FROM VICTORY TO DRAMA

Here I was, so excited about my good progress with the million books. Guess what. The used book store didn't want them. The first public book shelf was not accessible by car, the second wasn't as public as I hoped and was in a locked building. Shelf #3 and 4 were full.

I had to admit to myself that nobody would ever want those books. At least I can not think of anyone who wanted novels that are 30 to 50 years old or even older.

Now that I am facing having to throw the books away I feel the urge to re-sort them. So far I resisted. The forum I am on suggested offering them for free, online. I hadn't event hought of that. I will give them a week to evaporate that way. Then they will end up in recycling!

BOOKED WEEKEND

Terribly headline, terrible pun, I know, I know. I just couldn't resist. I spent Friday night in front of the TV amidst mountains of books. I didn't not quite make it through it but finished Saturday morning. The books that can be soldhave been sold online. I am looking at a profit of around 90 dollars if my books pass inspections. By Satruday night I had 2 shipments packed and labeled, ready for pick up. (They were picked up Monday afternoon.)

I found a store that sells used books, and a couple of public book shelfs close enough that dropping stuff off there is an option.

When I looked at the keep pile (it was huge) I sighed and picked out all the books that would sell and packed a third box to be sold.

I am quite happy with myself for letting the things  go, but even more for how fast and efficient I was in the process. Now All I have to do is get the unwanted books out of the house and I ave finished this project!

SPOILER ALERT

Okay. This will make you slap your forehead. Hard. So if you want to avoid a headache, stop reading.

A few weeks ago I made the mistake of offering to take a truck load of books off someone. All in the hopes of making a couple of bucks online. I realized a few days later that it most likely wasn't worth it and I would be stuck with even more stuff that I don't want. When the girl didn't call me I felt relief.

6 weeks later, she called. Asked me if I was sure I wanted the books. Stupid me said yes. She said it was about 300 books. It feels more like 3000. I made 30 bucks with the first shipment. I am afraid it's not worth it. On the other hand it is free money. Money I make while watching TV. Will I ever learn? I will curse myself when it's time to get rid of the ones that don't sell.

HOARDERS ARE PEOPLE, TOO

Rumor has it that hoarders are not only people, but even smart people, sensitive people. I would like to agree. I am, at least that is what people tell me. I love helping others. I love to produce that high chair they need, or to be able to supply that sewing machine they need just this one time. It makes me feel important. Hm. Is this the answer? Is this why I am hoarding? Maybe it's a part of the answer. I think the truth is a little more complex. Hoarding is definitly an issue on the maternal side of my family. This might also be the reason why I am not clompetely drowned in clutter. I've seen 2 homes drowning in stuff and the sight wasn't pretty. It is very easy for me to spot it as "ridicilous" with others. Maybe having it close to home helped me be alert and on my toes. I have been fighting my clutter all my life. At the moment I am not sure who is winning.

Many times I've accused my self of being to lazy, too unorganized or even too stupid to get a grip on things. As long as I can remember I kept stuff for it's "sentimentals value". I love to think that the "hoarder label" is not for me, that Ican get away with being "chronically disorganized". Watching the US show "Hoarders" helped me to face the truth. At first I cried. It couldn't be. Me? A mental disorder? What would people think? Would they still love me? Then it hit me. I didn't decide to have a mental disorder, just like no one decides to hace cancer. And just like you keep loving someone with cancer, people will love me, eventhough I am a hoarder. I realized that being able to put a name onit actually sets me free. I am no longer: "toolazy", "too stupid", too anything to keep my house in order. I simply have aproblem and now that Iknow what it is I can start fixing it. IF I had cancer  everybody would come running to help. They would cook meals for me, take my kids to school, pick me up after chemotherapy. They wouldn't stop loving me just because I had cancer. Being a hoarder makes me no less lovable. It just means I need support in different areas.
I am not sure if I prefer having a mental disorder over being lazy but at least I can take a different approach. I am not a failure. I am a hoarder, and as you know:

Hoarders are people, too!

BLOGGING

I think blogging is just a sophisticated way of talking to oneself. Okay. Maybe not as sophisticated as I wish it was. If nothing else it helps to sort out my thoughts. If I forgot what I just told myself I can simply look it up. How convinient.

