WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE TO YOU?

I am not sure if I told you about a certain bunch of women in my social circles. They have never been mean to me face to face. They always tell me how awesome I am. Most of them have been to my house for dinner or parties. At least half of them like to throw the "we have to get together and do something" at me on occasion.  And every time they do get together they "forget" to invite me. Our community is small and word would and does get around. My big issue was that they would discuss their parties in front of me without ever inviting me. One time they were sitting on my patio, eating my food. Talking about how much fun they had last time and how much they are looking forward to next time. 3 of them. With me there. RUDE!

It used to make me sad. I would cry and ask myself:"Why don't they like me?"

For a while I thought I was over it. But I think I only thought so cause I just never heard about their parties anymore. My friend Heather said they are not having them at the moment. Now one of them is moving away and they are going out to dinner. Heather asked me if I got a FB message from a certain someone. No indeed I did not. "Oh, never mind then." "Oh, do tell, I don't care," I said. Yes. Farewell dinner at a restaurant. With everyone BUT me it looks like.

Again.

I guess I do care.

The kids were in bed. I was weeding. For the first time I wasn't sad. This time I was angry. "What have I ever done to you," I asked. I kept pulling weeds. Then I wondered if I was asking the wrong questions. Maybe I should ask:"What have I ever done FOR you?"

"Nothing," I thought, "I have never done anything for you." I kept weeding. Then I thought:"I invited you for Thanksgiving dinner and you canceled the day before and left me without pies. Because you had so much homework. I gave you 2 dressers. I gave you kitchen ware and drinking glasses. Here we go again. Why on earth is everybody short on drinking glasses? I gave you a wardrobe and spent an evening putting it together for you, cause neither you, nor your husband knows how to handle power tools. I had you over for dinner and you were one of the 3 mentioned in the first paragraph."

Maybe I am still asking the wrong questions. Maybe the real questions are:"Why does this bother me so much? Why can't I let it go?"

I think I'll go and pull more weeds. That at least yields results!

SHORT NOTICE

I had 2 dressers I wanted to get rid of. They were in use, but I was dying to have them out of the house. They looked like the ones Jack and Jill got. Today I got a call. Somebody actually wanted them. Within 3 hours they were out of the house. Unfortunately the stuff that was in them is now in boxes and baskets. And I don't have a replacement for them yet. 3 hours is rather short notice to happily rearrange things in 2 rooms. At least for me. I can already see the spiral to desaster. 

Ok. Breath in, breath out. Maybe this is the push I need to finally reorganize those 2 corners that have been a mess the whole time anyway.  This just has to work out, I really don't need more chaos. 

THE TOWERS OF DOOM

Oh my. What did I get myself into? It stall started with a call from my sister. She was worried about my Grandmothers furniture. Mind you, my Grandmother has passed a way a few years ago. She lived in a really small apartment and there was no room for her furniture. She was always very proud of them and and took good care of them for decades.Coming from a family of people who keep just about anything it was hard to believe that my Dad was willing to just give them up. Especially as he had kept all her other furniture. Well. Guess what. My Dad preferred to throw out his Mom's sturdy wardrobes because he wanted to keep 2 wobbly ones that he built himself about 30 years ago and that I think will fall apart soon enough. Granted they are in the basement and rarely ever get opened but still. 

So my sister and I started plotting. I was going to tell my parents that I wanted them, but unfortunately wasn't able to pick them up right away. As they needed to be moved out of the apartment ASAP they should store them for me in the basement until I was able to pick them up. We figured once the furniture was there, it would be incorporated with the rest of the basement hoard and I could just leave it there for eternity. Yup. That's how hoarding works. Well guess what. My Dad, who always whines about how far it is to my house and who can't be convinced to show up here more than once a year, packed up my Grandma's bedroom furniture and was at my house less than 20 hours after finding out that I wanted it. 2 wardrobes, 2 nightstands and half a bed. Yes. Half a bed. It was one of those really old beds, that can work as 2 single beds. Somehow the second half "went missing". James and I really considered using it for ourselves, but I was not willing to mix and match again. As there was only one bed I wasn't willing to do it.

The bed and nightstands went into the attic, the wardrobes into the garage. Well. After blocking 40% of my garage for months lying on their side as they were to high to fit in standing, they almost had disappeared under stuff I had piled on top of them. James and I finally decided to put them into our new guest room in the basement once it was finished. This room was far from done. So as a physical reminder to keep working on it, and to have them out of his garage, James put them in the corner of the living room. Right were Jack & Jill's dressers had been parked. 

What am I to tell you. They are still there. Threatening as ever.

SUNDAY

Sunday is my day off. We all need and deserve a day off. After a week of not even getting minimum done because I was falling from one event to the next it can be hard to take it off anyway. But I am. Why? Because the house will still be a mess tomorrow. Even if I do things today. I just sat down to play my piano a little bit. As I am lousy it was not as relaxing as I hoped it would be. Another reason I might have played so poorly is that I wasn't focusing on playing the piano. My mind was drifting off to the things I need to get done next week. The appointments I have. The weight I want to lose.

I will now give myself a second chance. I will recap the things I DID GET DONE this week.

• got an appointment to have the dryer fixed
• got Jack & Jill their "new" dressers
• caught up with laundry
• made it to every single appointment on time
• did my 5 a day persistently
• did my surface of the day persistently
• had homemade pizza for the kid's movie night

Ah. I feel better already. Now I will sit down at the piano and simply enjoy playing!

SANTA CLAUS

Jack & Jill were among our guests over the weekend. I took advantage of that and dragged Jill up to the attic. Less embarrassing after telling her that I am a hoarder. I know it is usually the women who have the last say when it comes to furniture, so I figured no need to bother Jack if she doesn't like the dresser I had up there for her. (I know exactly where they need to go in her apartment!) 

