I just read my last post. First it made me cry. Now I want to laugh. I am not sure what I was worried about back then, but let me tell you. It only got worse. Alex is back at the hospital, he had to undergo minor surgery. Just going back and forth to see him takes forever. He is stressed about the whole thing, and is not in a good mood. So hanging out with a grumpy teen is my reward for going all over town when I have a million things to do. The fact that he has been on various antibiotics and nothing has really helped so far is not making things better for me. 3 weeks ago I spent 13 out of 24 hours at various doctors offices and clinics with 3 different children. A broken toe (Hope), parotitis ( Matt, most likely due to blockage) the poor child looked like a lopsided hamster and a vicious looking infection (Alex) in the middle of a pretty face was more than I bargained for. And people expect you to keep life going for the rest of the family.
James is frustrated with work. The dynamics there are toxic. At the moment we feel bombarded from all sides. Health, work, social life (don't get me started), and the construction site upstairs eat up all our energy.
The other day I had to literally force myself to throw away an empty roll of toilet paper. It'S day by day. Task by task. I tell myself how awesome I am for keeping all the other appointments with the kids and making sure they have their homework done and their projects going. They eat cereal up to 3 times a day and I tell myself at least they are not hungry.
Last night I spent 2 hours micro organizing just because I knew it would calm me down. Next week's agenda makes me want to cry.
But guess what. I am still hot sauce and I am awesome and I can totally take care of it all!
2019-11-09
2019-09-27
3 am
There is only so much you can or WANT to do at 3 am with a house of peaceful sleepers, I am tired. Very tired. Yet sleep eludes me. And when it comes it refuses to stay.
I am stressed. I know that. I even know what stresses me so much. IT is many little things, a few big things. Personal and medical matters. IT all amounts to one thing. Me sleeping poorly. I have no control over these things and I wish I could let go of them long enough to sleep for a few hours, but they even follow me into my dreams.
It is hard to focus when you are sleep deprived. I turn to food when sleep deprived. I have gained almost 10 lbs in just 5 weeks. I cry frequently. Mostly from exhaustion. I suck it up and keep going. I have said no to more than one thing lately, but I am afraid not to enough things.
I take things one task at a time. What else can I do.
I am stressed. I know that. I even know what stresses me so much. IT is many little things, a few big things. Personal and medical matters. IT all amounts to one thing. Me sleeping poorly. I have no control over these things and I wish I could let go of them long enough to sleep for a few hours, but they even follow me into my dreams.
It is hard to focus when you are sleep deprived. I turn to food when sleep deprived. I have gained almost 10 lbs in just 5 weeks. I cry frequently. Mostly from exhaustion. I suck it up and keep going. I have said no to more than one thing lately, but I am afraid not to enough things.
I take things one task at a time. What else can I do.
2019-09-14
EFFICIENCY
I don't recall if I blogged about this before or not, but it has been on my mind repeatedly lately. I am not sure if I was taught to be efficient or if it is a thing that is simply a part of my personality. but I think at least parts of my need to be super efficient is training.
My understanding until now was that being efficient means getting things done with the least amount of time and effort. So if you are cleaning up downstairs and you come across something that needs to go upstairs, you don't put it away, you put it on the stairs and wait until you have enough to make it worth it taking the trip or you are going upstairs anyway. You don't go to the clothes donation box to drop of 2 items. You wait until the bag is full. Or until after you have gone through everybody's clothes. If you need an utensil in the kitchen you washed by hand later in the day, you don't put it away, you keep it out.
I think you see were this is going. The focus is on spending less time and effort on tasks but NOT on getting them done. Never getting anything done will lead to clutter around the house. It will also leave you with a whole list of unfinished projects in the back of your head and believe me. The suck energy out of you like nothing else.
So I have come to the conclusion in order to be more efficient in the sense of getting things done, sometimes you have to be less efficient in the sense of how much time goes into something.
My understanding until now was that being efficient means getting things done with the least amount of time and effort. So if you are cleaning up downstairs and you come across something that needs to go upstairs, you don't put it away, you put it on the stairs and wait until you have enough to make it worth it taking the trip or you are going upstairs anyway. You don't go to the clothes donation box to drop of 2 items. You wait until the bag is full. Or until after you have gone through everybody's clothes. If you need an utensil in the kitchen you washed by hand later in the day, you don't put it away, you keep it out.
I think you see were this is going. The focus is on spending less time and effort on tasks but NOT on getting them done. Never getting anything done will lead to clutter around the house. It will also leave you with a whole list of unfinished projects in the back of your head and believe me. The suck energy out of you like nothing else.
So I have come to the conclusion in order to be more efficient in the sense of getting things done, sometimes you have to be less efficient in the sense of how much time goes into something.
2019-08-20
TIMBER!
Yesterday was not a good day. From the very first minute I felt like all I did was try to keep up with life. I stayed brave and courageous and kept working. And things kept going wrong. I felt overwhelmed but didn't give up. Until I fell.
