PERMISSION FOR PERFECTION

I know that perfection is an illusion. At least in this life. There might be tiny aspects of our life that are perfect for us. Yet there is so much lacking for over all perfection. I am not sure where that never ending dying need for perfection comes from. I wish I could just shed it, but that wi 

WAIT! BUT? No, I don't want to get rid of my desire for perfectionism. I just wish I could do things perfectly without being slowed down by that need for perfectionism. 

Lately I have given myself permission to give in to that desire. Why? Well, because this way I at least got started on the kitchen which is more than just necessary after the moth infestation. (I hate you organic products!) It seems that I kicked the moths even without the thorough clean everyone claims is a must.

Where was I. Yes. Permission for perfection. It calms me to get things "perfect". IT has a therapeutic effect on me. I just might be able to use that in the future.

Today I don't need perfection. Today I just want to get things done. Lets do them!

TODAY WAS BETTER

It does help to not have anything to take care of outside of the house except school drop off and pick up to get a few things done, I did 90 min of chores today. I was shooting for the full 2 hours, but surrendered after dinner. I considered ironing, but no. I did enough. It's all good. At least it was today.

TAXI TUESDAY WITH A TWIST

For years Tuesday has been my day with the million errands and extra curricular activities. Today I added a fun twist. A sick toddler. I meant to leave him home with his older brother but he was very eager to come with me. He looked miserable, was burning up and overall not doing all that great.

Well, we dropped off the girls and just before I wanted to swing by an office to make an appointment I heard the happy gurgling sound of puke escaping a little body. Not too surprising as he already puked a few days ago and is stricken with  diarrhea. Still. Not fun. But such a trooper. "Are you okay," I asked. "Yes mommy," his sweet reply. 

Hw puked 2 more times in the car and 1 more time at home (yes, of course, all over me) and then I put him down to sleep and ran too pick up the girls. 

Oh well. So now I have more laundry and no groceries. We'll see what tomorrow will bring!

TODAY IS WORSE

I know it comes and goes in waves. I am crying, my hands are shaking, I am not even sure why. I know the wave will ebb back out again, but that is little consolation when it crashes over your head, pulls you under and threatens to suffocate you.

CRYING

Once again, I am crying. I am not even sure why. Just everything adding up I guess. Stupid cold, a puking child, Christmas around the corner. I need to stop. I need to stop and think. Decide what's important in my life. It can't be that it is a constant struggle. I don't want to live like this. I want to learn to drop the stuff that is unimportant and focus on the real stuff. 

CANCELATIONS

In the last 4 weeks 2 doctors, 1 therapist and 1 friend canceled appointments with me. 3 of them were in the last 6 days. This could be frustrating, but every single time a wave of relief washed over me.
My life is so full I am surviving from one day to the next. I know none of these appointments is taken care of and they will just pop up again some other time, but for the moment that slot is free. 

Today it also saved me from having to let me friend into a completely trashed house. I think she would have been able to handle it, she has seen parts of chaos here before, it is just nicer to not have to risk it. 

So with the time I was given this morning I will finish my translation, write the minutes for the last school board meeting and do some more laundry. How is it there is always more laundry?

HEARTBROKEN

My soul is numb, my heart is shattered. Our niece passed away after a brief stay in PICU.  She was only 13 years old and the sunshine in her parent's life.

She leaves behind heart broken parents and siblings.

May they find peace in their faith in God.

If you are a praying person. Please pray that they may feel peace and comfort in this, their darkest hour. 

UTTER MADNESS

Now we really got started. The workers are here and they have every intention of putting a huge hole into my ceiling. I am having a hard time processing the fact that we really got started. Yesterday was mostly prep work so we were able to sleep in our own beds. Tonight might find me at my sisters house. We will see. Our after school activity won't be homework today. We will be killing some time at the zoo and hope that they get done today so we can return home! Keep your fingers crossed for me!

WE STARTED!

We officially started remodeling today. It was just a little step in preparation for Thursday, but now there is no stopping it anymore. We finally got started. We have 2 more days to clean out the attic completely, but James thinks it won't be a big deal.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

Monday found me looking for the Halloween stuff. I did not find it. So today I looked around some more. Still nothing. Hard to believe that with everything out of the attic and in 2 rooms in the basement and 1 upstairs it was still not to be found. I was sure that I had put it somewhere accessible as I knew I would need it again soon.

I did come across other stuff, like clothes and books that I dealt with. Sorted out some clothes, sold some books, missed the promo to make 25% more on them by a few hours. Oh well. Spilt milk. 

When I finally gave up I found the pumpkin carving sets that I was looking for sitting on a shelf behind the boxes. I never found the book with the stencils that I was looking for, but the 2 sets had some with them, too.

I might not have accomplished what I set out to do, but instead of making a major mess I dealt with things I came across. Stuff went out the door, wait no, was labeled to get out the door, so I would consider it progress! 