Today I let go of a toy truck that has been in my posession since I was a year old. And that's a long time, take my word for it. The truckbed has been broken and missing for years. After I tossed it I was starting to think:"Well it's in a cardborad box in the recycling bin. That is basically clean, and it's just the turck bed missing, the kids could still play with......aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Fortunately I stopped right there. The whole reason for throwing that thing away was to prove to myself that I could do it! And I did. And it was hours before I thought about it again.

So long little truck!

IKEA

I might not be on of IKEA's biggest fans, but what I really do like are their storage solutions. A friend of mine was there and got me the SKUBB boxes. They have a zipper on the bottom so if you store nothing in them you can store the box flat.
I was waiting for the big ones so I could finally finish organizing my wardrobe. I did that the second the boxes where at my house.Then I looked at the smaller boxes. For the life of me I couldn't remember what I wanted them for. They were lying around for 2 or 3 days and I still couldn't remember.
Well. I found a good place for 2 of them at last in the cabinet behind he door in the bathroom. Seperating a shelf with boxes will do miracles for you space wise. Now I better find use for the remaining 4. Storing storage boxes would simply be redundant!

MY BLOG TITLE

Why did I call my blog "FREE TO LIVE"? Well. Because any mental disorder will put some kind of restirction on your life. Some are more obvious than others.

The obvious restrictions with hoarding are for example, that you are not comfortable having people in your home, no matter if they are friends, relatives or strangers. Many hoarders are compulsive shoppers, so it is a financial burden. With so much stuff lying around often you can't find what you need. So you have to either do without it or...go buy a new one. A lot of time is wasted looking for things. Or "sorting" things. Sorting and sorting and sorting without ever getting anywhere.

Less obvious results are feelings of shame or low selfestem. Fatigue and depression due to the ever looming pile of things "still to go through". If it takes me 1 hour to deal with a small drawer full of stuff you can imagine how long it will take me to go through a house.

I am done with it. I want to learn to let go and to give up control. To not have to look at everything myself. To be able to say I needed nothing out of this box in the last 12 months, I can let go with out having to look at it again. To let my husband and children decided what can go.

I know I have a long way to go, but I keep in mind that all those things lying around a weighing me down. They come with a heavy weight. They make me feel a certain responsibility for them that is unproportional.

I don't want to live my life sifting through things in order to save scrap paper and old toys. Once I will let go I will be free to live.

FINISH WHAT YOU STARTED

Sounds like recommending the obvious. Doesn't it. But take a closer look at how you do things. Lets asume you are making yourself a cup of tea. When you sit down to drink it, is everything you used to prepare it put away? Yes? Good for you! No? Oh, you are like me. I have a tea bag sitting on the counter instead of in the trash, I have a spoon in the sink instead of the dishwasher. I might not even have put the box with the tea bags back in the cupboard and sometimes I even find the wrapper the tea bag was in flying around days later. All of those things could have been taken care of in seconds, while I was waiting for my tea to be ready. Leaving them for "later" will soon provide me with the task of cleaning up the kitchen with mostly things that wouldn't been lying around if I had taken care of them while I was doing that particular task.

I teach my children that homework is not done when the assignment is done. It is finished when your books and pens are put away where they belong. I do hope that this willl make life easier for them in the long run, even if they don't appreciate it much at the moment.

I spent last week keeping an eye on myself. To see how good I am doing. I improved. But I still leave plenty of things lying around. But at least now I notice it when I do. And the second I notice, I put them where they belong!

THE BASEMENT SCARE

We were watching the US show hoarders. One woman was clearing out a room when she realized the helpers were working in the backyard. As she hadn't been aware of that until that moment she was worried they would throw away stuff they were not supposed to. She got nervous and finally dropped what she was doing to run out and check on them. Seeing that was a little disturbing. The lack of trust. The level of anxiety. The inability to let go of it even if it was for just that moment until she was done with what she was working on.