I walked into the bedroom. I am not even sure what happend. I carried a basket of laundry and tripped over a basket on the floor. I am not sure if I didn't see it, or tried to get past it and misjudged the distance. It doesn't matter. I sensed myself losing balance. I tried to catch myself and for a second I did. Then I realized I couldn't and surrendered. I fell like a big Douglas fir about to be turned into a Christmas tree.
I heard the basket crunch under my weight. I heard the other basket slam down on the side of my bed as I ever so slowly sank deeper. I slammed down on my whole right side between the bed and the wardrobe.
I allowed myself to stay on the floor and started sobbing from the shock. I just wanted to lie there and cry and never get up again. I sat up deciding crying is not going to fix it.
What really ended my day for me was that obviously 2 of the kids wondered about the noise. They came out of their rooms and obviously thought nothing of their mother sitting on the bedroom floor in a tiny gap between the bed and the wardrobe. Neither of them asked if something was wrong, what the crashing sound was or even if I had heard something, too. For a moment I wanted to get nasty and sarcastic thanking them for their concern, but I bit my lip.
I told a friend, who told me to lay down and stay in bed for the rest of the day without even bothering to ask if I hurt myself.
Sometimes I really do wonder if anyone cares.
I walked into the bedroom. I am not even sure what happend. I carried a basket of laundry and tripped over a basket on the floor. I am not sure if I didn't see it, or tried to get past it and misjudged the distance. It doesn't matter. I sensed myself losing balance. I tried to catch myself and for a second I did. Then I realized I couldn't and surrendered. I fell like a big Douglas fir about to be turned into a Christmas tree.
I heard the basket crunch under my weight. I heard the other basket slam down on the side of my bed as I ever so slowly sank deeper. I slammed down on my whole right side between the bed and the wardrobe.
I allowed myself to stay on the floor and started sobbing from the shock. I just wanted to lie there and cry and never get up again. I sat up deciding crying is not going to fix it.
What really ended my day for me was that obviously 2 of the kids wondered about the noise. They came out of their rooms and obviously thought nothing of their mother sitting on the bedroom floor in a tiny gap between the bed and the wardrobe. Neither of them asked if something was wrong, what the crashing sound was or even if I had heard something, too. For a moment I wanted to get nasty and sarcastic thanking them for their concern, but I bit my lip.
I told a friend, who told me to lay down and stay in bed for the rest of the day without even bothering to ask if I hurt myself.
Sometimes I really do wonder if anyone cares.
2019-08-14
LIGHTS OFF
For months the light in the downstairs hall was on at night. Maybe close to a year by now. Why? Because my upstairs landing is big and square and inviting. It is a clutter magnet. Baskets of clean folded laundry that don't get put away end up there. Toys. Cause the little one enjoys the open space. Anything ends up there. Stuff that needs sorting, stuff that needs to be put away. It is in baskets and boxes and I was always terrified that someone might trip and break their neck on a midnight trip to the facilities.
The downstairs light gave enough light to see on the upstairs landing without blinding anyone or disrupting their sleep. No matter how often I managed to clear the hall it was cluttered up again within hours. For the last 2 weeks I think the light has been off. Maybe even longer. Not, Not because I live north enough that the midnight sun shines bright and guides the way.
That landing is free of clutter. At least most of the time. Worst case it is on basket which can be moved close to the wall without blocking any paths to the bathroom. I work hard to keep it clear. It takes effort and some sacrifices, like messing up my own room more again.
This landing will stay clear. In some ways it is symbolic for me. I CAN and will work hard to get and KEEP this house safe for everyone.
The downstairs light gave enough light to see on the upstairs landing without blinding anyone or disrupting their sleep. No matter how often I managed to clear the hall it was cluttered up again within hours. For the last 2 weeks I think the light has been off. Maybe even longer. Not, Not because I live north enough that the midnight sun shines bright and guides the way.
That landing is free of clutter. At least most of the time. Worst case it is on basket which can be moved close to the wall without blocking any paths to the bathroom. I work hard to keep it clear. It takes effort and some sacrifices, like messing up my own room more again.
This landing will stay clear. In some ways it is symbolic for me. I CAN and will work hard to get and KEEP this house safe for everyone.
2019-08-12
SUCCESS STORIES
I hope you like success stories, because I am about to share one.
Matt finally agreed to get another piece of furniture. He is my minimalist and seems to not ever keep anything that is not necessary. In his new bedroom he has a desk with a small integrated shelf and a bed that has 3 drawers. That's it. He keeps his clothes and school stuff under his bed and everyday stuff on his shelf.
The reason I don't like this set up is that the drawers are huge and stuff just kind of falls around in it. In addition, it seems that dust and small particles love falling into them from the cracks between the mattress and the frame.
Being a micro organizer I prefer turning big spaces into smaller spaces. In my current attempt to purge I had him open his drawers for inspection and saw that his clothes drawers are rather full, almost too full. I asked him for the umpteenth time if he needed more storage and he finally agreed. No. That is not the whole story already, even if it felt like a huge success to me!
We went online and checked for dressers. I had something in mind. We discussed our options. Found something we liked in a store near by. I asked James to go pick it up after work if he agreed with our choice. Of course he did. Once James was home Matt and I got to work to put it together. Various siblings showed up to help. It took us far longer than I hoped, but it is up and looking nice.