NON STOP

I feel like I have been running around like crazy for the last 4 weeks. Always something. Additional appointments by the dozen. So far I have succeeded. Therapy seems to be doing wonders. Sometimes I go for hours at full speed and I can handle it and I might be tired but I don't feel despair. I have days where I feel like my normal self again. I see that I am able to handle it all.

I really enjoy therapy. Don't get me wrong it is not a fun hour of being spoiled and told how awesome I am. It is hard work. I usually park the car 10 min away and walk for 10 min before and after as that helps me unwind. This week I was late so I had to park right there to make it on time. When I got back into the car I was exhausted. My hands started shaking and I had to take a minute to compose myself. Often I cry on the way home. Just to relief all the tension. It is hard work. Fortunately it pays a nie dividend.

MO-THU IN 16 HOURS

For some reason last Wednesday felt like a Monday. I even told Luke he can take a toy to school. It was hard to explain to him, that Mom messed up and that it was Wednesday not Monday which is the official bring a toy to school day.

Now the funny thing is, by 8 pm I thought it was Thursday night. That day was so full it felt like I used up the energy of one whole week. 

STUBBORN

My husband seems to be okay. Might just be battling a bad migraine. He came back from the hospital at 5:30 am and has slept a lot since.
This little adventure has seriously effected my sleep and I feel hung over. I feel small and useless and incapable again. Today I will use a personally trait that is usually not considered good. I can be extremely stubborn. Today I will carry on regardless. I will carry on and prove to myself that I am all the things I felt I can be on Saturday. 

BURDENS

I will not allow you to be my burden. Not anymore. For so many years I have carried the load, that others put on me, around with me. I am done.

I will not worry if they like me or not. I will be kind. For the sake of being kind. Because I feel better when I am kind. 
I will not worry if they think my house is clean enough. I take care of my family. The best way I can.
I will not even worry about all the things that usually worry me right now.

As I was writing this I got a phone call. James got injured playing basketball. No one is sure what really happend, I was told he must have smacked his and kept playing. 2 min before the game was up he collapsed and started puking. I feel for him and would like to be with him, hold his hand and tell him things will be okay. Yet I am not worried. A little part of me also wants to smack him for being stupid. That is so him. Ignoring his pain and playing as if his life depended on it. 

I am filled with peace and I know things will be alright. He is in good hands. His friends called an ambulance and stayed with him. They offered to come pick me up as I am without a car, one offered to bring his wife to babysit. It is past 10 pm. There is nothing I can do for him. He is in good hands. The only thing I can do for him is stay with his kids and keep them save.

If this had happened yesterday I would have been a sobbing mess with visions of his funeral and myself as a widow with 6 children. 

Today I am filled with peace. God loves me. Good loves James. Everything will be alright. 

CHAOS

I seem to live in a constant state of mental and physical chaos. As I watched my little world fall apart around me over the last 2 weeks I was distressed about the fact that I can only deal with one aspect of my life at any given time. At the moment I am swamped with work and everything else just kind of didn't happen. My new nutrition style went down the drain after keeping it up for 3 months and I was rather frustrated.

It took a while for me to realize that at least I am keeping on top of 1 aspect of my life currently. That is definitely more than I was able to do in March of this year.

It also seems to not matter which aspect I focus on, everything als just kind of doesn't happen anymore once I focus on one area.

Will I just need more time and be able to balance more and more?

Do I have to do less, to have more energy for the important things?

Do I need more fun activities in my life to deal with the boring ones?

I really don't know. At the moment I will just be happy that I can balance one aspect of my life. It looks like the flood of worked has ebbed out. I will finish the last details and then just pick an aspect of my life that I want under control (household chores, laundry comes to mind) and start working on that. I can do this. One day at a time.

I CHEATED

Last weekend when cleaning up, I cheated. I let some stuff that I wasn't willing to decide on disappear in a drawer. It was shortly before midnight and we expected a cherished friend the next day. Long story short, our friend was tangled up in logistics issues and never made it. 

The stashed objects are still in that drawer, hoping to be forgotten. 

PROCRASTINATION

The topic of procrastination came up the other day on the hoarder board. If I wasn't the Queen of Chaos, I would call myself the Queen of Procrastination. Procrastination is a serious issue in my life. I watched a video by Tim Pychyl and learned a whole lot. Why we procrastinate, why we shouldn't and how to keep ourselves from procrastinating. As I was pondering the things I learned, I wondered about my current level of procrastination and realized that asides from breathing I more or less procrastinated EVERYTHING else. Even eating. I would make sure to be so hungry, that I would not have to cook and just shove something in just to procrastinate cooking healthy.

So needless to say, things have to change. What helped me most to be motivated once again to stop procrastinating was Tim Pychyl saying that we hurt "future self" by putting things off. I have hurt myself enough. I am done.

I think there will be quite a few more posts on this topic. Brace yourself!

