WHAT NOW?

After officially being diagnosed the big question is:"What will I do about it?" Well, for one I will stop letting depression jerk me around. Everybody says I am strong. Let's see it. I have been on a few walks lately. I have also told myself when I felt like crying that this wasn't me. It didn't always stop me from crying, but it helped me get over it faster and it also helped me to keep going. 

It is what it is, but it doesn't have to stay this way. I wonder if taking care of oneself is as easy a task as the others make it sound.

I am tired. I am so tired I am cross eyed. the baby was fussy, Luke threw up all over the place, and yes when the poor little soul drenched in vomit had to throw up again the moment I got him to the bathroom I let him sit there and ran for cover. 3 am is not a good time to be puke on. No time ever is. James has been feeling under the weather all week. I did most of the taxi rides for the kids, I went shopping today, I cooked today and prepped the slow cooker meal for tomorrow, I could go on and on with what last week did to wear me out but I will stop boring you to death and go to bed. Tomorrow is a new day.

STILL SICK

I am still sick. Maybe I am sick again. Who knows, It doesn't matter. Fact is that I have not been functioning properly the last 2,5 months. The only reason we haven't gone under yet is that James was home half of the time, hired help, a handful of true friends who have cooked meals and have shuttled kids across town and a few fool proof routines like my laundry system.

I long to be back to normal. I am supposed to be resting but that stupid antibiotic is making me feel a lot better than I am and it is hard to resist the urge to get cracking. I can't believe that I lived to say I want to be able to do household chores. That just feels wrong.

CALL ME PHOENIX

September has burnt me to a crisp. It brought a new (very neddy) baby, 2 nasty infections, one with a revolting round of antibiotics, barely escaped being admitted to the hospital, back to school and sleep deprivation. Fortunately James was home basically the whole month or I would not have survived.

I missed sweet Marie's first day of school and it broke my heart. She didn't mind much it seemed. I still want to cry thinking about it. I worked so hard towards it to have every thing ready and picture perfect. It was. Only I was missing in the picture.

James has cooked, cleaned, attend all the start of school meetings with teachers that I usually go to, made sure the kids got good slots for piano lessons and even tough he was home for a month it seemed I rarely saw him. He was out runnikg kids to and from appointments and made sure to shield me from the daily challenges of normal life, He took me to the doctor, and was available 24/7 when I was sick.

The last 4 weeks have been rough. Harder on me physically and mentally than I expected. And I expected things to be bad. Now exactly one month after my last post I would be lying if I said I was back to normal. I am not even back to functional. But at least I feel like I can one day be normal again.

I will rise like Phoenix from the ashes. Watch me.

CHEATING

James was gone, I was sick. I keep telling people getting outside help is not cheating. So I did. My friend's daughter came and helped me fro 3 days. She fed the kids, helped clean up, vacuumed, scrubbed bathrooms, floors and the kitchen and took the little one to the play ground. If it hadn't been for her I might not have stayed sane. I paid her train fare and she got compensation for her time. She insited it was too much, but I do't think so. Plus I want her to come back. Don't I.

So if you are considering outside help. Just do it. You might have to swallow your pride, like I had to, but it is well worth it!

JAMES IS BACK

Yes, I know. That went fast. No, he did not read my blog and catch a flight back. He was gone for the whole miserable 10.5 days. And  I was sick the whole time. Survival was on the very top of my list. But being a hoarder I couldn't just throw out a perfectly good post, just because I forgot to post it. I had to use it. So there. Live with it.  I can not tell you how happy I am to have him back, but I am planning on telling you about the things I learned while he was gone! 

JAMES IS GONE

He left this morning. Things went well until I realized that my "allergies" are more likely just a mean old head cold. I really don't know how single moms cope. I do have one day down, so I only have 9,5 to go. Somehow I will survive. 

Marie's comment on dinner?"I think I will NEVER EVER eat frozen pizza again. It was GROSS!" I'll just take it as a compliment, that my pizza is better. It's just a shame that I already had to resort to frozen pizza the first night. I should have listened to Louisa's advise and planned ahead. 