What's the success story you ask? Simple, everyday life you say? Well. Simple for most people, not for me. I made a decision. I stuck with it I did not change my mind 27 times and actually pulled it off. I did not push it to tomorrow, which we all know never comes. I got it done and things are set up. All in one day. I am proud of myself!
Matt finally agreed to get another piece of furniture. He is my minimalist and seems to not ever keep anything that is not necessary. In his new bedroom he has a desk with a small integrated shelf and a bed that has 3 drawers. That's it. He keeps his clothes and school stuff under his bed and everyday stuff on his shelf.
The reason I don't like this set up is that the drawers are huge and stuff just kind of falls around in it. In addition, it seems that dust and small particles love falling into them from the cracks between the mattress and the frame.
Being a micro organizer I prefer turning big spaces into smaller spaces. In my current attempt to purge I had him open his drawers for inspection and saw that his clothes drawers are rather full, almost too full. I asked him for the umpteenth time if he needed more storage and he finally agreed. No. That is not the whole story already, even if it felt like a huge success to me!
We went online and checked for dressers. I had something in mind. We discussed our options. Found something we liked in a store near by. I asked James to go pick it up after work if he agreed with our choice. Of course he did. Once James was home Matt and I got to work to put it together. Various siblings showed up to help. It took us far longer than I hoped, but it is up and looking nice.
What's the success story you ask? Simple, everyday life you say? Well. Simple for most people, not for me. I made a decision. I stuck with it I did not change my mind 27 times and actually pulled it off. I did not push it to tomorrow, which we all know never comes. I got it done and things are set up. All in one day. I am proud of myself!
2019-07-29
OLD POSTS
I have been reading through old posts and they make me cry. Maybe it is just lack of decent sleep.
I am not in a bad place...just a very tired place. Tired of doing the same things over and over. Tired of feeling I will never see the end of this. Reading through old posts is not helpful in this situation. The same crap, over and over and over again. The same mess, the same feelings of not being good enough, the same stories of procrastination and indecisiveness.
This morning I decided I will pick 3 tasks and focus on them. Guess what. too much. I will focus on one. Just one. I have a translation to finish. That is the task to focus on.
Unless it is done. No worries about anything else.
I am not in a bad place...just a very tired place. Tired of doing the same things over and over. Tired of feeling I will never see the end of this. Reading through old posts is not helpful in this situation. The same crap, over and over and over again. The same mess, the same feelings of not being good enough, the same stories of procrastination and indecisiveness.
This morning I decided I will pick 3 tasks and focus on them. Guess what. too much. I will focus on one. Just one. I have a translation to finish. That is the task to focus on.
Unless it is done. No worries about anything else.
2019-07-27
YARN
I get hand me downs from people all the time. Last time the bag of clothes also contained a few balls of yarn. OF a quality that I don't really use. Colors I didn't even like. I took them to preschool and asked them if they wanted it. The teacher took about 2/3 of it and didn't want the rest.
The yarn was navy blue. Felt polyestery and yuck. And was "brand new", not even rolled into a ball. With a price tag still on it. 2 of them. From the discolored prize tag it was obvious that the thing had been around for a while. Can you believe that even after the preschool teacher didn't want it it took me 2 weeks to just put it in the trash? I was trying so hard to come up with things to do with it. Didn't come up with a single one. I was frustrated when I put it in the trash. Frustrated that there was no use for something so "new and useful". Frustrated every time I put something else in the trash. And a little proud of myself for actually doing it....
The yarn was navy blue. Felt polyestery and yuck. And was "brand new", not even rolled into a ball. With a price tag still on it. 2 of them. From the discolored prize tag it was obvious that the thing had been around for a while. Can you believe that even after the preschool teacher didn't want it it took me 2 weeks to just put it in the trash? I was trying so hard to come up with things to do with it. Didn't come up with a single one. I was frustrated when I put it in the trash. Frustrated that there was no use for something so "new and useful". Frustrated every time I put something else in the trash. And a little proud of myself for actually doing it....
2019-07-21
2019-07-07
2019-07-03
DID YOU MISS ME?
Probably not. Did I miss blogging? In some ways, yes. In others, no.
It has been almost 14 months since I last posted. To be honest, I thought it was longer. So much has happened since and so much has changed and so much is still the same.
The plan is still to get out of chaos and into calming surroundings. I have come a long way and I still have quite a way to go. To get back into the blog I clicked on a link in an email notifying me about a comment. I ended up rereading the post and it dawned on me, that the epiphany I told about in I LOVE HER ENERGY is very similar to my insight from this post. I guess some things you have to understand more than once before you really get them.
It has been almost 14 months since I last posted. To be honest, I thought it was longer. So much has happened since and so much has changed and so much is still the same.
The plan is still to get out of chaos and into calming surroundings. I have come a long way and I still have quite a way to go. To get back into the blog I clicked on a link in an email notifying me about a comment. I ended up rereading the post and it dawned on me, that the epiphany I told about in I LOVE HER ENERGY is very similar to my insight from this post. I guess some things you have to understand more than once before you really get them.
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