MY THERAPIST

Yup. I have my very own therapist. I guess I do share him with quite a number of other people. But I have a therapist. It only took me a year to finally get one. Once I found him things happened quickly. I contacted at least 20 offices with little to no success. His was one of the first I called. Of course none of them ever answers a phone so you leave a message. He did called me back  3 days later, we talked and he said that he had a cancellation on Friday and if I wanted to I could come for a "get to know each other" session. He told me that his waiting list is worth about 3 months but if I have time in the mornings I might wait less.

Long story short, I went, felt good there, and before I knew it I was attending weekly sessions even without having to wait. I have been going to therapy now for about 8 weeks and let me tell you. I feel great. 

My therapist helps me to see the root of problem and helps me find the part of me I need to solve it or to make it less of a problem.

Today he told me that he was very impressed and very happy with how much creativity I use the tools he gave me. He even asked if I will start a career as a therapist myself! He said I have many great ideas and he is very happy with how well I am doing. We have decided to have bigger intervals between sessions.

The other day my husband asked me why I was smiling. Side effects from therapy I'm afraid! 

CONFUSED

I am not sure how to describe how I feel at the moment. On the one hand I am exhausted. On the other hand I know I have the strength it takes to pull this off. And with "this" I mean everything. EVERYTHING! School, therapies, weight loss, the attic, renovating 3 rooms, adding 2 more and a bathroom. Not to forget piano and other music classes, ballett and I don't know what else. Oh. Work. Yes. I can deal with work, too.

I feel like nothing I do matter, but I see that as long as I stick with my "senseless" endeavors things change. Slowly ever so slowly, but they do. Sometimes only for a moment but I hope that eventually they will change for the better for ever. 

I am happy and sad, determined and hopeless. I am drained and full of energy. 

I think I need more sleep...

THE ATTIC BATTLE

My knight in shining armor has hacked away at the armies of my arch nemesis the attic. He has re-stacked, sorted, thrown out and organized. He has managed to organize the attic so that only about a third of the floor space is still covered. It feels so much more manageable. Today we got 2 more big furniture items out and off to a new home and I tossed a few things in passing. MY main question for myself was:"Why do I still have this?" It felt great to just let got!

1 MILLION PROJECTS

Summer is here and with it 500.000 projects. The attic plans are moving along bringing another 500.000 projects with them. 

It is hard for me to stay focused.
It is hard for me to finish projects.
It is hard for me to start projects.
It is hard for me to know what is important.

I feel like I am behind on everything. I feel like I am simply not the right person for this. Unfortunately I am the person in charge.

I wish I could say I am giving my best. It feels like I am only giving the bare minimum. The rest ist spent sitting and staring. 

I will go plant the tomatoes now. It might just be one tiny project, but it is one project less on my endless project list. 

BUT I HAVE MORE

My sister once told me that in a sentence that is split by a "BUT", according to research the part before the but is usually a lie. Like:"I am sorry we are late, but we missed the bus."Actually I am not sorry at all it was not important enough for me to leave on time. At first I didn't believe her. I felt the "BUT" had every right to be there. I started watching myself and realized that most of the time the part in front of the "BUT" usually was either just a polite phrase, or something to cushion the blow that was to follow:"I love her dearly BUT she can be a royal pain in the rear!"

I also used to say:"I want to donate these clothe, BUT I have more." I claimed that I couldn't donate anything unless I got it all there in one place to be donated. Tomorrow is another curb pick up for clothes and shoes. I know I have one more pair of shoes I want to donate. Unfortunately I am not sure where the second one is and I am too tired to search for it. Yes, I am sure I have more clothes to donate. This is all I have selected so far and the tiny bag with about 10 items will have to do for today.

I am glad there is no more "BUT". It never got me anywhere.

THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME

I found out what is wrong with me thanks to my fantastic friend Suzu. I know her from the hoarder board and we have so much in common. Our circumstances are as different as could be but our reasons why we keep seem so much alike. And even when our reasoning behind doing something is completely different we get very similar results. It is so refreshing to have some one who not only gets it, but who gets my personal corner of this huge room that is hoarding.

Unfortunately Suzu is to far away to hang out and do things together, so we skype. We try to skype once a week and to this skype sessions we bring things we want to discard. We tell each other why it is hard to throw them out or our reasons for keeping them. We ask each other questions and watch each other discard things. Last session I thought I had nothing to toss. Those sessions have a funny effect on my. When I see something that would be good for the session cause I just can't do this on my own but I think I really should let it go, the second I decide I will bring it to the session, all of a sudden I can let it go.
So last session I said I have nothing. It was the night of the report incident. I told Suzu what had happened. She asked me a few questions. One was like"What do the stand for?" We kept talking. And all of a sudden it hit me. It wasn't about the reports per se. It was about what I used to be. A bright young woman getting an education and excelling at it. A girl who jokingly predicted her future job. A job that shaped me in many ways and which gave me the opportunity to met a set of very unique people , who all were there very own version of wonderful.
We talked about that and once I realized what they represent I know why it was so hard to let go.I also knew that those people still are my friends and that the memories are there and that's when I was able to let go. Yes. Lots of tears, but not over the reports but over all those emotions hidden inside.
I dropped the reports into the recycling bin right there for Suzu to see. And wouldn't you know it. At the end of our conversation she asked me about them again and I had forgotten I tossed them if it hadn't been for her reminder.

