#FAIL

I am 8/16 on the Christmas challenge. When I fail, I fail big. Tomorrow. I'll try again tomorrow.

LOSING CONTROL

Nothing like seeing the efforts of your hard works melt away before your very eyes. I am not sure what went wrong. I think it was a mixture of overwhelm which usually results in my doing nothing and just way too much going on. Thanksgiving and everyone catching a stomach bug and someone sick non stop for 10 days, at one time 4 kids at once did not help the situation. Now Christmas is around the corner and I look around with a sinking feeling in my stomach and I am just not sure how to get a grip on things. I am working on getting the 10 magic minutes back in place. It is a great system that really helps me to get a lot done. The only drawback is the feeling of not ever getting finished unless you have at least 1 clean room. Which I don't at the moment. I have 3 almost clean rooms. I will focus on getting them done today. This way I should have 3 rooms that take less than 10 min which should give me time to work on #4. The almost clean rooms are the bathroom downstairs, the entry hall and the living room. I know, the living room is hard to believe but we have been working hard on keeping it since Thanksgiving. The bathroom upstairs will be room #4. These rooms are also least likely to be cluttered.

I wish I cared enough about a clean house to keep working on it every day. I feel I simply don't. It is such a redundant, boring job and I really don't see much sense in it, especially knowing the rate at which the little ones can destroy all my efforts. Yes. I am feeling down again. Probably not sleeping enough again. At least today the sun is shining. That might help a little.

SURPRISE DRAWER

I made the boys put away their clothes. They told me they couldn't put a few items away cause their pyjama drawer was full. Before I knew it I was sorting out summer jammies, others that were too short, one that I hate (and yes I had permission plus they started to fall apart). 2 min later I was done and their drawer was only half full after I finished. I showed they boys and Alex said:"How did you do that Mommy? That's like magic!" Hahaha. I told them that I do magic every day when they are gone and that they come home and destroy it. Oh well. Maybe not the nicest thing to say, but that is really how I felt. In reality it was just math. Take 50 % out. Have room for more. Now, if I could only just give it away and not tell myself it is worth it to keep the stuff for the little ones. I even have a taker. ButI don't know when I would see her again. Oh well. Tomorrow. I'll bag it tomorrow.

MY CHRISTMAS CHALLENGE

Because December is only the busiest month of the year, I decided to make it even harder. I picked my very own personal Christmas challenge. Declutter on shelf/box/basket/pile/whatever Mo-Sa until Christmas. It is DAY 1 and I am regretting it already. Why? Cause it is almost midnight and I haven't done. Failing on DAY 1 is not an option. I am wondering which Drawer/shelf surface is easiest. I am going for the sideboard in the living room. We cleared it off for Thanksgiving, but it already has 3 random items on top of it, that all need to be put away. Yes.  Feels like cheating, but it is better than not doing it I think. Off I go!

Yes. That was Dec. 1st. I did get my surface done right before midnight. I was smart enough to pick an easy one. I went all out and even put some Christmas deco on the sideboard in the living room. Friday I made the mistake of picking a surface that was too easy and ended up doing a drawer too, in the process. Saturday I suffered. I did a basket of laundry. Do I hear disagreeing voices? Oh I do. Let me explain. Not only has this basket been MIA for weeks it was also on the bottom of a pile of hoard. I emptied it, put the basket back into the laundry rotation and...AND IRONED the stuff that was in it. I WIN!

CHEER ME ON

Do cheer me on. I desperately need it. I was a good girl and tackled the baskets today. I took care of 2 with just minor cheats. I may or may not have dumped the last few items of basket #1 into the next basket that I did NOT tackle today. Either way. 2 baskets are empty and returned to their proper use. Laundry. I got this. Right?

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

What am I thankful for? I guess in connection to hoarding I am thankful for my support in my online forum. I am thankful for James, who is understanding, never pushy and seems to know how to deal with it without having to be told. I am thankful for the progress I made and for the faith people have in me. I am espeically thankful that I have learned to take "small bites" and that I am not creating huge messes when the intention is to declutter and clean up.

STILL AT IT

Yes. I am still at it. I have done so well these last few weeks. I  have cleared at least 1 box a day Mo-Sa. Sometimes more. The girls room feels SO MUCH BETTER. The attic. Oh well. Lets not talk about it. I really can't tell that I did anything up there. James claims it looks so much better. I only see what is left to do.

I am not sure what has changed that I feel so much better and so much more capable. I think it is a number of things.

