LESSONS TO BE LEARNT

To be frank, right now I don't care about the lessons to be learnt from yesterday's ruined surprise. I just want to melt away into a puddle of tears. I did my share of crying yesterday already I thought, but obviously one can always cry a little more. 

It is impossible to surprise James. Unless you want to count books and a woolen scarf and hat, that he needed anyway. He knows exactly what he wants and I used to make him write it down for me so I can get it. I got to a point were I said, just buy it yourself and I will wrap it. I should really take it a step further and do what my friend does. Her husband keeps the present "she" gets "for him" a secret. So she is the one who is surprised when he opens it. Well. James has been looking into cameras for the last months and I was already dreaming about getting him one for Christmas, but I knew it wouldn't work. So I shot for his birthday.

I don't care if James says I didn't ruin the surprise for him. For 5 months I have been tucking money away (we have a shared bank account and anything I would purchase paying with a credit or debit card would show up right away, withdrawing big sums of money would have given it away, too). 

For 5 months I "cooked the books" to hide my "crime". Embezzlement in it's purest form. The boys were in on it, promising to help me out if I didn't come up with enough money. I did. I made it to the store without him noticing, I brought the present into the house right under his very nose without him seeing it. I wrapped it behind closed doors while he was working on our new room in the basement. I took the present to the kitchen and put it on a chair, hiding it under the dinner table for crying out loud!

I did everything right. For 5 months. And then I ruined it. 5 min before our family party was about to start. I took the wrapped present out of it's hiding spot. I still had the plastic bag from the electronics store with the recite and the extended warranty.  I put it on the bed. A little voice in the back of my head chirped:"Put it back in the hiding spot!" I told the little voice that James was downstairs, that we were safe, that the paperwork was oh so important and that I didn't want to lose it and what if I forgot I put it in there? I though about tucking it into his nightstand. The little voice said that I was being ridiculous and that putting it back would be the smart thing to do and that James would definitely look into a bag of the electronics store if he saw it lying around. I told the little voice the bag looked empty and that we really want the bag out so we know where the paper work is. Instead  of taking literally 2 seconds to put the bag away I spent 30 sec debating it. With myself. I am not even sure what I did, but I think I kind of pulled the blankets halfway over it. 

As I was trying to get the dinner table set and his big present out (the one he bought for himself because I did a good job telling him that I was thinking of surprising him with a new book) the girls got all excited yelling:"Can we hide the presents?" (That's a tradition the kids started years ago. It's like an Easter egg hunt but with birthday presents and obviously extends the thrill.) I was not happy with it, but they ran off and I got sidetracked and I finally wondered where James and the girls went. I heard them say hot/cold upstairs and realized they were looking for the presents. (Cold means you are far away, hot you are really close). I went upstairs to take a picture, smiled at James and said:"Did you find them all?" He smiled back:"I found something else." And I said (most likely with my voice slightly shriller than usual):"And you looked into it!?" He said:"Of course I did." That's when I started sobbing. I lost it. I really lost it. I cried and cried and cried. 5 months of secrecy for the pleasure of a 3 second surprised look on his face and  I RUINED IT. 5 min before it happened. I still am not willing to forgive myself this kind of stupidity. 

There are lessons to be learnt from this. I know. But not today. Maybe tomorrow.