Tossing them in the morning cause I felt I needed to do that had brought confusion, feeling stupid and broken and a flood of tears And of course a fresh wave of feeling depressed.
Just 8 hours later letting them go was fine and I felt like I knew myself a little better!

Thanks Suzu!

10.000

10.000 views of this page. I wonder how many of them actually wanted to be here and didn't just end up here by clicking "next blog". Does it matter? No. It doesn't. Blogging helps me clear my head. It helps me sort my worries.

SO. 10.000 hits and I am still a hoarder. Things have improved quite a bit, and yet I still have quite a way to go. Root for me.

AGITATED

The incident with my reports left me agitated for the rest of the day. I was not able to focus on my task. I told James I would clean up the downstairs. It didn't help that James was home an hour early then I expected, but lets face it. It was about feeling insecure and agitated. I made dinner and used the last laurel leafs that came in a plastic container that all of a sudden look like it would be perfect for pencils in my little drawer downstairs. I told myself that is was okay to keep it as I would be tossing the lid but as I looked at the lid I thought:"What if I kept this. The kids could not mess up my pencils when they go through my drawer." Guess what. The kids hardly ever open this drawer. No need to keep the lid. By this time I realized that I was too stressed to throw ANYTHING out at the moment and that the reports were to blame. So I threw the plastic container on the counter top hoping James would get rid of it.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

The abominable pile next to my back is back and it is bigger than ever. One reason being that things have been brought down from the attic, things were picked out of boxes and the boxes eventually ended up next to my bed. Today for the umpteenth time I decided to work on it. I came across a stack of records from way back when I got my education. I had to do lots of internships that were accompanied with lots of reports about those internships. I briefly considered scaning them before I tossed them but decided that would be too much work. I took a quick glance at each of them and decided they can go. One I looked into the second to last one I stumbled across an innocent cheeky line in which I jokingly mentioned that I just might end up in this field of work that I never considered before thanks to this internship. Not only did I end up going that direction, I even returned to work with the same people that guided me through my internship.

All of a sudden I couldn't throw it away anymore. And not only that report but all of them. I picked them out of the waste basket and started  bawling. Seriously. What on earth is wrong with me? 

HAUNTED BY SINGLE SOCKS

Last  night I dreamt that I met up with a child hood friend. I haven't seen him in years. He brought with him some kind of scrap book, with memories written down and the occasional picture. In between the pages where singles socks. sometimes up to 10 per page. Don't ask me how that worked with the extra bulk, but it worked out just fine in my dream. And wouldn't you know it. The single socks between the pages looked exactly like the single socks from my basket. I remember thinking:"No wonder I can't match these up ever if he had them all the time." The dram continued with him reminding me that we split up pairs of socks as a symbol of our friendship and our being connected. Looks like that didn't work out to well.

The real question now is. Where on earth are all those companions for my single socks and does it make sense to continue like this?

SINGLE SOCK FIASCO

I think I posted about my issue with single socks before. I know socks are only useful in pairs. Unfortunately as long as I can't be 100% sure the sock is really truly single I can't throw it out. With all the unearthing of random items in the attic I came across a lot of single socks. I made the mistake of throwing all single socks into one laundry basket. I got rather frustrated trying to to sort them. So far I have sorted them into 5 categories. Dark, red-pink, white, grey, light blue. The dark section was about 2 thirds of the basket. Today I decided to sort them into sub categories. As I was doing that I thought:"Nobody should be wasting that much time on sorting socks." As you can tell, I do have lucid moments. Unfortunately just a few minutes later I had 6 pairs of socks that I matched up just by splitting it up into subcategories. Not even looking. My lucid moment ended rather fast. 

SICK OF BEING SICK

I am sick of it. Since Christmas someone has been sick it seems. Usually the little one. Runny nose, temperature, nasty temper. The week before Easter I was in bed myself for 5 days. Feeling miserable, not even able to deal with basics. My clean up plans went down the drain and now I am still feeling week, my head is still kind of stuff, the baby is SICK and I am sick of it. James is gone until Friday. I am sick of the endless battle against chaos and I am sick of feeling that this place is never clean. I have decided to try cleaning therapy today. I will clean until I puke or feel better. At the moment I think  puking will put and end to it, but you never know. If I feel like I am getting somewhere I might just end up feeling better.