That episode forced it's way back into my consience just a few days later. I have boxes of "miscellanious" in my laundry room and yes those boxes have been sitting there for well over a year. Right next door we have an unfinished room with piles of left over stuff from renovating and lets face it, lots of trash. Fortunately this room is my husband's. So on this lovely Saturday he set off to the basement in work clothes, while I was sitting here writing a blog post. My daughter came up from the basement with toys in her arms. "Look what I have mommy!" I just about fell off the couch. That stuff was CLEARLY from the laundry room! My husband was going through my things! I lasted on the couch for a total of 30 seconds. I HAD TO KNOW. I went downstairs and asked him in a neutral tone of voice:"What are you doing?" From the look on his face I had to asume my tone wasn't as neutral as I thought. He just wanted to clear the room a little for me. "What are you planning to do with the boxes?" "Nothing. I just moved them a little to have more room for you here."

I went upstairs and cried. Did I need any more proof? The thought of somebody touching my things, maybe tossing some of them was something I couldn't endure. I was a hoarder. Alright. It hurt. The memory of that day still hurts. I am crying again.

MY TIMER DROWNED

Go ahead. Laugh. It was quite traumatic this morning when I found my timer where I had left it last night. (the bathtub rim) Actually trauma hit a few minutes later. When I pushed start and it didn't beep. Then I looked at it. The display didn't show any numbers. Just a water line. Like an aquarium. Only the fish were missing. My last timer drowned in the bathtub so I knew there was no chance of rescuing it. For the life of me I couldn't find my spare timer that I have for just that very reason.  I was devestated. I know how hard it is for me to stick to my 10 minute programm without the timer. I don't have a cell phone, the normal phone's timer function is ridiculously hard to programm and the timer in the kitchen is part of the oven so I would have to return to the kitchen every 10 min to turn it off and set it again. Not a very practical approach. I just went with the clock on the phone which is annyoing as of course it doesn't beep when the 10 min are up and as it only shows minutes isn't acurate enough for someone who is willing to work ten minutes and zero seconds.

I did take apart the timer. Dried off what I could, wrapped it all in cotton and put it on the heater.

I think I am a total hero for still getting my 2 hours of work in, even if I did not stay exactly with my plan as it was too hard to move from room to room at the exact intervalls so I spent more time on different chores and of course had no time left for others. To be honest I went into overtime even.

Tonight I figured I'll give it a try. I sat down and put my timer together (of course I had to redo the screws a  few times as I kept putting them in the wrong  holes). I put the batteries in. Crossed my fingers. Turned it over. IT WORKED. I wanted to set the time and realized it doesn't beep. Fine with me I thought. Then it hit me. What's the point of a timer if it doesn't beep?
Ah well. I thought I can still use it as a normal clock or to run up time and clipped it to my shirt. I went off to take care of laundry. Not even thinking I hit the button. AND IT BEEPED! Just imagine the things I can get done tomorrow ;)

A DAY OFF

Make sure you take a day off every week. I personally chose Sunday. On Sundays I am free. I can sit and relax and do as I please. I can read a book, play games, do what ever. Guilt free. Everybody deserves a break. No matter how cluttered your living space is. You need time to be yourself. To enjoy life. Even if the clutter isn't cleared yet. Especially if it isn't cleared yet! You need lots of energy to work through it all. So take a break, recharge your batteries. Take a deep breath and simply:

 ENJOY LIFE!

2 FULL HOURS

Todays 10 magic minutes went a lot better. I got my full 2 h in. As it was Saturday I made some time for decluttering. Considering how much time I spent  (aproximately 30 min) I probably didn't get a lot done. I ignored a lot of the stuff in front of me. BUT...the stuff I did take out of boxes either went were it belonged or in the trash.
I prossesed 4 loads of laundry and 4 rooms of the house improved. I scrubed a bathroom. I feel good about what I accomplished. That's always a great motivator for the next day!

YESTERDAYS 10 MAGIC MINUTES

I did pretty well. Until life interfered. I only got 60 min in. And I adapted the programm a little. As I expected people to come over in the afternoon I concentrated on downstairs and ignored the upstairs. This proved to be a rather wise desision, as one of the kids got sick and I couldn't continue as planned. If I had started upstairs as I usually do, I would have never made it downstairs. And I think I might just have canceled that visit.

My second adjustment was to repeat the 10 min process until the rooms were done. Well. Actually I jumped back and forth between rooms, as the one room is just such a terrible drag for me and I can barely last in there for 10 min so I had to go do easier jobs in between. I got the hall and bathroom 100% and the front room at 99.5% I'd say. Kitchen got no attention, besides messing it up some more to prepare a warm lunch, but as my husband had it mroe or less cleaned up before he left in the morning that was okay.