Having had 4 weeks in the summer where I wasn't responsible for anything helped. Mastering 5 tremendously stressful weeks without messing things up royally gave me a boost. Feeling better about myself and having had a chance to relax in body and spirit helped me to further work on my positive thinking. I praise myself more. I look at the accomplishments. I acknowledge failure without tearing myself up over it. I have decided that I can be happy and that I want to be happy. I look at the things I am thankful for and lets face it. I have SO MUCH to be thankful for. How did that saying go?

"Life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful!"

It's wonderful indeed!

26!

I just admired my post with the boxes stacked high and it finally dawned on me why I had 22 empty boxes left even though I had 4 full ones to keep at the end. 4 x 5+2 indeed equals 24 but what if 3+3 was 6 and not five? The stacks are 6 boxes high. Not 5! I went through 26 boxes! I feel even better about myself now and can accept the fact, that it took 2 weeks to really deal with them.

2 WEEKS LATER

2 weeks after the great sort out I am still not ready to get new boxes from the attic. It took me long enough to get the 4 back up and the empty boxes sorted out. James has filled one up and brought CDs down to check them, get them sorted and maybe sell them.

The girls' room looks like a landfill and in the hopes of helping them clean up their room I made them just fill up empty boxes with their stuff. They filled 8 boxes,  4 laundry boxes full of stuff on top and the place still looks like a dump.

An "abominable pile" grew out of nowhere in front of my bed. It is made up of 4 laundry baskets. Yes, doing laundry is getting complicated, as I never seem to have an empty baskets. I feel like just dragging it all up into the attic so I don't have to look at it again.

I decided instead of hiding  it all upstairs and getting a new box I will just pretend it is attic hoard (technically it is the second I take it up) and decided to spare myself the trip. Instead of bringing down a box a day, I will tackle a box (basket a day down here until I am done. As I have 16 of them that should take me more than 2 weeks. It is frustrating to think that of 22 boxes 12 are full again/still and if I dumped the baskets into boxes I would fill up another 8. If I think that I only got rid of 2 boxes  over the last 2 weeks I shall go mad. But this has always been the problem with the attic. Things went up faster than they were cleared.

Tomorrow is a new day. I will have new energy and will take care of one basket. One basket is all a day requires! I can do this!

THE GREAT MOTIVATOR

If there is one thing that motivates me to clean up besides wanting it clean it is people coming over. Greatest motivator of all is a babysitter. Why? Because a babysitter basically has to enter every single room of your house. so you can't just shut a few doors and pretend everything is peachy. Among babysitters, the "new" babysitter is most motivating, cause they haven't ever seen your house. Blah. I've been working on this house like crazy for 10 days now and I am getting places, but didn't get done. We have 5 boxes left in the girls room, 3 of them I moved to my room and 2 baskets of clothes form the little kids' room. All stacked up in front of my bed again to form yet another abominable pile.

I am dreaming of getting stuff down from the attic, but it is either shove this stuff up to deal with new stuff, or be patient and get things under control before I bring down more. We all know the smart way to do this, especially with Thanksgiving sneaking up on me and Christmas around the corner. I wish I had a date for the attic business. That would make planning easier.

Well. The house is babysitter ready. The room to my door is shut and I will just hope she is not the nosy type..

TAKING THE HIGH ROAD

Taking the high road might be the right thing to do, but it sure ain't easy. I have thoughts of revenge popping up in my head. I keep telling myself that if she is behaving the way she is consciously I must take it as a compliment. How awesome must I be if she doesn't want me there? How afraid must she be of my wit, personality and presence if the only way she can compete is by not having me there?

I keep telling me it's over. For more than 2 years I have asked my self what is wrong with me that people don't want me around. Obviously nothing. The question is, what is wrong with her that she has to pretend to be my friend when she is not? This has sucked out so much energy of me. Not just this last week, but the last 2 years. It is time to heal and move on.

I have decided that I will have her help me with some mending. She is a good seamstress and this way she can do something for me and I can voice sincere appreciation. High road. Here I come. 

STUPID BOXES

I am still working on the boxes from the girls' room. Why is it taking me so long? Well, because I started with the baskets, 3 of the 4 were emptied and returned to the laundry process. I have dealt with boxes, not sure how many, but once they were empty I made the girls refill them with the rest of the stuff that was lying around. So even though I still have 8 boxes full of "miscellaneous" at least the floor is clean now.

To give you an idea what I am dealing with here is a list (not complete) of things I dealt with from today's box:

• dirty laundry
• puzzle pieces
• clean laundry
• old school stuff
• art work
• hair brushes
• bags 
• toys
• more toys
• pencils
• even more toys
• books
• toys that belong into the Luke's room
• a water bottle
• stuffed animals

I am afraid I also cheated. We sorted through 2 boxes and I just dumped the remains of the second into the first after I had enough. I also started looking through the last basket and never got finished. But hey, who cares. I am persistent and I am starting to see progress. That it is all that counts at the moment.

