TIRED

Once again I am always tired. Not sure if it is the depression creeping back, lack of sleep or just life demanding 1 million things from me. Maybe a little bit of everything.

I talked to the therapist about self sabotage. At first he didn't know what I was taking about and thought it is me expecting things to fall into place and my house being clean despite 6 kids. But no. That's not it. 

Not checking for my keys at night when I have an 8 am appointment and then frantically searching for them still when I should have left already. That is one of my self sabotage moments. When I could have done something ahead of time, with plenty of time to get it done or going to bed without worrying if I really have everything because I KNOW I have everything.

He said it is totally understandable that I don't check for that key and stay on the couch, because I am overwhelmed already and it is just one more thing demanded of me. He says it is my way of protecting myself.

I think my subconscious and I should have a talk. Wouldn't it be more effective to go look for that key in advance to spare myself the stress and panic? wouldn't life run so much smoother if I did that one load of laundry and the kids had clean sock the next morning? Wouldn't it be better to finish the days chores and then sit down and actually relax without feeling guilty about it?

Knowing it might be a way to protect myself  makes me feel better about, still I have that  nagging feeling that it would be smarter and more efficient to make myself do those little things. 

PAPER FLOWER

So the other night Marie's homeroom teacher sent an email out at 6:30 pm informing parents that the group picture they took a few weeks ago did not turn out and would we please be so kind and send the paper flower that they were holding in the picture back to school with them the next morning? Uhm. Say what? Of course I didn't read it until 8:20 pm. I made Marie get up and look for it. 5  min later she showed up and said:"I think it was squished and we threw it away." When she said that I remembered thanking her for letting me throw it out. Can you believe that a hoarder household actually THREW SOMETHING OUT that obviously seems to be something you are to keep?

Well, being the "never let anyone down" personality that I am I asked Marie how long it took to make the flowers. She said 2 hours. Uhm. Well. I asked her if she could show me how to do it. She told me there was a you tube tutorial. We found it in just a few seconds and I set out to work. Trust me. Only a room full of elementary school kids can take 2 hours for this craft.

I am proud to announce that I did not make 2 or 3 (as I originally planned) so other kids who might not have one would be provided for.

When I showed it to Marie she said:"Our flower only had 5 leaves, but yours actually looks nicer."

Mom of the month award....HERE I COME!

PS: If you are dying to make this craft simply search for Kusudama Origami flower. I have seen anything from 5 up to 8 leaves.

FEELING FAT

I have a new criteria for clothes that are leaving my closet. If it makes me feel fat, it goes. You might say, but she IS fat! No wonder she FEELS FAT. IT is just A FACT. But you know, I have clothes that make me fell normal, sometime even good. And I have some that make me feel heavy, fat and short. I just remembered this as I am folding laundry and came across one of the "I feel fat shirts". Well. It's in the donation bag! 

BURSTING YOUR BUBBLE

If you are anything like me, you LOVE before-after pictures. It is so fun to see progress. So inspiring what people have accomplished. If you are excited about the after pic. OOPS! This is the after pic! This is my drawer by the front door. The things it should contain is stuff I  need every day and that I need for just a second. Like my wallet and keys, scotch tape and glue, scissors, a pen. You get the idea. Lately it has become more of hiding spot for all the little things I didn't know how to or didn't want to deal with. I knew it would take forever to get it done and I was worried about all the things I would be left to deal with.

So when I got started on this I reminded myself of the following important things:

• Most important is to get started
• 5 min can make a difference
• Don't worry about finishing
• Forget perfect
• The perfect time to do it won't come

So I started clearing out my little drawer that when organized as I want it is super helpful and super efficient. At the moment is was just super full and even my wallet can disappear in it completely. Obviously it is far from perfect. I only worked a couple of minutes on it every time, but I did return to it repeatedly. I only dealt with things that were easy, picked out trash and put things away that have a home. I can now close it without having to shove things around to keep it all leveled! 

AVOIDANCE

Besides being the queen of chaos, I am also the queen of avoidance, postponing and procrastinating. There is one area of work surface in my kitchen that always gets cluttered. And there is usually some fruit or vegetable amidst all of that crap dying a slow death and secretly rotting away. I would like to claim I am not a filthy hoarder, but lets face it. If I came across that corner in somebody else's kitchen I would be revolted.

Are you aware how much energy undone tasks suck out of you? I am finally learning to see that. So today I sucked it up and did it. First I thought this will take less time then I thought, I figured I might have it done in 15 min, I ended up spending more like 40 min. 