Alex stayed home from school, he has some random infection on the sole of one of his feet.
Doctor said he should stay off it. I decided that means he should stay home. As that was the easiest for me today, that's what we did.

I feel a little overwhelmed at the moment. It is a good thing James doesn't read this blog. Knowing him, he might get on a flight back. I can do this. I have done it before I can do it again. Really. I can.

NEW FOUND MOTIVATION

This week has not been going to my liking. Zero energy, zero motivation, zero hope. Yesterday I got an email from James about a family reunion he wants to attend. He has been bringing this up for months now and I have been telling him for months that he should go. The problem is that it is transatlantic, the kids will still be in school, and he doesn't want to leave me here by myself with the lot of them. So his first plan was to take as many as he could while I tried to convince him that it would all be some much easier and more fun for him if he did not have 3 jet lagged kids with him.

He really wants to go. His parents aren't getting any younger and I think deep down inside he fears it might be the last time he sees his father. It's not that I like being a single mom with 5 kids and I hate it when he is gone over night, but I love him too much to  have him miss out on this occasion because of his sense of duty. 

Today it hit me. The only way I can convince him to go is to prove to him that I am perfectly fine and that I can handle this. I know this can carry me through this phase. I'll do it for him. So he can go and enjoy some time with his family that he rarely ever sees. Of course I would prefer to go with him. It's just not possible this time. I have survived it before, I will survive it again. 

I love him enough to have cleaned the kitchen now. At 11 pm. With him sound asleep. On a day when I had to add #5 to the head lice count and shaved off another head of hair. On a day when I felt that I can't do this and it is all helpless. Yes. That's how much I love him!

THURSDAY ALREADY!

James took 2 days off of work and already made some serious progress on patio prep work. I made really good progress on the room of the week, the bedroom. At least until I realized that I have only about 10 days left until I go to my parents house. So, just 10 days to raid the attic for all those items of clothing that are too small for my children and should fit my friend's kids. I have no time for this. I really don't. On the other hand, it will have to be done eventually, I might as well get it done while she needs the stuff. I did have a box off stuff to go up, so I just called it a trade. 1 up, 1 down. well lets face it. More like 3 down as I found clothes that fit the baby. Today, once more it feels like it is one endless job, that I will never be able to finish. But it is Miracle Week. I refuse to be defeated. So before ending this day I started on the pile of clothes to mend. I mended 4 and got rid of 3 "unmendables". Small steps, but steps none the less!

MIRACLE WEEK

Last night I decided to make this week "catch up week". My resolve was to not pick a new room and to finally finish all the ones I have started. But there is something about waking up and being ready to face the day, no, the whole week before 6 am without an alarm. So forget "catch up week" and embrace "miracle week"!

It being miracle week I didn't want to miss out on starting on a new room. The bedroom it was!

By 6 am I was out of bed and ready to go.

By 7 am I had snacks for everyone, 1 child out of the house, the washer running,  4 loads of dirty laundry sorted and took last week's clean laundry off the drying rack. It was also folded and taken upstairs to be put away.

By 8 am I had changed sheets on one bed, had 4 more people out of the house, including Snow White with full stage make up. I had supervised piano practice, 10 min of reading and lunch was simmering on the stove.

By 10 am I felt like I wasn't getting as much done as I had hoped to.

By 3 pm I felt like I had wasted most of my day. 

By 4 pm I turned to comfort eating.

By 5 pm I dragged myself upstairs to keep working on my nightstand to proof to myself that I have the determination it takes to make "Miracle Week" happen. And then. Truly. A miracle. I found a "long forgotten" love letter from James. In it he not only told me how wonderful I am and how much he loves me, he also told me, that he knows that many of the things I do, go unseen. 

"Thank you for the many things you do, many of which seem to go unnoticed. I don't notice enough, but when I enter your world, I realize just how much you do."

My very personal miracle. The perfect words to keep me going. Written down more than 2.5 years ago. 

Miracle week indeed!