ANTIDOTE

They say you have to cut out toxic people from your life completely. It makes sense. I mean why would you consciously and willingly sit in poison ivy? That would be stupid. Or, unless you wanted to kill yourself, you wouldn't drink toxic liquids. 

I am not sure if I have the right definition for toxic people. So lets clarify. Toxic people for me are people who bring you down, make you feel small, destroy relationships. Manipulate you and others and play the game with you as the pawn who can easily be sacrificed, to protect the king, well yes, them of course.

Toxic people are what they are. Toxic. I wonder if there are different levels of toxicity? Like with poisons? And could it be that some are toxic because they simply don't know better?

I have decided to not play the game. I will not return a load of poison. I prefer to be naive and believe that people are nice. I'd rather get my feelings hurt again that run around adding poison to their lives.

I will stay nice and play nice. If you want to fight poison you need an antidote. I have decided that the only thing that can work against toxic people is love. I will stay kind. I will stay helpful. I will not change who I am because they treat me poorly. 

A NEAT STACK

How do you like that? I AM A ROCKSTAR! I am not sure how I ended up with 22 empty boxes. I had 4 full ones left. Maybe I just can't count. You count them! I did have one left over from box #2 but, hey who cares!

I can't tell you just how great this feels! I got rid of so much! I did keep my wedding dress. So what. I am still happily married to the guy I took it to the alter with so I have EVERY RIGHT IN THE WORLD to keep it.

I let go of so much stuff. A lot was easy. I really have made progress. My thinking patterns are changing . Slowly but steadily. I gave up a few things that I would have rather kept. But now as I am typing this. I can't even remember what they were.

James say the attic looks so much better already. I still don't dare to venture up their. I am scared it might ruin it all as I know it can'T be that much better upstairs. 

TOXIC PEOPLE

Last night was one of those horrible evenings. When it all falls apart. I cursed them and cried. I swore they would not get away with it. I gnashed my teeth and felt like breaking things. James did a good job listening to me. And I could tell he was upset, too. If they leave me out, one thing. But if I get the impression they are cutting out my kids to get at me that's it. Well. James wrote an email, the response a day later was that it is all one big misunderstanding and of course my kids are welcome to join. Of course it might all just be a misunderstanding. But with my history of being actively excluded, can you blame me for feeling they are out to get me through my kids?

Well. We did stay up way to late last night talking about it. James told me that he has an opinion about all the things that are going on. He said it might be better to just keep his mouth shut, but if I really wanted to, he'd share his 2 c with me. I insisted. And I am so glad I did. He asked me if Amber had invited me to go walking in the past 2 weeks. Well. Indeed she has not. He told me about a conversation he overheard. The new girl and Amber talking about going for walks on a weekly basis. And the new girl saying:"How about we invite Katja, too?" This I think is the third time that someone has told Amber to invite me. She usually agrees, but never does. I wonder if she runs around telling people that I couldn't make it or declined the invitation.

I was surprised to be honest. I said:"why on earth would she do that?" She is always nice to me. James told me that of all the things he heard of her through me she seems to be a person who likes things to go her way. And if I was there I definitely would speak up if I had different ideas. And to not have to put up with it, she cuts me out.

All the puzzle pieces fell into place. One incident after the other that I attributed to her rather direct (borderline rude) personality and that I was willing to forgive and make excuses for made sense. And I remembered just how many times when she had the other girls assembled around her I had the impression of a queen, talking to her subjects. Guess what. I will not bow to the queen. James is right. I would speak up and throw her tea right back into the harbor.

It hit me. She is toxic. A viper that I mistook for a garden snake. 

I FEEL UNLOVED

Once again. It is time to declutter a couple of people out of my life. Not sure how. They are so interwoven with my social and family life that cutting ties won't be easy. I try so hard to not take things personally but it gets harder every time. I am sick of feeling left out. And I'd rather die than beg them to let me play.

With all my emotions tied up in this mess I have a hard time getting my daily chores done, Don't even think about decluttering. I have to deal with this. I have no time to have my energy tied up like this. I really need to learn to let it go!

THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA

The great wall of China might have been a more fitting title for yesterday's post. Or better yet. Katja's wailing wall. Well. Fear not. I conquered. At least mostly. I made it through 16 boxes that night in a little more than 1 hour. Yes. I really did well. I was also very smart. I have learned from past mistake. Instead of sorting into heaps, things went into labeled bags right away. The second a bag was full it was tied up and piled up by the front door, or in the basement. Depending of where it was supposed to got. So when I quite because it was time to go to bed, I didn't have much of a mess left. More boxes to go through, yes, but no mess. I am afraid those last few boxes might take em a while. 