Once again I saw may little 10 magic minutes do exactly that...

MAGIC

10 MAGIC MINUTES part II

The 10 magic minutes are less a way of parting with things but a way to stay on top of the daily chores. For years I have been questioning  my tidy friends to find out how they do it. I think I know now. They just take care of things more or less the second they happen. They don't let it pile up. So instead of trying to fix it once it's piled up, they never let it get that far.

I decided to give it a try. Needless to say just because I wanted to try to keep a clean house clean, my messy house was still messy. And not being able to ever get it clean was the problem in the first place. So I figured I will just clean up one room. Get it perfectly organized and maintain it.

My theory was that it should take about 10 min to get a room that was cleaned the day before back to the desired state. So I counted my rooms, added a 10 min block for morning chores (taking down dirty laundry, sorting it and starting the washer) another 10 min block for laundry, 10 min for each meal and ended up with 12 10 min blocks to work.

I decided that I would always work the rooms in the same order. I would start at the top of the stairs and work my way around counter clock wise.

I started my little experiment by cleaning out my bedroom. Everything was taken out. I washed out every drawer, vacuumed under and behind furniture, washed the windows. Once everything was cleaned I only let stuff back in that I actually wanted in that room. (Yes, that did leave me with a pile of stuff I didn't know what to do with, but I did what I usually do in a situation like this. I throw it all in card board boxes or laundry baskets and either have it disapear in the attic or the basement. I know, I know. Not a solution but it works for me. HAHAHA!)

So after 2 days of hard work I started my experiment. I dedicated 10 min to every room the moment everybody was out of the house. It was quite rewarding to see just how easy it was to keep that bedroom clean. 10 min was plenty. Even on bad days. Most of the time I was done in less than 5 min. So what did I do with those extra minutes? I dedicated them to room #2. (So 10 min for room #2 plus all the minutes left from room #1) Within a week or 2 all of a sudden I had 2 clean, organized rooms. And within 2 months I more or less had the house under control. It was quite the satisfying experience. I never thought I had it in me. Cleaning was less of a drag because I finally saw results. And I saw them every day.

I keep track of my work. I have a little piece of paper. Any scrap paper will do. I write down the 12 10 min units. I cross each one off when it's done. At the moment my house is completely out of control. Why? Because I haven't used the 10 magic minutes. I will go and practice what I preach! The timer is set! Ask me if I was successful tomorrow!

10 MAGIC MINUTES part I

What you do. You set your timer to 10 min. You go into the room. Hit start and stay in that room for 10 min. Your baskets are by the door. 1 is for dirty laundry, one is for stuff that doesn't belong in that room and the trash can, well obviously is for trash.

Why it works. The magic doesn't lie in the 10 min you put in. The magic is in focusing your work on one small area. Trust me, I've tried. 2h of work with the magic minute approach can do miracles. 2 hours of the headless chicken approach might show some results but usually has you frustrated, not seeing any progress.

For those of us having a hard time focusing or having a long history of running away from dreaded tasks, the 10 min do the following.

• You can handle 10 min, they are over fast so just grit your teeth and do it
• If you get sidetracked and started working on something else the buzzer will go off at the most 9 min and 58 sec after you got sidetracked and will remind you of the task you set out to do
• If you go sidetracked and stopped working the buzzer will do the exact same thing
• Working with a timer you will learn how much time certain tasks need,  which will make it easier for you to plan a day's work
• Keeping track of the amount of time put in will make you feel better about yourself. Most likely you will realize that you put at lot more time into household chores than you thought.
• Working in 10 min intervals will give you a feeling of success. The object wasn't in cleaning up the room, the object was to stay focused on that area for 10 min. When the buzzer goes off and you are still working it's "mission accomplished" no matter how far you got. You are free to drop everything and leave the room behind you for that day.
• Some times the hardest part is getting started. Knowing you are free to stop and take a break after 10 min (sorry, breaks are restricted to 10 min also) will sometimes be enough to keep you going, saying:"Oh, I can handle another 10 min." And before you know it you've worked for an hour!
  

If you are a little skeptical at the moment I recommend you give it a 4 week trial run. Try it and see what it does for you. I think you won't be disappointed!