2 DAYS OFF

James took Tuesday and Wednesday off. I know exactly what you are thinking. "Great, she finally tackled that tiny bathroom." Well. Guess what. She did not. She had errands to run for 6 hours on Monday and was glad to be alive when it as over. James took all morning for his errands and Tuesday afternoon of course was Taxi Tuesday, with a twist this time as activities were rotated for this week. Wednesday she spent another 7 + hours on errands multitasking as she was translating (=making money) while killing almost 3 hours with tests at a doctors office. In the afternoon she found herself helping James finish a project she wasn't even aware off. Maybe you can relate that she was not up to much more than providing food for the critters after a day like that. So with Thursday being the first day without being all over the place for half of the day or longer it was spent catching up with normal things like laundry and collecting a myriad of things that are lying around. (We definitely have to work on putting things back after using them.)

I would say:"Tomorrow is another day," but it really isn't as we'll be gone most of it and I honestly don't see myself getting anything done. But hey. Who cares. There is still Saturday to finish the blasted bathroom. Or at least start it. :(

11 MAGIC MINUTES

I did it. I bumped up daily working time to 2 hours and 12 min. It being Monday, the extra time was definitely needed. I simply added 1 min to every 10 min block. I figured this way I won't even notice. I really didn't. It's not much but if I do it on all 6 days it will get me 1 hour and 12 min more every week. If that doesn't do it I will either have to add another block (of 11 min) or bump it up to 12. Or go all out and do 15 blocks of 10 min each. Woah! That sounds horrible!
 Although on the other hand. Today I got 16 11 min blocks taken care of, so I guess I can handle it. As I did so well today I figured with it being Taxi Tuesday again tomorrow (no morning appointment can you believe it?) I might want to get some work out of the way. 

James has been at the office a lot lately . They are finishing up a project, and the deadline is looming over them. Actually, the deadline is past but now they have a little more time to fix things. It's getting kind of old that he is gone 12 hours or more a day. 

I think I need to get back to the surface of the day project. And really make it a SURFACE, not count random rooms I cleaned up. I will go clear the dresser top in the living room. That will also help with getting the living room off the left over room list at last!

surface of the day: fridge

5 a day: various forms of expired medication

THE TOWERS OF DOOM

Oh my. What did I get myself into? It stall started with a call from my sister. She was worried about my Grandmothers furniture. Mind you, my Grandmother has passed a way a few years ago. She lived in a really small apartment and there was no room for her furniture. She was always very proud of them and and took good care of them for decades.Coming from a family of people who keep just about anything it was hard to believe that my Dad was willing to just give them up. Especially as he had kept all her other furniture. Well. Guess what. My Dad preferred to throw out his Mom's sturdy wardrobes because he wanted to keep 2 wobbly ones that he built himself about 30 years ago and that I think will fall apart soon enough. Granted they are in the basement and rarely ever get opened but still. 

So my sister and I started plotting. I was going to tell my parents that I wanted them, but unfortunately wasn't able to pick them up right away. As they needed to be moved out of the apartment ASAP they should store them for me in the basement until I was able to pick them up. We figured once the furniture was there, it would be incorporated with the rest of the basement hoard and I could just leave it there for eternity. Yup. That's how hoarding works. Well guess what. My Dad, who always whines about how far it is to my house and who can't be convinced to show up here more than once a year, packed up my Grandma's bedroom furniture and was at my house less than 20 hours after finding out that I wanted it. 2 wardrobes, 2 nightstands and half a bed. Yes. Half a bed. It was one of those really old beds, that can work as 2 single beds. Somehow the second half "went missing". James and I really considered using it for ourselves, but I was not willing to mix and match again. As there was only one bed I wasn't willing to do it.

The bed and nightstands went into the attic, the wardrobes into the garage. Well. After blocking 40% of my garage for months lying on their side as they were to high to fit in standing, they almost had disappeared under stuff I had piled on top of them. James and I finally decided to put them into our new guest room in the basement once it was finished. This room was far from done. So as a physical reminder to keep working on it, and to have them out of his garage, James put them in the corner of the living room. Right were Jack & Jill's dressers had been parked. 