She never hesitated for a second. She wanted them. And she was really excited. Just like last time she mentioned this is like Christmas. And I get to be Santa. HoHoHo! I love it. Jack got to haul the stuff down from the attic with James. At the moment the 2 dressers are parked in the living room as we need to take the back row of seats out of the car to fit them in. But just knowing that they will go out soon makes me happy!

Upside down and 2 drawers out. Those things are HEAVY!

Surface of the day: dresser top

5 a day: old medicine, bit's and piece of (broken) toys

MY ATTIC

A week ago, on my roller coaster day, when I experienced my first high, I felt strong enough tho face my nemesis, the attic. BLEAH. I went up there. Looked around. Took a few pictures. And then I simply got started. I cleared the easiest corner. Brought the empty suitcases back up. Stacked the suitcases nicely and while I was at it took down 3, 2 of them broken, one just old, that need to leave the house. While I was at it I picked up a few things here and there that I shoved into the trash bag I have sitting up there, hungrily awaiting trash.I do have a separate box for recycling because being the hoarder I am I couldn't just throw it all together.

This is the big pile you run into first thing when you

 come up the ladder. Jack and Jill' wardrobe is

 hiding under the mattress.

This is what you see when you turn your head

counterclockwise. Unfortunately there is a lot of

room behind the shelf to hide more stuff.

This is behind the shelf. My more organized section.

Mostly clothes.

This is the dump everything you wish 

was organized section. Also the part 

of the roof where we had the leak 

1,5 years ago. Unfortunately nothing

got damaged. Biggest problem was 

damp walls. Still struggling with that.

This is the view from the I wish this was organized-section.

You see Jill's new dresser. And yes. There is a second one

just like it beneath it.

Here is the last corner. Notice the mattress on the left?

That is the mattress from the first picture I showed you.

This is the last corner. The one with the 

least stuff in it. That is why I decided

to start there.

This is taken standing by the suitcases.

All this stuff is hidden behind boxes and 

the mattress on top of the wardrobe.

It was more of an assessment today then organizing. It included the anxiety attack I already told you about. The emotions I went through where suppressed anger and feelings of helplessness. I was angry at myself for allowing myself to be stuck with this situation and to not just simply move one.

But I feel strong enough to tackle it this time. And to not run away and hide and shut the trapdoor. Getting rid of the wardrobe and seeing the empty spot it left gave me a great feeling of accomplishment. At the moment I feel a certain urge to keep going, to do more, while at the same time I am scared to climb back up. I am worried that the next trip won't be as successful. 

Editors note: This draft has been written some time ago. I finally feel brave enough to POST the pictures of the attic. Funniest part about it. Jill says it doesn't look like a hoarder's attic. Silly girl! If this doesn't, than what does? I better hit "publish" before my courage fails me again!

Surface of the day:dresser in the hall

5 a day: 7 glass jars

JACK & JILL

Jack and Jill are a young married student couple who are doing a study abroad in my area. They both do well with the language and love it here. Being students, money is tight. But they don't care and simply make do with what they have. Weeks ago a few of us were chatting and Jill mentioned that her clothes are all stacked on the floor. I offered hangers. She said hangers would be cool but she didn't know how many she needed, as she would first need to have a rack to actually hang them up. For weeks I kept forgetting about asking her about it. Last week when I was up in the attic I "stumbled" across our old wardrobe and thought about Jill and the hangers. And then it hit me. I would dump the wardrobe on Jill! It took me a couple more hours to finally contact her. And wouldn't you know it. She wanted it. She had even started looking around on ebay to buy a used one.

Best part about her wanting it was that she was willing to take it the same night. I packed up the wardrobe and my husband's power tools. The 3 of us had a blast. Don't ask me how many times I had to call my husband for advice on how to go about this best. As the wardrobe had been taken apart and moved too many times to count, it wasn't in the best shape. We kept joking how much she was allowed to tell about the story. When the thing was finally up (we ended up bolting it together with a couple of extra screws) the official version of the evening that was allowed to go public was:"Katja is so cool! Katja knows how to use power tools!"

Jill kept thanking me for the wardrobe, I kept telling her I was in her debt for taking it. I finally came out of the closet, told her that I was a hoarder. That I had a hard time parting with things.That I was able to let go happily when someone else had use for it. Jack and Jill just smiled at each other and one of them (can't remember which) looked at the other and said:"Your Mom." With the other nodding in agreement. Before I knew what I was saying I blurted:"I will post about you on my hoarder blog, but NO I will not give you my blog address." Jill said she would google my name and "hoarder" and  "blog". I just laughed and asked her if she really thought I would use my real name. Well. Little does she know her name is Jill now! We'll see if she can find me! hahaha

DECLUTTER HIGH

2 days after my anxiety attack I grabed my camera, climbed into the attic, got the evil inserts out, took a picture and stuffed them in the trash.

I had to do it quickly and in one swift motion, but I did it. My hands were barely shaking and my main emotion was embarrassment. I felt embarrassed because I couldn't get rid of them on my first attempt. 

I went back up into the attic. I started picking stuff for recycling out of a box (like games the kids cut out from the backs of cereal boxes and stuff like it). I found more and more. I threw out 3 empty boxes, 2 small boxes full of recycling, 10 more items of clothing that my friend will take home to poor farming families in Poland and all of a sudden I came across our old wardrobe. Seeing that reminded me that I wanted to ask my friend Jill how many hangers she needed. But wait. Jill said she needed a simple rack first to even put the hangers somewhere. Well. Didn't I have the perfect solution! I would offer it to Jill! If you want to find out if she took it come back in a few days!