OFFICIALLY DIAGNOSED

A few weeks back I was officially diagnosed with depression. Didn't come as a big surprise to be honest. Once again it was liberating. That overwhelmed person, too tired, so exhausted, is not me. The immense need for sleep? Even during the day? A symptom! My insane craving for sweets? Another symptom!

None the less I needed to let this settle for a bit before I "told the world". Matter of fact, I think I already told my 2 faithful readers. Why not tell straight away? Well. I am okay with suffering form depression. I am just not sure my surroundings will be. Why should I care? Well. Because for too many of them depression and suicide come hand in hand. Not for me. I have not once considered taking my own life. Self harm? Well, if you count overeating yes, but other than that? No. I am not sure if I am ready for a bunch of friend watching my every move to make sure I don't jump off the next bridge.

I guess what they say is true. I am a strong woman. I am a depressed hoarder, but my kids are fed and have clean clothes, the house has been a lot worse than it is now, the kids get rides to activities and support with school work. James and I are TOTALLY pulling this off. 

I am strong. The crying is symptom. This, too, will pass. And once it is over, I will be stronger because of it!

CAKE'S THERAPEUTIC EFFECTS

Cakes's therapeutic effects lie in making it, not eating it. It is most effective when the cake is made without occasion. For the pure joy of making one. That is what I did yesterday. I finally made a cake that I've been wanting to try for years. 

It turned out better than I expected considering it was a first try. Let's face it. Nothing sophisticated. Just a layer of yellow and a layer of dark dough, with some cherries, then once it is out of the oven, a layer of pudding and a top layer of chocolate ganache. 

The pudding was a disaster in my opinion. The consistency and taste just simply didn't match my expectations.  

But do I give up now? No. So the pudding didn't work for me, I'll just come up with something else. 

How does this tie in with hoarding?

Quite simple. Even hoarders have a life and some times things just have to be about something else then decluttering. Something like making cake.

MY ATTIC

A week ago, on my roller coaster day, when I experienced my first high, I felt strong enough tho face my nemesis, the attic. BLEAH. I went up there. Looked around. Took a few pictures. And then I simply got started. I cleared the easiest corner. Brought the empty suitcases back up. Stacked the suitcases nicely and while I was at it took down 3, 2 of them broken, one just old, that need to leave the house. While I was at it I picked up a few things here and there that I shoved into the trash bag I have sitting up there, hungrily awaiting trash.I do have a separate box for recycling because being the hoarder I am I couldn't just throw it all together.

This is the big pile you run into first thing when you

 come up the ladder. Jack and Jill' wardrobe is

 hiding under the mattress.

This is what you see when you turn your head

counterclockwise. Unfortunately there is a lot of

room behind the shelf to hide more stuff.

This is behind the shelf. My more organized section.

Mostly clothes.

This is the dump everything you wish 

was organized section. Also the part 

of the roof where we had the leak 

1,5 years ago. Unfortunately nothing

got damaged. Biggest problem was 

damp walls. Still struggling with that.

This is the view from the I wish this was organized-section.

You see Jill's new dresser. And yes. There is a second one

just like it beneath it.

Here is the last corner. Notice the mattress on the left?

That is the mattress from the first picture I showed you.

This is the last corner. The one with the 

least stuff in it. That is why I decided

to start there.

This is taken standing by the suitcases.

All this stuff is hidden behind boxes and 

the mattress on top of the wardrobe.

It was more of an assessment today then organizing. It included the anxiety attack I already told you about. The emotions I went through where suppressed anger and feelings of helplessness. I was angry at myself for allowing myself to be stuck with this situation and to not just simply move one.

But I feel strong enough to tackle it this time. And to not run away and hide and shut the trapdoor. Getting rid of the wardrobe and seeing the empty spot it left gave me a great feeling of accomplishment. At the moment I feel a certain urge to keep going, to do more, while at the same time I am scared to climb back up. I am worried that the next trip won't be as successful. 

Editors note: This draft has been written some time ago. I finally feel brave enough to POST the pictures of the attic. Funniest part about it. Jill says it doesn't look like a hoarder's attic. Silly girl! If this doesn't, than what does? I better hit "publish" before my courage fails me again!

Surface of the day:dresser in the hall

5 a day: 7 glass jars

THE PERSON BEHIND THE HOARDER

Remember how I once told you that hoarders are people, too? Now that you have grown to love hoarder me it is time to fall in love with the rest of my sparkling personality! 

On TV, hoarders often come across to me as people who don't have a grip on life. Who never do anything fun. Who have no hobbies, merely obsessions. They don't leave the house and people never come to visit them. I might be a hoarder and often act like one (reprogramming me is not done), but I see myself as a fun personality. I love a good party, I love cooking and having people over.

So here. Meet the real Katja, who is so much more fun than Hoarding-Katja. Yesterday we had friends over. 8 adults and 4 kids. We officially opened the barbecue and water fight season. It was delicious and so much fun! 

James loves tomatoes and Mozzarella and as I

love James, it is an absolute must have side

 dish when ever we fire up the grill!