BOX #3

I am crazy. But you knew that. This is what it looks like when I get too excited about a project. As James is off playing basketball Monday nights and I wanted to sort clothes I decided he should bring more than one box. Bring down all the boxes with clothes in them I said. Oh well. I was about to send him back with the box of sheets but then remembered that someone asked for bedding. So it all came down. As long as there was fabric in it, it was allowed to come down. The boys had to help bring them downstairs. I had a sinking feeling that grew worse with every box that came down from the attic. Don't bother counting them, I already counted them for you. 22. Yes. Twenty-two boxes. As you can tell, not all of them are completely full. But hey. Spell crazy. K-A-T-J-A. Good job! Wish me luck. 

2 BOXES DOWN

At least kind of. Am I kidding myself when I tell myself reduction of volume is good enough? There is just so many things I am not ready to deal with. And it is not even emotional stuff. I have reduced 2 boxes to 1/3 of a box. The rest ist put to use, donated or thrown out. I decided I will just put the box back in the rotation once it is full.

So far I have not made a big mess and contained the sorted stuff. That alone is great progress for me. Having James get the boxes for me is nothing sort of brilliant. Why? Because this way I only see the one box. Of course I know how much is up there. But I am a visual thinking type. I think in pictures. I remember things I see a lot better and fast than things I hear. So NOT seeing the attic helps me to stay focused on the one box and keeps me from despair. On Monday I will send him up for box #3.

1 BOX DOWN

I can always tell how important a project I am working on is for James when I ask him to do certain things for me on it. The more important it is for him the faster he will be to get what ever I want from him accomplished. If it is something that isn't of much importance to either of us it might take weeks and a few reminders. I asked him to bring a box from the attic for me. Remember. I have this little fold up ladder you need to pull down and that hatch you have to crawl through. Guess what. I think it took him less then a minute to come back with the box. I have a feeling he really wants me to get this done.

When he put the box in front  of me he said:"It's heavy. Lots of books I think. Could be easy, could be hard." That's exactly what it was. Hard and easy. Throwing books away is hard for me. most of them ended up in a to be read pile. a few were tossed and a few went into the car to be passed on. Lets see how soon that happens. Hahaha! Well. Tomorrow will be a new day and it will bring o new box.

ATTIC! HERE I COME

This is what I will do. I will have James bring down 1 random box for me from the attic. It is way to cold already to work up there and I will deal with it until I am done with it. I will NOT bring down piles of boxes just to be overwhelmed and cry and quit.

If I can handle one box a day that would be 6 boxes a week. Yes. Still slow, but I would be happy with that kind of progress I must admit!

I am not looking forward to the attic. There is so much that will remind me that I "saved" to much for "the right time" and now no one needs it anymore. Oh well. Lets hope I will at least be able to get rid of it!

THE REDUNDANCY OF MOTHERHOOD

The redundancy of motherhood was heavy on my shoulders today. Cooking. Cleaning. Laundry. Taxing. Over and over and over again. With no end in sight and no hope of relief and knowing no matter how much of it I will do, there will always be more waiting for me. 

My dear friend has had another miscarriage. My heart aches for her. Here I am, feeling sorry for myself cause the little one woke up when the doorbell rang when she wants nothing more than another little one to hold and call her own.

Hours later I found out another friend is on the fast track ruling out possible breast cancer. Her doctor told her chances are good it's nothing serious, but the threat is there and it is real.

I sent James off to play basketball with his friends so I could catch up with the redundancies of motherhood. They don't sound too bad after all. 

SLOWING DOWN

Things are finally slowing down a bit. We are all getting used to our new schedules and things are becoming more routine. Tuesday is still a stupid Taxi day but what can you do. Despite working on routines there seems to be always something to mess things up. Last week was very hard for me. I could see myself looking into the abyss of depression again and it was hard to not take that step and let myself fall. It is a good thing I have my husband to hold me back.

We have made a lot of progress in the house but not mater what I always want more.

MAKE ME PAY

I just came across one more decluttering page that tells me that I can get a grip on  my house once and for all and all I have to do is sign up for the course they offer. I can have the basic version for  150+$ or I can get the full version for 260+ $ that will give me life time access and the seller as a personal coach.

Seriously? You want me to sign up with you although all I have is YOU to tell me how awesome it is what you have done? And WHY ON EARTH would I need life long access if what you tell me to do will help me get this done for good in just a few weeks? 

I understand that you want to get something out of it if you make hours of videos to share with people. But if all you have is 2 random strangers testifying that you "saved their lives" I just might be a little reluctant to fork over that amount of money.

Maybe I am just not desperate enough yet.

