny effect on my. When I see something that would be good for the session cause I just can't do this on my own but I think I really should let it go, the second I decide I will bring it to the session, all of a sudden I can let it go.
So last session I said I have nothing. It was the night of the report incident. I told Suzu what had happened. She asked me a few questions. One was like"What do the stand for?" We kept talking. And all of a sudden it hit me. It wasn't about the reports per se. It was about what I used to be. A bright young woman getting an education and excelling at it. A girl who jokingly predicted her future job. A job that shaped me in many ways and which gave me the opportunity to met a set of very unique people , who all were there very own version of wonderful.
We talked about that and once I realized what they represent I know why it was so hard to let go.I also knew that those people still are my friends and that the memories are there and that's when I was able to let go. Yes. Lots of tears, but not over the reports but over all those emotions hidden inside.
I dropped the reports into the recycling bin right there for Suzu to see. And wouldn't you know it. At the end of our conversation she asked me about them again and I had forgotten I tossed them if it hadn't been for her reminder.

Tossing them in the morning cause I felt I needed to do that had brought confusion, feeling stupid and broken and a flood of tears And of course a fresh wave of feeling depressed.
Just 8 hours later letting them go was fine and I felt like I knew myself a little better!

Thanks Suzu!

10.000

10.000 views of this page. I wonder how many of them actually wanted to be here and didn't just end up here by clicking "next blog". Does it matter? No. It doesn't. Blogging helps me clear my head. It helps me sort my worries.

SO. 10.000 hits and I am still a hoarder. Things have improved quite a bit, and yet I still have quite a way to go. Root for me.