For the vegetarians. (Slightly blurred.)

For me....gg

NICOLE, THIS ONE IS FOR YOU!

Remember this one Nicole? 

For the life of me I can't remember what you used to have in there. I think you collected pennies in it, but I might be mistaken. I know what you are thinking.

"THROW IT AWAY!"
"Why on earth does she still have it?" 
"And how on earth did she get possession of it in the first place?"

Hahaha! I am a hoarder. I have my ways of adding things to my collection. I would love to oblige you and get rid of it, but unfortunately our candy is stashed in it and we prefer not to part with it.

Surface of the day: basket full of laundry, I know you are wondering why on earth I would count that? Well. Because it was hidden under another basket of miscellaneous and when I decided to tackle it I assumed it was miscellaneous and I  deserve credit just for being willing to deal with it. HA!

5 a day: more pieces of board games and puzzles that have been thrown out.

JACK & JILL

Jack and Jill are a young married student couple who are doing a study abroad in my area. They both do well with the language and love it here. Being students, money is tight. But they don't care and simply make do with what they have. Weeks ago a few of us were chatting and Jill mentioned that her clothes are all stacked on the floor. I offered hangers. She said hangers would be cool but she didn't know how many she needed, as she would first need to have a rack to actually hang them up. For weeks I kept forgetting about asking her about it. Last week when I was up in the attic I "stumbled" across our old wardrobe and thought about Jill and the hangers. And then it hit me. I would dump the wardrobe on Jill! It took me a couple more hours to finally contact her. And wouldn't you know it. She wanted it. She had even started looking around on ebay to buy a used one.

Best part about her wanting it was that she was willing to take it the same night. I packed up the wardrobe and my husband's power tools. The 3 of us had a blast. Don't ask me how many times I had to call my husband for advice on how to go about this best. As the wardrobe had been taken apart and moved too many times to count, it wasn't in the best shape. We kept joking how much she was allowed to tell about the story. When the thing was finally up (we ended up bolting it together with a couple of extra screws) the official version of the evening that was allowed to go public was:"Katja is so cool! Katja knows how to use power tools!"

Jill kept thanking me for the wardrobe, I kept telling her I was in her debt for taking it. I finally came out of the closet, told her that I was a hoarder. That I had a hard time parting with things.That I was able to let go happily when someone else had use for it. Jack and Jill just smiled at each other and one of them (can't remember which) looked at the other and said:"Your Mom." With the other nodding in agreement. Before I knew what I was saying I blurted:"I will post about you on my hoarder blog, but NO I will not give you my blog address." Jill said she would google my name and "hoarder" and  "blog". I just laughed and asked her if she really thought I would use my real name. Well. Little does she know her name is Jill now! We'll see if she can find me! hahaha

HAPPILY SHREDDING AWAY

Last night I was sitting in my Mom's office with her. My brother was there, too. My Mom was all excited how much better her room looked, but had to admit, that only my brother might see the difference. I was mean enough to say, the only difference I see is that the stuff on her second desk is stacked twice as high as the last time I was there a couple of months ago. Of course she got all defensive about it and then showed me a box that was sitting next to the shredder. She said:"Look. I threw away all of this. I just have to shred it still." What is it and why haven't you shredded it yet," I wondered. "Bank statements," was the answer and she kind of made it obvious that she changed her mind and might just keep them. I asked her how old they were. "Older then 7 years."

UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE MONTH! I offered for the kids to help shred it. She didn't look all that convinced but I kind of made her feel she would be doing the kids a favor. I brought it up over dinner again and even though she still didn't seem to excited about it she didn't say no. So I happily ran off to shred the stuff with the kids. The oldest bank statement I came across was from 1972. Yup. Nineteenseventytwo. As in 42 years ago. It was way too much to shred it all at once. The shredder my Mom has is for home offices and not made for heavy duty.

Cruel me knows how hoarders tick. So I decided too make sure that if she changes her mind to make it as hard as possible to keep the stuff. I took all the statements out of the paper folders and shredded those first. This way they cannot be reused for anything plus if you want to keep the stuff now you have to find something to file them in first. Evil. I know. I restacked them neatly into the box, but in random order. I know I know. Downright vicious. Our output was a trashbag (medium size) full of shreds. I am quite happy with myself. Too bad I didn't know about this sooner. I could be done by now!

HOARDER BEHAVIOUR

Ever since I self diagnosed as a hoarder, I am looking more closely at my own behaviour. I am trying to find the hoarder traits. And I do. Certain phrases like:"it's still good", "someone could use this," "this is a great deal" are just a few that a hoarder uses to justify keeping or aquiring things.

Not only do I watch myself closely but I also watch the people around me. And I have spoted a few fellow hoarders or at least a few potential hoarders.

The scariest part about this for me is that I can easily classify their behaviour. I know they are justifying. It is obvious for me that keeping this certain object makes no sense. I can literally shake my head at those hoarders in my circle of friends and family. Than a few hours later, I blush. Catching myself doing what they did.