I HUGGED 6 PEOPLE

A few weeks ago I hugged 6 people in a period of 24 hours. Yes. That is noteworthy. I am not a hugger. Not at all. I despise people pretending to show affection by giving me fake hugs. Fake hugs seem to be all you get theses days. I have enough issues with people wanting to hug me for real, but fake is THE WORST!

So I  more then surprised myself this weekend when I not only allowed 3 people to hug me but initiated a hug with the other 3. I wasn't sure what to make of it. I decide to take it as sign of feeling better. Of being able to reach out again and to allow people back into my private space.

THEIR LAST SWIM

Today I bragged about throwing away an unlit candle on my hoarder forum. I joked that the world was coming to an end, that I felt brave and asked what I should throw out next. A wise soul on there asked me:

"What else do you have knocking about that has never been used but sits there making you feel guilty?"

That really got me thinking. I  must admit that almost EVERYTHING that is a part of my hoard makes me feel guilty. That made me nervous. I would have to find something. FAST. James brought more boxes down from the attic. I looked into the first box and I found these beauties:

What are they? Well. Sea horses. Can't you tell? Plastic ones. The kind you stick into your bathtub so you won't slip. I purchased them more than a decade ago as a safety measure for the kids. They didn't work for us. The kids liked sticking them to the side of the tub, but they didn't prevent a single slip. They have survived every single purge I did over the last 12 years. Not this one!

NEXT WEEK

I wrote the headline last week, and never got around to writing the post. I finally remembered what I wanted to write.

I wanted to tell you all (if you are out there) that I was going to get my 2 hours a day in this week. Guess what. I haven't. I cheated like mad and I am still 30 min short. 25 to be exact. I still have 1.5 hours before my time is up, but I really need to sleep. I am tired. 

I could see it as therapy. Letting go. Cutting myself some slack, Being happy with what I DID achieve. I tried that once. Didn't work. I might just have to cheat some more...

FARE WELL TIGER CUB

May you never be separated from you Mommy again. Save travels Jonah! May you make it to Niniveh safely. Good by little Mouse! May your world stay fun and full of colors. 

The little one has managed to destroy 3 flip the flap books in less then a day. And when I say destroyed I mean destroyed. Each flap is torn off and with it usually half of the page. I was especially sad about the first one. The one in which the tiger cub is looking for his Mommy. He did some prep-work the days before and I found flaps in the recycling trash that his "I-will-toss-anything-that-crosses-my-path"-brother already put there that I saved. When I found more flaps I said to JAmes:"I guess I should just toss the book." He agreed but I didn't do anything. I saw the book in the trash the next morning. I was crying out to me all week until I took it to the outside bin the night before pick up. I was this close to taking it out to at least take a farewell picture. 

Tiger Cub, Jonah and the little Color Mouse are gone. Sigh. I wish this wouldn't bother me so much. At least I let them go. That's a lot more than I would have been able to do just a year ago!

HEADACHE

Life is giving me a headache at the moment. So  much to do. So little desire to do it. No confidence in being able to do it. Life is a string of redundancies and the only things that pop up in between are just additional things that require my time and attention.

Once  again I am stuck. I really need to find that therapist....

ISSUES - SERIOUS ISSUES

2 days ago I bought 4 shower towels. 2 solid magenta, 2 magenta with stripes in a pinkish color. I washed them, dried them and one was frayed when I got it out of the dryer. so today I went back to return it. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! They only had solid ones left. As it was a special the only way to get another striped one would have been trying a different store. So there was my dilemma. Stick with 2 solids and 1 striped and deal with the fact that I only have 3 towels instead of 4 or go for 3 solids and 1 striped so at least the number of towels in the cupboard is correct.

ISSUES! Can you smell them? Seriously. what does it matter if the number of the towels is four or if there are as many solid as stripped ones. It doesn't matter AT ALL. I decided to settle for correct number. Having only 3 was NOT an option! 

FIRE FIGHTER

I am done being a fire fighter. It seems it is all I ever do. I had a bad week last week. I just let things go. Not terribly, in theory I am only 4 hours and 50 min behind, but we know that is not legal so I am just fine. 

I am just done with the fires. It seems I only ever get to do things that somehow made it to the top of the list be being labeled:"Most urgent"

It is simply too exhausting.

I still don't know how to change it. I think the problem is how I do things. I just take too much time and never get anywhere. I am trying so hard, working so hard and still, I don't really see results. 

I want results NOW! I don't want to work for a year to see things happening. I guess I will have to. 

MORE CHOCOLATE

Today is one of the days when my brain wants me to beleive that eating chocolate will fix my problems. I tried. It didn't work. My brain insists it will if only I ate more. I am having a total #loser day. I feel like I am a total failure. I can't do anything right and nothing that I do will ever pay off. Except for eating chocolate. That will make me fell better. I won't fall for it this time. I will just fold some laundry and cry a little more. 

