NOTHING AND NO ONE

Nothing and no one can phase me. Nothing and no one can get to me. My new mantra. I am afraid my oldest son might just be "no one". My 2 weeks of appointments are catching up on me. Of course it has to be tonight that James is off volunteering and if I had known how fast tonight would go down hill I would have begged him to stay home.

ROTM - BATHROOM

I did it. It took me all day, as I ran off frequently. At the end of the day I can proudly say that the whole downstairs bathroom is cleaned, organized and free of toys. The toy invasion really got out of hand lately.

So, two rooms down in January and still a few days left to start a new room. I am tempted to continue in the kitchen, but that is such a monster of a room, I think I need to boost my self confidence a little before I get back to that. I might have a quarter done already, but that was the easy part.

I still have quite a few extra appointments over the next couple of week and I need to make sure I don't overdo it. I am still way too close to that gaping hole called depression to do anything crazy!

ZAPPED

11 days. My high lasted 11 days. Today I cried. An endless string of appointments will do that to you. I cried twice. Or was it 3 times? It doesn't matter. I cried and it's okay.

I got it all done, the kids had food. Probably not a balanced meal, but they didn't go hungry and I am determined to keep going. That is all that counts.

CRAZY WEEK

I had one of the craziest weeks in recent history, with a million appointments and 3 big upsets. Guess what. I maneuvered through it all. My logistic skills came in handy, I made some decisions without second guessing myself (that in itself is a small miracle) and I pulled it off with a smile and full of confidence!

ROTM - BOY'S ROOM

Focusing on one room per month has proved rather helpful to me. I made a halfhearted attempt on the kitchen in December and got going for real in January. I went for the easiest room. Kind of funny to think that the cleanest and best organized bedroom in a house is the room of 2 teenage boys.

It took a week but I am proud to say that except for washing the windows and dusting the book shelf they boys did it all by themselves.

We got rid of about 20 lbs of paper, all school related and I hope a few other things. Oh wait. I did vacuum under the bed because the "under the bed clean up" did not meet my perfectionist standards.

Well. I am happy with our work. I started on the downstairs bathroom. Another easy one. Stay tuned for results!

BREAKING UP

On Tuesday I told my therapist that I had bad news for him. As I said this with a big grin on my face he wasn't too worried. I told him that for the first time I can imagine life without him. He laughed and cried out:"Oh my, something went terrible wrong! What should I do now?" "Find a new patient," I suggested. He asured me that there was no shortage of people who wanted to see him.

I did tell him that I know I am not all the way ready to pull this off without him and that I plan to be back repeatedly over the coming year, but that in the long run I think I know what my problem is and how to deal with it now.

It was a very productive hour at his office. Yes. I cried, but hey, that's just me. Tears of relief are not bad. And relief it is that I feel now.

I LOVE HER ENERGY

A few weeks ago, I was at a convention for women organized by my church. I met old friends and also some new people. I was introduced to someone by a woman that I have known for some years. As Anne introduced me, she put her arm around me and said enthusiastically:"I love this girl's energy." My mental, sarcastic, reply was:"Right. Energy. Me. NOT!"

What she said stayed with me and I realized that she had a point. Some time ago, in a life I hardly seem to remember I used to have energy. Lots of it. Enough to go around. I wondered what happened to it. Once I realized I cried as it was such a relief.

For the last 2 decades I had slowly started to use my energy to keep my energy tamed and regulated. Why? Because way too many people out there can't handle the full energetic me. I am just a little too much for them. But guess what. That is their problem I decided. I have tried to protect my surroundings by keeping my energy bottled up. That made me aggressive and kept me from developing talents and character traits. In the long run I hurt the people around myself more with this behavior than by not restraining my energy.

I have no intention of walking all over others. I will just not be stopped by them anymore.

After so many years of not letting my energy flow it feels a little scary to let it all out. Nevertheless.

I am ready.

MY NEW LIFE

I was in the middle of cleaning my bathroom when I dropped everything to write this post. I have a new life. It has lasted for 3 days and a part of me wonders how long it will last. Deep down inside I know it will last for as long as I let it. My new life started 3 days ago. It feels like it changed from one moment to the next, but if I look closer I know this is a process that has been going on for a long time. At least for 9 months. 3 days ago I went through an emotional earthquake. Instead of things going to pieces like they usually do, the single pieces fell together to become one.

For the first time in what seems forever I am at peace with my self. At peace with who I am and at peace with where I am at. 

LOUNGE WEAR

I have always been a fan of lounge wear. You might have noticed that a lot of "get-organized-people" condemn it. At least for everyday wear. They also propose that you get nice lounge wear and not just use up clothing that you can't wear in public anymore.

I understood and yet I did not understand that concept. Personally I am far more perceptible to the color I am wearing than to the actual item I thought. I gave it a try and I hate to admit that came to the conclusion these people might be on to something. 

Being a true hoarder I decide to wear my current lounge wear until it falls apart or until I am too skinny to wear it and then get new stuff.

I was chatting with my friend, for once wearing decent things, a pair of jeans and my favorite t-shirt, when Holly brought up that once again she noticed that she doesn't get much done in lounge wear, That her outfit felt more like pyjamas and that she had been wasting away her morning. Her conclusion was that if she wanted to get anything done that day she better get dressed.

15 min later I found myself in the bedroom with a bag. I put all my clothes on the bed (tiny pile, I have no clothes) and only put things back into the wardrobe that I wear on the street or to sleep (reduced those to 2 sets). I have 2 sets of yoga pants for sports and that is it now. It was just a small bag, yet I hope, that it will make a big difference in my life! 

HAPPY 2018!

Better late, then never, right? I had this PERFECT idea for a picture for this blog post with  my old and new calendar blablabla. Do you see a picture? Me neither. Why not. Well, because the picture still hasn't been taken. Story of my life. Big mouth - zero delivery. So I wondered what is more important. The perfect picture to go with the post? Or actually posting?

Well. I guess for me, posting, even without the perfect picture for the entry is more important. MY start with my new years improvements is a little slow for the same reason. I want to get it perfect from the start. It's too bad that improvements usually are a work in progress. I am still practicing my "good enough vs perfect" mindset.

So. What is new this year? The BRAIN DUMP book is new. I am keeping the 1 year calendar book approach as that has really worked well for me last year. The brain dump is a spiral note book with a fancy cover. In it I write down ideas for future projects. Each project gets a new page so there is room to plan. I am also working on establishing routines which I write down in the brain dump book. This way I don't have to keep track of it all in my mind but write it down, release it and come back to it when I have time or additional ideas.

So, HAPPY NEW YEAR! To exciting new beginnings and finding joy in the process! 

CLEANING FRENZY

Every year, sometime around the 26th to the 28th of December a certain nervousness washes over me and I have the unstoppable urge to tear apart the whole house, clean and purge and get things perfect. This year it hit on the 27th and lasted 2 hours.

Now 2 days later I know what my problem was. I started in the nightmare room. The girls' bedroom. There is no way one lonely soul will ever conquer that room. It is just too much. It drains your energy and people like me who need to pickup every single bead will never get anywhere.

Now that I know what the problem is I decided to just focus my energy on less crowded areas. Poor boys. Went through their book shelf, Cleaned, purged and dusted. We are not done, but it feels like I made a difference.

I can and will make a difference. And I will start in the easy corners. I don't need a challenge at the moment. I need results!

Edit: Obviously I am not posting much at the moment! I would like to add that we finished the boys' room. Off to new adventures!