OUT OF MY WAY!

Nothing can stop me. I had a full day and packed an additional unplanned 40 min of shopping and 80 min for a doctors visit into it. I am happy to announce that the piece of glass in my foot is (most likely) out. I practiced the piano, there was homemade food (left overs but hey!) for everyone, homework is done, the house looks better than in the morning, I did 2 full hours of maintenance and I did it all without yelling. I did request quiet repeatedly after dinner but hey. 6 kids can make WAY TOO MUCH noise.

It might only be Monday, but I am strong and determined, tomorrow is planned well and it will go smoothly.

Watch me rock this week! Bye bye depression. May our paths never cross again!

LOST IN DETAIL

For years I wanted to put photo albums together for my kids. This week I decided to start with the little one. He is barely a year old, so easy peasy I figured.

Well guess what. After going through a few of my folders, picking out pictures I was rather annoyed with the fact that most of them seemed to have doubles of everything. So looking through the pictures I found myself looking at every single one twice. I knew that I had doubles often. Being a true hoarder I figured that is not a problem. Well. Guess what. It is. It slows the picture picking progress down immensely. And it's not like I'd delete something that would then be lost for good if I got rid of the doubles. Plus James has back up copies of all these pics. So I started deleting doubles from the folder I was working on, soon enough I figured I better do this in an organized manner and started with my oldest folder. Well. Guess what. 3 hours of deleting pictures later (over a period of 2 days while watching movies and talking to James) I realized that I am not working on the album anymore. I was looking through folders that were older than my baby. Once again I lost focus. Doing something that was a good thing, but not what I set out to do. Something that came to my attention and that was close enough to the intended task that I believed I was working hard on it. Well. I finished that folder and got back to my original task. I am still deleting doubles, but only in the folders I go through with baby pics.

No wonder if projects feel like they take for ever if they turn into different projects all the time.

SLEEP, PRECIOUS SLEEP!

I have accomplished more over the last 8 days than I have in the 3 months before. At least that is what it feels like. 

• I translated about 25 pages of medical records 
• washed at least 15 loads of laundry,
• made cake
• had guests over for dinner
• supervised homework
• had homemade food from scratch 5 out of 8 days
• practiced the piano daily
• was up between 6 and 6:30 am every morning
• made snacks for school
• cleaned up the kitchen daily

To sum it up. I did a good, no an excellent job. What made this possible? Going to bed at 10 pm. As a night owl that is not ideal, but I learned that even night owls can function at 6 am and even more, enjoy being alive at 6 am if they go to bed on time. So 10 am it is. Even if that means that I feel I have no evening to relax. 

NIGHT OWL

Editors note: This post is 2 months old. I want to post it anyway. WHY?

• Because I am a hoarder and don't want it to go to waste 
• Because at least for me there is quite a contrast to this mood and how I am feeling now
• I have a post coming up about sleep schedules for night owls
  
  Here we go. The post is all yours!

I have always been a night owl. Even as a kid. I remember liking nothing better than playing outside until it was dark in the summer and sleeping in in the morning. Sometimes sleeping long enough to miss the morning cartoons. Yes. Huge problem. Back then, where I lived, they showed cartoons during school break at 9 am for 30 min. Then no more kid shows until 5 pm. And they were over at 6 pm. And as I was out to play, I often missed them.

These days I don't have to worry about missing cartoons as they are on whenever I want them to be. Plus I don't watch them anymore to be honest. I am still a night owl though. 

I don't know what it is, but once again, with James gone it feels like I can't get anything done all day and by 10 pm when I am tired and drained I feel the strong urge to get going. And all of a sudden I can. I am not sure if it is anything like my "end of year syndrome" when I feel the need to clean the whole house around the 30th of December, or if it is guilt of not having used my time during the day. Maybe it is just another stalling tactic. So I won't have to go to bed and I won't have to face another morning. Be it what it is, I am too tired to care at the moment I must admit that getting in 1 hour of work around midnight is better than nothing....

DEVIL'S ADVOCATE

Have I mentioned that we want to turn our attic into living space? Can you image just how huge of a project this feels like? We have taken initial steps. We are far from actually getting started on the whole thing. One thing is certain. The attic will have to be cleared. As my whole hoard is tucked away up there this is a major challenge. We are aware that somethings will be kept. But where to put them? Well. The basement of course. AS there is no room in the basement as ridiculous as it sounds to clear the attic we have to clear out the basement first.

Kudos to James for tackling the storage room down there. He was so swift I never got around to taking BEFORE pictures. HE put everything that he thought I needed to sort in the guest bedroom and everythign that can be tossed on the basement stairs. Most of it were just boxes of all sizes from appliances, diapers or shipment. So here we have all these boxes.