I CAN'T HELP IT

OF course this Monday found me eager to do my 2 hours and to catch up from last week and of course go the extra mile and work 4 hours extra. What is wrong with me? Why can't I let it go? I never even made it through the first 2 hours. Why am I once again setting myself up for failure?

DEFINE FAILURE

In the car, coming from a family event, I told my husband that this is the first week of failure. I had 5 hours left of the day, family staying over and about 4 hours of work to do to get my 2/day in.

Why did I fail? It felt like this really should have been the easiest weeks of all. I guess it could have been. If only I had worked. But I didn't.

I felt sad and down. But you know what? I worked this week. I worked hard. I threw a costume party for my daughter and her friends, I had a girl over with her kids who is new in town and looking for friends, I got my son to therapy and school, I cooked, I baked a million cakes, organized and held our family event, and on top of it all I translated 11 pages of medical records and sure enough, plenty ofthings in there that where no and I had to do research.
I also had some serious timer issues. Half of the time I thought I turned it on it didn't work. I also had issues keeping track. As I am hard on myself, I of course only counted the times I was 100% sure I worked.
So, Tonight when we came home I started working wanting to some how perform a miracle and make it happen. 40 min later I decided it was not worth it. 

On top of all the things I did last week I had the kids clean up like crazy. The sorted, they tossed, the put away, they vacuumed and mopped, the scrubbed and cleaned. I got more than 4 hours of work out of them. I had them clean while I was baking, I had them bake for me while I was cleaning.

So what if I can't account for 12 working hours today. So what if I am somewhere between 1 and 3,5 hours short of my goal. I worked and I worked hard. My stress levels were through the roof and I still pulled it off. One of the many lessons I need to learn is to know when to let go. Today was one of these moments. It was time to let go and sit down and chat with family. 

ROTM - UPDATE

I was wondering if I was making enough progress. I have to do 1.75 rooms per month to make it through by the end of the year. So I was a little frustrated because the only room that is done is the downstairs bathroom which is easy peasy. So here is what I have done so far. The kitchen needs another hour and then I will be done. I started on the laundry room, the guest...wait. Lets to this the other way round. The only place I haven't started on yet is the boys room. Do you know what that means? Yes. We got started in the attic! And it feels a lot less daunting!

I DID IT!

Once again I pulled it off. Never underestimate the power of stubbornness and a 4 hour call to your sister. I had 3 hours and 10 min left. I did it. I did it. I DID IT.

The guest room is almost visitor ready and I threw out so many little things that just a few weeks ago I would have kept and tucked away somewhere else. Sticking with the guest room was key. It was like working in the garden. A project big enough, and important enough that you could work on it for an hour and not run away.

Next week has less appointments and I am more determined than ever to pull it off again. 8 weeks of experience make me confident! 

THIS WEEK I WILL FAIL

The random thought running through my head while going to yet another appointment was:"This week you will fail." It made me cry. We all know that driving and crying don't mix well, so I stopped again. The crying. Not the driving.

I took a moment to bask in self pity. And then I got over it. I still felt discouraged when I got home. Especially when I realized that I can't carry over 3 hours and 20 min and that if I didn't want to fail TODAY I had to work for at least 1 h and 20 min. I decided to work in the back yard, just because it is easiest to just keep working there. I got my 1  hour 20 taken care off and managed another 20 min in the house.

That was yesterday. 

Today found me dragging through the day, but i managed to catch up a little tomorrow finds me with 3 h and 10 min on the list..wish me luck.

I AM DROWNING

No matter what I do
I can't make it to shore.
I see the coast line.
Sometimes closer,
Sometimes further away.
I feel like I am droning.

No matter what I do,
I can't swim long enough
To make it to the shore.
I float to regain strength.
And while I rest,
The tide carries me away again.

No matter what I do.
The current seems too strong.
No one can see me struggle.
"I admire you!"
Don't. Please don't.
I'm drowning.

Editors note: This was written Feb. 9th 2017

ROTM 2017

ROTM - Room Of The Month is not a new concept. I am doing it again because it has worked very well for me. I have made big progress by focusing on one room at a time but never made it all the way through the house. 2017 is the year I will make this happen. 

I have changed the rules a bit. I work in more than one room. Sometimes I need quiet chores, other days I simply can't face the kitchen. To make it easier, I don't insist on being done with one room before I can start the next.

I am making it harder by counting the patio, the back and front yard, the car, the garage and the attic as a room, too. This way I have 21 "rooms". So either I have to do two a month or the challenge will go for 2 years.

Thanks to my 2 hours per day and the need for quiet jobs at night with James gone and the kids asleep I was done with the downstairs bathroom before I knew it. So 1 down. 20 to go!

FRIDAY BLUES

I am not sure what the problem was Friday. It was just a bad day. Maybe it was the fact that I started my day with 3 hours and 50 min on the clock and zero desire to do anything. I felt so pathetic wanting to take a sick day AFTER I was sick. I worked for 90 min the day I was sick but on Thursday I barely managed anything even though I felt better. I felt like crying all day on Friday.