HEADLESS CHICKEN

I guess "running around like a headless chicken" describes me pretty well when I attempt to clean up my house. Let's say, I start in my bedroom. I make my bed, pick up a few random things, see a cup sitting on the window sill and pick it up and take it to the kitchen. As I want to put it in the dishwasher I realize that the clean dishes still need to be put away. I go ahead and do that. As I start clearing off the table, I find one of the kid's books. I take it upstairs, put it on the shelf, pick up some dirty clothes that are strewn around and put them in the hamper. Oh. It is full. Time to take the stuff to the laundry room. I sort the dirty laundry, start a load as there happens to be enough, but to do so have to take the wet laundry and put it in the dryer, only half can go in, so I take the rest upstair and hang it up. As it is raining I have to hang it in the living room. I find one of my shoes there and take it to the front door where it belongs. Next to the door I see a book sitting there that I wanted to read and I figure I'll put it on my nightstand. When I get to my bedroom and see the half made bed I realize that I had originally set out to clean up that room. 20-30 min after I started, all I got achieved in there is to pick up 3 dirty socks and take out one cup.

If this in any way describes you, you might wantto try the 10 magic minutes program.

You will need:

• a timer that is set to 10 min that you can carry with you
• an empty laundry basket
• a trash can  or trash bag
• another empty laundry basket or empty box.
• a messy house 
  

Now you are ready to start your 10 magic minute program!

SHE SAW THE HOUSE!

My friend stopped by unexpectedly. She had had a bad morning and felt like cleaning up. It didn't take much to convince her that this place was  a lost case I had no clue were to start and we simply sat down and chatted for a while. "But she was here to help you" you might think. Guess what. She did. She made me feel that it was okay. There was no need to change the situation, which always makes me feel like people are trying to change me.

Of course I would have felt better if the house had been cleaned up. But hey. It wasn't. I would have prefered for her not to see it like this. But she did. And she was just fine. Even if it is exactly the opposite of what she has at home. I feel loved and accepted. And that is just what I need to feel to get the inner strength to change things!

I AM SICK

My throat hurts, my ears sting. Yesterday I had a splitting headache and a tempeature. My husband has been sick for 5 days and the kids aren't their normal healthy self, either. It is rather discouraging to see the state of the house detoriate so fast. Fortunately from past expirience I know what I need to focus on in a situation like this. Unless you opt for paper plates, dishes are the top priority (not just for sanitary reasons.) Clothes are next on the list, because by the time your kids realize they don't have a single clean item to wear to school it's too late to start washing. Fortunately I am far from having hit rock bottom. Oh well. Maybe not that far. A friend of mine has offered to come help me in 2 days. (she is too busy tomorrow). But she is one of those women who, no matter what, always have a clean house. She has seen my house in bad shape and has never been anything but supportive and non judgemental, but I still don't want her to see it like this....again. Plus her super efficency always makes me feel a little stupid. I simply don't understand how she can clean up that fast, especially somebody else's house!

I did get the dirty dishes in the dishwasher and started the laundry. Other then that I more or less slept through the day. I do hope I feel better tomorrow. Even if that means clearing out the chaos!

~ 500 BOOKS

are out the door. I sold about a third and dropped off the rest at a public book shelf. I am very proud of myself for resisting the temptation of taking some out. I am also happy that I got the books out of my brothers living quarters who happily stored them for a year. 4 moving boxes neatly stacked up against the wall and a few more books not so neatly on a desk. Now that I am aware of my own problem I am more aware of people with similar issues. I think my brother is even worse than I am. He still lives at my parents house and occupies 2 large rooms with lots of storage. A long time ago those rooms were mine and my sister's. So in some of those niches there are still boxes and shelfs with things that belong to us. My sister said when she finally got around to working through some of her stuff he got upset with her because she threw away HER OWN THINGS. I must admit I sometimes get nervous when people throw away perfectly good stuff. But I am afraid that wasn't the case here.
I hope my brother hasn't adopted my pile of books into his hoard yet. He wasn't there when I cleared out my stuff. Just to make sure the shock isn't too big I left 2 of the moving boxes (now empty) in the spot they were.
I am happy with myself that on the 4th attempt I finally took care of it all!