James:"I put them there so we can decide if any of them are of a useful size."
Me:"Na, we'll just throw them all out."
James:"Some of these little ones are really nice. I thought we could use them as gift boxes."
Me:"You are right. These are very nice."

YES! THEY WERE! Where would I put them? They could go with the wrapping paper!

Me:"When this house is cleared out and completely organized, we can consider keeping boxes like these. At the moment, they have to go!"

*takes box apart and throws it in the trash*

Who's the hoarder now?

SUPERGIRL CRIED

Supergirl had enough. Supergirl spent an hour searching for the stupid skirts to the ballet outfits. Unfortunately Supergirl found them 2 min before the time was up, or Supergirl could have stayed home. Supergirl cried in the car on the way to ballet class. Supergirl has been rotating for 5 day and Supergirl knew she would be rotating for at least 4 more days.

Supergirl felt better after crying....

THE LAST 5 WEEKS.

Once again I proofed that if you put a little pressure on me I can be quite efficient. But don't make it too much or I don't even get started.I guess at the moment it is the right amount. I got so much done. I have done 2 hours of household chores 3 work days in a row. I translated as if they paid me for it, oh wait, they do. I cooked as if there was no tomorrow and  now I have to make sure it all gets eaten before it goes bad! I even practiced the piano. I threw out 18 things today, have more but ran out of time, and I  made a plan for the attic. I praise myself for the things I get done and so far managed to not despair over the things yet to do. I really hope I can keep this up!

PROPHETIC WORDS

What were my last words in my last post? Still taking bets on who will get sick? Well. To make the list shorter, Alex and Luke did not get sick. The rest had a 2-5 day encounter with a nasty stomach bug, and with Luke it is questionable whether he didn't get it or if he just had a very mild form.

The last 4 weeks saw me traveling, tending to a sick family, I started it all and was out for 5 days, everybody else was smart enough to wait for me to get better to clean up after them, I have also been swamped with work. Over the last month I received as many documents to be translated as over the first half year of 2016. And don't forget the new school year. Yes. I did survive the first day of school.

I am feeling rather good about it all at the moment. I feel unstoppable, even if the place is in complete chaos. I feel like I simply need to get started to succeed.

I started to throw out clothes. Soon the change of seasons will make it necessary to switch to warmer clothes and Ihave every intention of minimizing everyone's wardrobe!

I HATE TRAVELING

If you never hear from me again, it is because I ran away. And I will have taken nothing but a credit card. My head is full with back to school, the house, the attic and some last minute packing for a well deserved trip. Wish me luck. I am still taking bets on who will get sick. 

BEST COOLER BAG EVER

Here it is. The best cooler bag ever. Look for yourself:

What makes it so great? It was a fabulous deal, and has this wonderful bright pink color. It has a shoulder strap, but alternatively you can also carry it with the 2 handles.

It not only was a fabulous deal. It has this wonderful compartment for drinks. To make it even better you can freeze your drinks and then use them as the cool packs to keep your contents cold. 

But wait! That's not all. Look. It has this wonderful small hatch so you can open it and can get stuff out without losing any of your precious cold!

I know. You are SO JEALOUS! How about I get you my mother's phone number?

According to her, this bag is so wonderful she just "had to buy more than one." This is where I come in. I am one of the chosen people who gets a cooler bag dumped on them that they have no use for and no desire in having. That they couldn't turn down cause their mother was so exited about giving them a present. Even better in a color they are not particularly excited about. My sister Eliza knew better and turned it down. My sister Charlotte got one, too.
My sister Charlotte also insinuated that I should be thankful. 

My mother fulfilled her shopping and the hunt for bargain needs. My mother made sure it doesn't clutter her house by dumping her prizes on other people. My mother, I am sure, also raked in a few thank you's.

I am stuck with a bag I don't need and which I, thanks to my hoarding issue, can't but keep or rehome. I am very thankful indeed. *sarcasm off*

MY FAVORITE CLEAN UP APPROACH

For the last 4 days I have been attempting to clean up the patio. I wasn't very successful. Too many single socks and empty dishes for my liking. And don't get me started about the clothes pins that Luke likes to throw around. After a few fruitless attempts I finally had a break through today. I got myself a basket of laundry to fold and a few little helpers. While I was folding laundry I was bosing them around, telling them what to do. By the time I was done the only things left to do is dealing with a basket of  Mason jars that I won't be using any time soon, would hate to throw away, but am not sure what to do with. James churned them out of the garage on to the patio. And I have to wipe of the table. Other than that. DONE! I think I will just hide the mason jars in the basement, and tackle the table,then I can consider another room done. 