What am I to tell you. They are still there. Threatening as ever.

CURSE YOU, TAXI TUESDAY!

I had an additional run today, as one of the kid's rides fell through. Unfortunately yesterday's errand couldn't be taken care of because I was missing  my husbands signature on an application.

Being the Taxi Tuesday pro I am, a squished passport pictures and turning in the application into the 45 min I had between drop off an pick up. And I only was 5 min late. We canceled Judo because Ella fell and hurt her head on the way home from school.

Being the saint I am, I picked up the kid who used to come with us the last few weeks even though my son's classes ended 2 weeks ago and having to kill 20 min between ballet and his pick up. I am just too nice. After dropping him off at home I had 2 wasted kids, asleep in the car, so I stopped and picked up a few things at the grocery store. Of course I forgot the most important thing. I will make it through this week somehow, but don't ask me how, today.

Did I mention that I dropped James off at work before ballet and picked him up again after the Judo II drop off? No. Well. I did. I know, I am a hero.

BECAUSE I LOVE HIM

At first glance, James and I don't have much in common. He is quiet, I am loud. I talk, he listens. He watches sports, I could care less. His focus is on keeping the kitchen and living room clean, I prefer starting with the bed room and bathroom. We do share at least one thing. A deep love for each other.

After a good start in the morning and an appointment at 10 am (you know how I feel about those on a Monday), things started getting slow and my motivation took a nap somewhere in a corner.

By 4 pm I had enough and wanted to give up. I forced myself to clear a few things off the kitchen table. Than a thought struck me. "If I finish cleaning off the table, James would be so happy." I decided to do it for him. Because I love him and because I like to see him happy. Obviously I only love him  enough for half of the kitchen....No. I love him enough for the whole kitchen, I simply ran out of time and had to go to yet another appointment on a Monday.

Love is a miracle drug. It even makes me clean a kitchen! I think I will let this be my motivation more often!

Surface of the day: counter top

5 a day: about 30 magazines and around 20 recipes

LESSONS TO BE LEARNT

To be frank, right now I don't care about the lessons to be learnt from yesterday's ruined surprise. I just want to melt away into a puddle of tears. I did my share of crying yesterday already I thought, but obviously one can always cry a little more. 

It is impossible to surprise James. Unless you want to count books and a woolen scarf and hat, that he needed anyway. He knows exactly what he wants and I used to make him write it down for me so I can get it. I got to a point were I said, just buy it yourself and I will wrap it. I should really take it a step further and do what my friend does. Her husband keeps the present "she" gets "for him" a secret. So she is the one who is surprised when he opens it. Well. James has been looking into cameras for the last months and I was already dreaming about getting him one for Christmas, but I knew it wouldn't work. So I shot for his birthday.

I don't care if James says I didn't ruin the surprise for him. For 5 months I have been tucking money away (we have a shared bank account and anything I would purchase paying with a credit or debit card would show up right away, withdrawing big sums of money would have given it away, too). 

For 5 months I "cooked the books" to hide my "crime". Embezzlement in it's purest form. The boys were in on it, promising to help me out if I didn't come up with enough money. I did. I made it to the store without him noticing, I brought the present into the house right under his very nose without him seeing it. I wrapped it behind closed doors while he was working on our new room in the basement. I took the present to the kitchen and put it on a chair, hiding it under the dinner table for crying out loud!

I did everything right. For 5 months. And then I ruined it. 5 min before our family party was about to start. I took the wrapped present out of it's hiding spot. I still had the plastic bag from the electronics store with the recite and the extended warranty.  I put it on the bed. A little voice in the back of my head chirped:"Put it back in the hiding spot!" I told the little voice that James was downstairs, that we were safe, that the paperwork was oh so important and that I didn't want to lose it and what if I forgot I put it in there? I though about tucking it into his nightstand. The little voice said that I was being ridiculous and that putting it back would be the smart thing to do and that James would definitely look into a bag of the electronics store if he saw it lying around. I told the little voice the bag looked empty and that we really want the bag out so we know where the paper work is. Instead  of taking literally 2 seconds to put the bag away I spent 30 sec debating it. With myself. I am not even sure what I did, but I think I kind of pulled the blankets halfway over it. 