I threw away dry bread that I meant to turn into bread crumbs for weeks, I found rotting vegetables still in their packages and came across all kind of random things that should have never been in the kitchen in the first place. 

And lo and behold. 2 days after Easter I already washed and put the last Christmas cookie tins away.

THINGS THAT WORK

I was wondering what I have to do to get back on track. I had times in my life when I felt I had a grip on things. I was wondering what I can do to feel like this again. Finally it hit me. May, just maybe I should just go back to doing what I did back then?!

So here is what works for me

maintenance and declutter: 10 magic min totaling 2 hours per day
emotional well being: brisk early morning walks 20-30 min
physical well being: low carb diet

I am excited to start those things again. I know they work for me and I know they help me feel better. I have a few things that I would like to implement in my life that I hope will help for me, but for the moment I will stick with those 3.

THE FLU

As if life hadn't been crazy enough we got hit by the flu. Hard. All 6 kids had it one after the other. At one time all 6 of them were home sick together. It has been 2 weeks. They are on the mend, but 3 of them are still struggling. To keep things entertaining, one of them added an ear infection and needs antibiotics and 2 other kids have been throwing up.

No such thing as a room of the month or organized declutter. Simply day to day survival.

We are almost back to normal. Ella is still too weak to make it to school. She looks like a little ghost fluttering through the house in her nightgown. Her skin color can only be described as ashen.

So no Room Of The Month, no 10 magic minutes, just medicine, thermometers and endless hours of 
holding little ones, who felt too hot to touch.

New week, new luck. 

*&%*§

I am in the mood to rip somebodies head of. Or to punch someone really really hard. And numerous times. Is it really so hard to pass on information? Do people really care so little about me that no matter how often I  request something and I am told it is great input and they will definitely do things differently but of course do it the way it is hardest for me the next time again anyway?

I am sick and tired of being the idiot running after people who can't get their job done. I am sick and tired of waiting around because people can't pass on information. I am SICK AND TIRED of people pretending to have my best interest in mind who clearly don't care.

I don't care if they volunteer their time. I don't care if there is no malicious intent. I also don't want to hear the onehundredandfifth apology. Can't they just simply GET IT RIGHT!?!

FEELING LOW

Nothing like starting the week realizing that contrary to your own believe, you never finished the deep cleaning in the bathroom downstairs. The house is a total wreck. Our contractor left us hanging. Kids surprised me with a bunch of shockingly bad grades and I feel like the worst mom.

Of course feeling like this won't get me anywhere. Time to be stubborn and simply move on. 10 min at a rime. I know I am stubborn enough to pull this off!

3 days later I am happy to report, that at least the downstairs is all clean and that we made some serious progress upstairs.

ONE FOCUS

Since I started therapy I am learning to accept what I can and what I can not handle at a certain time. I have noticed that I can focus on one aspect of my life at any given time, on really good days I can balance 2. If I try to juggle 3 none of them gets taken care of properly and I fail in all of them.

It is sometimes hard to accept it, as years and years ago I considered myself an awesome multi tasker. IT is also liberating in some ways. These days I give myself permission to focus on one aspect of life and to let the others slide. Like not expecting myself to do any household chores on Tuesday which has a minimum of 5 hours of back to back appointments. I still do household chores when I get around to it, they are just considered bonus. I actually get more work done this way as the pressure is off.

A lot of my weeks are so full that my main focus has to be appointments, just to have everything ready and to be to where ever I have to be on time, with the right people in tow.

Next week promises to be relatively slow, so my focus will be on getting the house back in shape. It is desperately needed. Wish me luck!

STOMACH BUG

Well, I was wrong about the stomach bug. With Luke throwing up first, every single kid followed over a period of 3 days. I must say I spent the 3 days laughing. It was like a slow motion chain reaction. Of course it turned things up side down around here.

I am back to square one. The house is a major mess, but I did come up with a new decluttering technique. If they puke on it, toss it! I got rid of a shirt I never liked much, last years calendar and 2 children's books this way. I did keep the laptop and the tablet.

Nobody puked in the last 28 hours and I sure hope it stays that way. I promise to keep decluttering, even without vomit!