3 CONE DAY

The 10 pounds I lost over the last few weeks are back on. That might be due to the fact that I rate my days by the amount of ice cream I need to survive it. today was a 3 cone day.

I once again feel like all is lost. I had 2 really good days. And today is simply awful. I can't get off the couch. I don't want to move, I don't want to think. I don't want anyone to talk to me. James is gone, I am on my own.

Folding a load of laundry takes more energy than I think I have.

10 min feel like 10 hours.

Crying is no fun and gives you puffy eyes.

The kids practiced their dinner prepping skills and the kitchen is still messy.

I lost my to do list and feel I can't go on without it.

Ridiculous. I know.

I am in survival mode and the house shows.

Laundry. Here I come.

5 DAYS LATER

How far did I come? Well. I am proud to say that 5 days later we are almost through the girls' wardrobe. Never mind that half of that was done before I even started out on that new challenge. What happened? Well. Life happened.
Friday I opted for maintenance and baking a cake after 2 days of staring at the walls. Friday afternoon I had a call from the office wondering if my translation was done. I had a mini fit and told them if they want stuff translated they have to SEND IT TO ME. Needless to say I had it back to the office by 8:30 am Monday morning.
Saturday I had half a day of "therapy" hanging out a a friend's house. And when I say "half a day" I mean 12 hours. I was home around 2 am.
Heather is a bundle of efficiency seems to always be balancing at least 5 plates, is the only person I know that can be in 2 places at once and has a way of making me feel loved for who I am that I can't begin to understand.
Sunday after church we had a band drop off, a trip to my sisters for the girls' mini vacation at her house (3 hours round trip for poor James) Heather and her husband and son over for dinner cause at church as usual she jokingly asked what we'd be eating and if it is worth it to stop by. Matt made duck (yes, I was the "sous"-chef) and as it was his first time it all took a little longer. By the time Heather was gone it was late.
Today I sent James and Alex of for a 5 day camp. The girls were brought back with 1 hour notice as their cousin became really sick. I managed to translate another 3 pages this morning, taught Matt and his friend how to cook a new dish and did some maintenance. I passed out on the couch on the patio by 7 pm.
Never mind a 10 month old teething baby that is high maintenance at the moment.

I really shouldn't be surprised that I am not going anywhere with my project. Lets face it. I got a lot done. There was time in between to do more, I simply can't handle more and had to rest in between to stay happy.

To make sure I'll be happy tomorrow, too, I will go to bed now! 

14 DAYS

I am itching for another 14 day challenge. Considering that I am having serious trouble with the ROTM this sounds ridiculous. I guess it is the hyper focus that appeals to me. Do nothing but that one room. Easier not to get side tracked.

So here is the deal. I did 3 rooms so far, I should have 7. 3 more are started. I will just pretend I am on a 14 day challenge and play catch up. I am going full speed into August so if I am honest with myself I have 5 rooms that need to be done just to be where I ought to be.

So. Off I go. Girls room here I come!

MONDAY RANT

The title should be enough of a warning.

I don't like myself today. I am sick of myself.

• I am done being fat and messy. 
• I am done being depressed and tired.
• I am done reaching out without feeling heard or seen or understood. 
• I am done doing the same redundant tasks day after day after day. 
• I am done letting my husband carry all the burden and feeling sorry for myself.
• I am done being too stupid to keep an eye on the clock to pick up my child on time. 
• I am done prepping meals and cleaning up the stupid kitchen. 
• I am done being the only one in this house who actually gets rid of things for a change. 
• I am done running from myself.
• I am done feeling stuck.
• I am done crying.

Wait. no. I am not. I'll go cry some more. 

HAPPYNESS IS...

...having a backyard. I love it. I am not sure how I survived the 4 years of my life without one. Lots of trips to the park, but that is simply not the same.

I never thought I would find solace in planting vegetables, but it is such a fun process. I start my plants from "scratch" by putting the seeds in little containers on the window sill in March. I love watching the dirt and the excitement when the first break through.

Here are a few things I learned from it about myself:

• I love starting things but have a hard time sticking with them. More then once, my plants stopped growing or even died, because I never got around to putting them into larger pots our outside.
• Redundant tasks are not for me. Weed? AGAIN?!?
• I expect to fail. This year, like many years before, I had too many plants and didn't know where to put them. AS I expected them not to survive I planted them rather close together. I also planted pumpkin, figuring they wouldn't grow. Now I have my very personal pumpkin jungle
• I get bored fast. This year's harvest isn't in yet and I am already plotting about what to seed and when next year.

Say hello to my tomatoes!

WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE TO YOU?