As I was trying to get the dinner table set and his big present out (the one he bought for himself because I did a good job telling him that I was thinking of surprising him with a new book) the girls got all excited yelling:"Can we hide the presents?" (That's a tradition the kids started years ago. It's like an Easter egg hunt but with birthday presents and obviously extends the thrill.) I was not happy with it, but they ran off and I got sidetracked and I finally wondered where James and the girls went. I heard them say hot/cold upstairs and realized they were looking for the presents. (Cold means you are far away, hot you are really close). I went upstairs to take a picture, smiled at James and said:"Did you find them all?" He smiled back:"I found something else." And I said (most likely with my voice slightly shriller than usual):"And you looked into it!?" He said:"Of course I did." That's when I started sobbing. I lost it. I really lost it. I cried and cried and cried. 5 months of secrecy for the pleasure of a 3 second surprised look on his face and  I RUINED IT. 5 min before it happened. I still am not willing to forgive myself this kind of stupidity. 

There are lessons to be learnt from this. I know. But not today. Maybe tomorrow.

BONUS DAY - LETS WRAP THINGS UP

8:53 am

Why on earth would I make a Monday my bonus day? It started out as a true Monday, we now officially have 2 more kids the eye infection was passed on to. The first 2 seem to be over it. So besides treatment in the morning, one in tears because she wasn't allowed to go to school and one out to an appointment at 8 am in the big city, the morning was hectic enough to first let me forget about packing lunches, and then running with one to still catch the bus, which of course was 2 mins early today, but we made it. It is not even 9 am and I have had it. I think I will stick with my original plan of doing a regular 10 magic minutes day, and all the leftover minutes will go into the living room as that is more important then the playroom. I already put 40 min of work in, remember it is not even 9 am and maybe just maybe there is hope for me.

10:55 am

2 h later I have spent quite some time on the phone with a friend who had a bad start into the week, too. I forgot to time myself, but the parts I did add up to 40 min. I know I did more, but this way I have officially worked for 8 10 min blocks. As I want to get 24 10 min blocks in today I have a third taken care of. Ah well. Let'S just keep going. 

4:34 pm

Bonus day?What bonus day. I don't care seriously. I had a good time chatting on the phone with a friend, I am nervous about my son getting accepted into a program for gifted children and I have to wait until Friday before  I get the results. I am nervous, I can't concentrate, I've worked hard today. WHO CARES if today was bonus day. So far all the work put in was maintenance. The day isn't over yet.

Way to late:

A few first world problems (after 5 months of secrecy and plotting James stumbled over the recite for his birthday present 2 min before he was supposed to unwrap it) occupied me and I just simply gave up. Sorry for disappointing you

Surface of the day: forgot about it:

7 a day: a bed, a bookshelf, 8 DvD's

CAKE THERAPY

Cooking and baking seems to have a calming effect on me. At least when things work out. I think it is the process of creating something and the finishing of a task with pleasant results that creates the soothing effect for me. 

So Friday a week ago, when I was feeling low and overwhelmed by my mess I decided that making an even bigger mess wouldn't make that much of a difference. I wanted to wash out the fridge. Only took me 7 attempts I think until I finally finished it. Came across a few ingredients and decided to "get rid of them".

So cake time it was. To make sure the therapy was in creating and not in eating cake, I made cheesecake which James loves and I couldn't care less about. I even put cherries in for my chéri. 

Very pleased with myself I must admit!

What I liked best, was that James came upstairs (I had retired early because the emotions of the day had worn me out quite a bit) and he asked me if he was allowed to have a piece of it before he went to bed. Why, of course! It was his in the first place! I love the fact that he can't resist my creations!

Because cake therapy went so well, I decided to try cookie therapy on Saturday. But that is an entire different story!