HOT SAUCE

A few weeks back I read this blogpost about how we can't be everyone's darling. And that it is okay if we are not liked by every one. The author had a great way of illustrating this by using the example of chick-fil-a sauce. And that we each might prefer a different sauce with our nuggets, even if in the author's mind chick-fil-a is the best. I thought that is easily said if you are chick-fil-a and the majority likes you. But what if you are hot sauce? And people simply can't handle you? When people tell you hot sauce is awesome but only use it twice a year? I shed a few tears feeling sorry for myself, knowing that she was right and we have to be our own unique flavor, still hoping I could one day learn the secret ingredient for being everybody's favorite flavor.

Fast forward to now. I am HOT SAUCE! Extra hot. A few drops of me can flavor a whole dish. You will always remember the first time you came in contact with me. I am so hot I make you cry. I am so hot I make you laugh cause you think it is hilarious how strongly you react to me.

Hot sauce might not be for every one and every day. None the less. Hot sauce is awesome and has her own place! I am hot sauce. And for the first time I am just fine with that!

NEW DAY - NEW ME

So the stomach bug seems mostly over. I still am not back to 100% but at least I am not breaking into a sweat after climbing  up a flight of stairs. A part of me would prefer to just sit on the couch and watch TV for the next 5 years, but another part of me knows unless I keep going I will be trapped in this mess forever.

I told James that it feels like every time I hit a spot where I feel I am making progress something happens. Like half the family being down with a bug, 6 extra appointments in a week or being a single mom due to James being away on work assignments. It happens rarely enough, but it happens.

New day. New me. I am fit and full of energy. I can do this. 

NOTHING AND NO ONE

Nothing and no one can phase me. Nothing and no one can get to me. My new mantra. I am afraid my oldest son might just be "no one". My 2 weeks of appointments are catching up on me. Of course it has to be tonight that James is off volunteering and if I had known how fast tonight would go down hill I would have begged him to stay home.

ROTM - BATHROOM

I did it. It took me all day, as I ran off frequently. At the end of the day I can proudly say that the whole downstairs bathroom is cleaned, organized and free of toys. The toy invasion really got out of hand lately.

So, two rooms down in January and still a few days left to start a new room. I am tempted to continue in the kitchen, but that is such a monster of a room, I think I need to boost my self confidence a little before I get back to that. I might have a quarter done already, but that was the easy part.

I still have quite a few extra appointments over the next couple of week and I need to make sure I don't overdo it. I am still way too close to that gaping hole called depression to do anything crazy!

ZAPPED

11 days. My high lasted 11 days. Today I cried. An endless string of appointments will do that to you. I cried twice. Or was it 3 times? It doesn't matter. I cried and it's okay.

I got it all done, the kids had food. Probably not a balanced meal, but they didn't go hungry and I am determined to keep going. That is all that counts.

CRAZY WEEK

I had one of the craziest weeks in recent history, with a million appointments and 3 big upsets. Guess what. I maneuvered through it all. My logistic skills came in handy, I made some decisions without second guessing myself (that in itself is a small miracle) and I pulled it off with a smile and full of confidence!

ROTM - BOY'S ROOM

Focusing on one room per month has proved rather helpful to me. I made a halfhearted attempt on the kitchen in December and got going for real in January. I went for the easiest room. Kind of funny to think that the cleanest and best organized bedroom in a house is the room of 2 teenage boys.

It took a week but I am proud to say that except for washing the windows and dusting the book shelf they boys did it all by themselves.

We got rid of about 20 lbs of paper, all school related and I hope a few other things. Oh wait. I did vacuum under the bed because the "under the bed clean up" did not meet my perfectionist standards.

Well. I am happy with our work. I started on the downstairs bathroom. Another easy one. Stay tuned for results!

BREAKING UP

On Tuesday I told my therapist that I had bad news for him. As I said this with a big grin on my face he wasn't too worried. I told him that for the first time I can imagine life without him. He laughed and cried out:"Oh my, something went terrible wrong! What should I do now?" "Find a new patient," I suggested. He asured me that there was no shortage of people who wanted to see him.

I did tell him that I know I am not all the way ready to pull this off without him and that I plan to be back repeatedly over the coming year, but that in the long run I think I know what my problem is and how to deal with it now.

It was a very productive hour at his office. Yes. I cried, but hey, that's just me. Tears of relief are not bad. And relief it is that I feel now.

I LOVE HER ENERGY

A few weeks ago, I was at a convention for women organized by my church. I met old friends and also some new people. I was introduced to someone by a woman that I have known for some years. As Anne introduced me, she put her arm around me and said enthusiastically:"I love this girl's energy." My mental, sarcastic, reply was:"Right. Energy. Me. NOT!"