I finally decided to just get to work. It helped. Not as much as I wish it had, but enough to get me through the day.

CALLING IN SICK

I should be calling in sick. I really should. I've had sick kids since last week Monday. One of them has been sick, or at least not fully recovery since then. One is back to normal and the 4 oldest are home from school with headaches and fevers. I've had a head ache for days and yesterday I finally surrendered.

Unfortunately I had worked ahead the night before and I figured I better get my 2 hours in. So I decided to finally work on the cabinet full of board games. I can't just put the stuff together. When I do that I have to count every piece and write down what'S  missing. Which lets face it is a ridiculous amount of time spent on nothing.

Now I am sitting on the couch, counting endless stacks of cards and game pieces and am thrilled to finally get this going. The complete games will be upstairs in the living room, the incomplete ones will stay downstairs. I know that there is a ridiculous amount of game pieces flying through the girls' room.

Unfortunately throwing out the games  as long as I think I can find the mission pieces is not how I roll. I guess I could practice doing that. But lets face it. I really don't want to. here is what I will do. The incomplete games will stay downstairs. By the end of the year, after I will have gone through the whole house (yes,y es, I will!) what ever is still not complete will go. 

MO 69

THANK YOU! THANK YOU SO MUCH! I have had a really rough week. I have sick kids, a million appointments and I am fighting so hard to keep up with my 2 hours a day. Wednesday night I kind of surrendered and carried over 90 min which of course turned into 120 to carry over by Thursday. Today I am facing the impossible task of 4 hours of household chores/declutter. The only reason for me to go on today was my natural stubbornness and the hope that if I work hard I might pay off some of my debt. 

I felt bad for not blogging as blogging keeps me focused. I had logged out of my google account and then it seems I don't know how to get back into my blog. So I keep the "comment notifications" that are usually spam. They are like a backdoor back into my blog. Today I could hardly believe my eyes.
Someone is actually reading my blog. And tells me it helps them to keep fighting their very own battle against their very own hoard.

I am sitting here, crying like a baby and all of a sudden if feels like it is worth it to keep fighting. Thank you for giving me back hope!

BLAND

Today was an absolutely bland day. Nothing really happend. The day just kind of evaporated. Now everyone is asleep and I climbed out of bed to not wake my husband with my crying. I am not even sure what it is. I feel so stuck.

I still want a day, that is just about me. I want to be spoilt from head to toe and not worrying about having another week ahead of me with a total of 5 additional appointments during the day and 2 evening ones.

I wish I could just have a crying fit and sob it all out, but that moment is past. I'll be a big girl. Update my calendar and be responsible and go back to bed. Tomorrow will be busy, I better be rested. 

STUBBORN

Stubbornness is usually not considered a virtue. For once being stubborn paid off. I have so much going on at the moment. One appointment after the other. And the ambitious goal to work at home for 2 hours on maintenance and decluttering. Week #4. Worst day I was 1 h and 40 min behind. Meaning I had 3 h and 40 min to do that day. Well. It took me 3 days but I am all caught up again. And somehow in this tiresome battle I finished the first ROTM for 2017!

PLANNING

No matter how well I plan my day, something will interferes with my plan. Today I was able to shrug it off. "It is what it is," I said in stead of lamenting (okay so I did) over my disrupted plans and on how the day had gone so much smoother if certain little people had informed me instead of Daddy about being out of school earlier today. Well. I managed to shut myself up. And then just kept going with the new plan. I need to stick to day. Saves loads of emotional energy!

FORMING A HABIT

They say it takes 21 days to form a habit. MY 3 weeks of working 2 hours Mo-Sa are up. And guess what. I really did form a new habit. I wish it was working 2 hours a day, but I am far from it. So far I only made starting my timer and checking for jobs I am willing to do a habit. Better than nothing I would say. The 2 hours are still a big struggle. SO many jobs out there I really don't want to do. So many things to take care of that feel useless. So many challenges that I am not ready to face.

For the moment I will be happy with the fact that I am getting 2 hours of work in every day, even if it is a struggle. I have spent some time thinking on how to go about it best (I spent hours waiting at doctors offices this week I had plenty of time to think) and decided that a 1 hour base plan of daily chores and 6 10 minute units that are flexible and vary from day to day will give me the best chance of accomplishing my goal. This is the first week to try my new and improved 12 x 10. I'll let you know how things went next weekend!

ROCKSTAR AWESOME!

Yup. That is me. This week (MO-FR) I survived 20 hours of taking kids places. 10 hours of cleaning (I finished 20 sec after midnight on Friday night), wicked weather and James gone for 1 night. I probably gained 3 pounds but at this point I don't care. I made it. And I managed to supervise homework and have the kids practice their instruments. I even squeezed in piano lessons for me.

