NON STOP

I feel like I have been running around like crazy for the last 4 weeks. Always something. Additional appointments by the dozen. So far I have succeeded. Therapy seems to be doing wonders. Sometimes I go for hours at full speed and I can handle it and I might be tired but I don't feel despair. I have days where I feel like my normal self again. I see that I am able to handle it all.

I really enjoy therapy. Don't get me wrong it is not a fun hour of being spoiled and told how awesome I am. It is hard work. I usually park the car 10 min away and walk for 10 min before and after as that helps me unwind. This week I was late so I had to park right there to make it on time. When I got back into the car I was exhausted. My hands started shaking and I had to take a minute to compose myself. Often I cry on the way home. Just to relief all the tension. It is hard work. Fortunately it pays a nie dividend.

MO-THU IN 16 HOURS

For some reason last Wednesday felt like a Monday. I even told Luke he can take a toy to school. It was hard to explain to him, that Mom messed up and that it was Wednesday not Monday which is the official bring a toy to school day.

Now the funny thing is, by 8 pm I thought it was Thursday night. That day was so full it felt like I used up the energy of one whole week. 

STUBBORN

My husband seems to be okay. Might just be battling a bad migraine. He came back from the hospital at 5:30 am and has slept a lot since.
This little adventure has seriously effected my sleep and I feel hung over. I feel small and useless and incapable again. Today I will use a personally trait that is usually not considered good. I can be extremely stubborn. Today I will carry on regardless. I will carry on and prove to myself that I am all the things I felt I can be on Saturday. 

BURDENS

I will not allow you to be my burden. Not anymore. For so many years I have carried the load, that others put on me, around with me. I am done.

I will not worry if they like me or not. I will be kind. For the sake of being kind. Because I feel better when I am kind. 
I will not worry if they think my house is clean enough. I take care of my family. The best way I can.
I will not even worry about all the things that usually worry me right now.

As I was writing this I got a phone call. James got injured playing basketball. No one is sure what really happend, I was told he must have smacked his and kept playing. 2 min before the game was up he collapsed and started puking. I feel for him and would like to be with him, hold his hand and tell him things will be okay. Yet I am not worried. A little part of me also wants to smack him for being stupid. That is so him. Ignoring his pain and playing as if his life depended on it. 

I am filled with peace and I know things will be alright. He is in good hands. His friends called an ambulance and stayed with him. They offered to come pick me up as I am without a car, one offered to bring his wife to babysit. It is past 10 pm. There is nothing I can do for him. He is in good hands. The only thing I can do for him is stay with his kids and keep them save.

If this had happened yesterday I would have been a sobbing mess with visions of his funeral and myself as a widow with 6 children. 

Today I am filled with peace. God loves me. Good loves James. Everything will be alright.