What she said stayed with me and I realized that she had a point. Some time ago, in a life I hardly seem to remember I used to have energy. Lots of it. Enough to go around. I wondered what happened to it. Once I realized I cried as it was such a relief.

For the last 2 decades I had slowly started to use my energy to keep my energy tamed and regulated. Why? Because way too many people out there can't handle the full energetic me. I am just a little too much for them. But guess what. That is their problem I decided. I have tried to protect my surroundings by keeping my energy bottled up. That made me aggressive and kept me from developing talents and character traits. In the long run I hurt the people around myself more with this behavior than by not restraining my energy.

I have no intention of walking all over others. I will just not be stopped by them anymore.

After so many years of not letting my energy flow it feels a little scary to let it all out. Nevertheless.

I am ready.

MY NEW LIFE

I was in the middle of cleaning my bathroom when I dropped everything to write this post. I have a new life. It has lasted for 3 days and a part of me wonders how long it will last. Deep down inside I know it will last for as long as I let it. My new life started 3 days ago. It feels like it changed from one moment to the next, but if I look closer I know this is a process that has been going on for a long time. At least for 9 months. 3 days ago I went through an emotional earthquake. Instead of things going to pieces like they usually do, the single pieces fell together to become one.

For the first time in what seems forever I am at peace with my self. At peace with who I am and at peace with where I am at. 

LOUNGE WEAR

I have always been a fan of lounge wear. You might have noticed that a lot of "get-organized-people" condemn it. At least for everyday wear. They also propose that you get nice lounge wear and not just use up clothing that you can't wear in public anymore.

I understood and yet I did not understand that concept. Personally I am far more perceptible to the color I am wearing than to the actual item I thought. I gave it a try and I hate to admit that came to the conclusion these people might be on to something. 

Being a true hoarder I decide to wear my current lounge wear until it falls apart or until I am too skinny to wear it and then get new stuff.

I was chatting with my friend, for once wearing decent things, a pair of jeans and my favorite t-shirt, when Holly brought up that once again she noticed that she doesn't get much done in lounge wear, That her outfit felt more like pyjamas and that she had been wasting away her morning. Her conclusion was that if she wanted to get anything done that day she better get dressed.

15 min later I found myself in the bedroom with a bag. I put all my clothes on the bed (tiny pile, I have no clothes) and only put things back into the wardrobe that I wear on the street or to sleep (reduced those to 2 sets). I have 2 sets of yoga pants for sports and that is it now. It was just a small bag, yet I hope, that it will make a big difference in my life! 

HAPPY 2018!

Better late, then never, right? I had this PERFECT idea for a picture for this blog post with  my old and new calendar blablabla. Do you see a picture? Me neither. Why not. Well, because the picture still hasn't been taken. Story of my life. Big mouth - zero delivery. So I wondered what is more important. The perfect picture to go with the post? Or actually posting?

Well. I guess for me, posting, even without the perfect picture for the entry is more important. MY start with my new years improvements is a little slow for the same reason. I want to get it perfect from the start. It's too bad that improvements usually are a work in progress. I am still practicing my "good enough vs perfect" mindset.

So. What is new this year? The BRAIN DUMP book is new. I am keeping the 1 year calendar book approach as that has really worked well for me last year. The brain dump is a spiral note book with a fancy cover. In it I write down ideas for future projects. Each project gets a new page so there is room to plan. I am also working on establishing routines which I write down in the brain dump book. This way I don't have to keep track of it all in my mind but write it down, release it and come back to it when I have time or additional ideas.

So, HAPPY NEW YEAR! To exciting new beginnings and finding joy in the process! 

CLEANING FRENZY

Every year, sometime around the 26th to the 28th of December a certain nervousness washes over me and I have the unstoppable urge to tear apart the whole house, clean and purge and get things perfect. This year it hit on the 27th and lasted 2 hours.

Now 2 days later I know what my problem was. I started in the nightmare room. The girls' bedroom. There is no way one lonely soul will ever conquer that room. It is just too much. It drains your energy and people like me who need to pickup every single bead will never get anywhere.

Now that I know what the problem is I decided to just focus my energy on less crowded areas. Poor boys. Went through their book shelf, Cleaned, purged and dusted. We are not done, but it feels like I made a difference.

I can and will make a difference. And I will start in the easy corners. I don't need a challenge at the moment. I need results!

Edit: Obviously I am not posting much at the moment! I would like to add that we finished the boys' room. Off to new adventures!