I am very proud of myself for getting 3 h and 20 min done especially as I still had 90 left around 6 pm. It really took some hard work and determination and encouraging words from friends to get me through it. I was SO PROUD of myself for running the time of the clock by midnight. I wanted to be done before, but I thought 20 sec late ain't too bad. And then it hit me! MIDNIGHT! 2 hours on the clock again! For a second I thought I should just keep working, but then I decided to call it a night and GO TO BED! 

MY DAILY 2

Starting on the 26th of Dec. 2016 I have put in 2 hours of work Mo-Sa. As long as the kids where out of school and we had no extra curricular activities it was pretty easy. Once school started back up it got a little harder. I was debating whether or not I should allow myself to work ahead or transfer missing time to the next day. I felt I shouldn't do any of that, as the object is to get me to work daily.

This weeks was absolutely CRAZY with appointments. Add some snow and icy roads which added to my commute time and added taxi rides to my schedule I found myself out of the house on Wednesday for a total of 7,5 hours in 2 blocks. Believe it or not, I was able to get 1 h and 40 min in that day. I decided to allow myself to transfer the missing block to Thursday. Thursday I was on the road for a mere 4,5 hours but I was emotionally exhausted and I ended up having 1 hour and 20 min left. It felt like to much to transfer but I really, really wanted to keep this going

Here is what I came up with:

•  It is okay to work ahead for busy days. 
• you can transfer missing time to the next day
• you can not accumulate more than 2 hours of missing time 
• you need to catch up by Saturday, the clock will be reset on Monday

I can live with that. I think I need a little flexibility for crazy days and to stay motivated, but I know what happens ponce you are "in the hole" and how frustrating it is when you can't dig yourself back out.

I am so close to finishing week 3 of this project. I CAN DO THIS!

RESOLUTIONS TO HELP ME GET ORGANIZED

Look what I found. Last year's resolution on getting organized:

Now this one was a hard one.

Get organized. What on earth does that mean for me? This is what it means for me

• have things accessible so I can just get them when I need them
• know where things are
• have a reasonable reserve (having 3 spare shower curtains in the basement is NOT reasonable)
• have a place for everything
• use what I have (don't save for "later")

I think you get the idea. I think I do. Man. I have a long ways to go still.

I would like to just add one thing. THROW OUT ALL THE CRAP! Seriously. I have thrown away 1 full container of sunscreen (expired) and 1 of aloe vera lotion (surprise surprise also expired) I did not feel guilty, I just thought I should have tossed this last time I came across it.
Yes. It's a long road, but I am on it and that's all that matters! Oh. And btw, I think I stil lhave 3 shower curtains in the basement....

NEW WEEK - NEW ME

I like fresh beginnings. If you are like me and simply too hard on yourself, every now and then you need to erase the score of ME vs LIFE and start over. Mondays are always a good day to start over.
Back to school is always a challenge of it's own so I am taking things slowly. I have decided as long as the basic needs are met, life is good. The rest is bonus.

I have put in 12 days of working 2 hours in the house since Christmas. I thought I saw results, but  at the moment I just want to surrender and give up. I have to remind myself that I have done quite  bit of organizing and that takes time.

Tuesday hit me like it always does. With snow and an extra taxi ride. Kids who have wet shoes all the time and need a second pair, trust them to have the same size all of a sudden and the store having only one pair left. The list goes on. The day has 6,5 more hours and I have 90 min on the clock still. I feel like giving up, but I will not. I'll give up tomorrow....there is always tomorrow...

BECAUSE I CAN

Last week I threw away an unopened package of fancy seeds like pine nuts, sunflower seeds and pumpkin seeds. Why? Because I can. I also tossed an opened but basically full package of sesame seeds. Why? BECAUSE I CAN! It helped that they expired 6 months ago. MY usual MO would have been to open them, sample them, tell my self that they are still good (or be relieved if they weren't as that meant I could toss them) and then tell myself I need to keep them because surely I would use them later. NOT!

Today I tossed a cute card game. Why? Because I can. Yes. Very cute artwork. Fun game for little kids. But guess what. Some of the cards were torn and bent, I think 1 is missing and you can play that game with any old deck of cards. Sure. You won't have the cute bunnies, but you can still play the game.

I can. I really can! 

HAPPY NEW YEAR -OR- I OWE YOU NOTHING

A friend of mine once mentioned that one doesn't "have to learn" a language, but that it is a privilege and a blessing. She says she "treats" herself to a new language every 2 years.

And once again it is all about our choice of words. I have decided in 2017 I will work on doing things because I want to do them. To find joy in the process. Things to learn in the process.

I feel that too many times I do things because "they" expect them from me. Whoever "they" is. This is what I have to say to "them":

I OWE YOU NOTHING

Being free to live includes freeing myself from the dictatorship that makes me feel that I "have to" do certain things and live a certain way. Keep staring and shaking your pretty heads. I don't care. Not this year. 2017 owes me nothing and will give me everything. Why? Because I will do what it takes to get it!