I am not sure if I told you about a certain bunch of women in my social circles. They have never been mean to me face to face. They always tell me how awesome I am. Most of them have been to my house for dinner or parties. At least half of them like to throw the "we have to get together and do something" at me on occasion.  And every time they do get together they "forget" to invite me. Our community is small and word would and does get around. My big issue was that they would discuss their parties in front of me without ever inviting me. One time they were sitting on my patio, eating my food. Talking about how much fun they had last time and how much they are looking forward to next time. 3 of them. With me there. RUDE!

It used to make me sad. I would cry and ask myself:"Why don't they like me?"

For a while I thought I was over it. But I think I only thought so cause I just never heard about their parties anymore. My friend Heather said they are not having them at the moment. Now one of them is moving away and they are going out to dinner. Heather asked me if I got a FB message from a certain someone. No indeed I did not. "Oh, never mind then." "Oh, do tell, I don't care," I said. Yes. Farewell dinner at a restaurant. With everyone BUT me it looks like.

Again.

I guess I do care.

The kids were in bed. I was weeding. For the first time I wasn't sad. This time I was angry. "What have I ever done to you," I asked. I kept pulling weeds. Then I wondered if I was asking the wrong questions. Maybe I should ask:"What have I ever done FOR you?"

"Nothing," I thought, "I have never done anything for you." I kept weeding. Then I thought:"I invited you for Thanksgiving dinner and you canceled the day before and left me without pies. Because you had so much homework. I gave you 2 dressers. I gave you kitchen ware and drinking glasses. Here we go again. Why on earth is everybody short on drinking glasses? I gave you a wardrobe and spent an evening putting it together for you, cause neither you, nor your husband knows how to handle power tools. I had you over for dinner and you were one of the 3 mentioned in the first paragraph."

Maybe I am still asking the wrong questions. Maybe the real questions are:"Why does this bother me so much? Why can't I let it go?"

I think I'll go and pull more weeds. That at least yields results!

WEEDING

My neighbor spotted me pulling some weeds in my front yard and told me that she always did that right after it rained. Cause then the dirt is moist and soft and the weeds just kind of slip out with a little tug. How awesome. Sorry. Can't appreciate that kind of input at the moment. I have 3 times as many kids as she does, plus more of mine are younger hers, than she has total. 

I am sure there is a perfect time for weeding. Like an overcast morning right after it rained, to avoid the heat, the wet, the dust. But guess what. The perfect time to weed for me is when I actually have time AND the desire to do it. And let me tell you. When the weeds are higher than you are, it is definitely not the WRONG time. 

I wish I had taken before and after picks. You'd be SO impressed! I cut the roses back 4 feet in some places. They were so overgrown that they had to grow 3 feet just to get some sunlight. And even though they had to put that much energy into growing the bloomed like crazy. I hope the will be able to put even more of their energy into new blossoms.

I came across some discourage peonies that were so overgrown I didn't even see them at first. I pulled out weeds that were taller then me. I saved pumpkin from the strangle hold of some ivy-grape-look-a-like. I hope the tomatoes will appreciate the extra sunlight and that the pumpkin won't mind that I encouraged it to grow away from the tomatoes instead of over it.

I know the lemon balm will forgive me for pulling it out with the rest to make life easier for me and will just be back next year. Or sooner. I think I pulled out a cubic meter of weeds. 

I am awesome! 

GLASS RECYCLING

Lets talk about the recycling "incident" one more time. It wasn't over just because I passed them and didn't save the glasses. I had to go past them AGAIN to pick up Luke. On the way back from school I heard the glass recycling truck so I thought I was save. But guess what. I might have heard the truck but it hadn't been on my street yet. 

Not only were the drinking glasses still there, but I noticed that the box one house down had drinking glasses in it, too! Nicer looking ones even. Do you know how hard it was to keep going? I could have been a hero! New glasses for free! I am not sure how I made it past them. I guess I picked up my pace. 

I just looked ahead and kept walking. My desire to acquire (oh that rhymes very nicely) grew even stronger. Just 3 houses from the safety of my own home I saw the cutest vase in one of the boxes, I think I already started reaching for it when I noticed it was broken.  LUCKY ME!

The real question is:"Why am I scanning boxes full of trash?" Obviously my subconscious is looking for treasure. Something deep inside of me is hoping to find something worth saving. I can't explain it any other way. Why would you scan boxes full of recycling unless you thought there was something in it you considered worth getting out?


Editors note: Glass was out again last week. I spotted more drinking glasses. HAHAHA!

A GLIMMER OF HOPE

I found this draft today. I wish I could say I still feel this way. I don't. But I guess that is the problem with depression. Resurfacing is a journey not a one time experience. I need to sit down and evaluate what went differently a few weeks ago, I really do want to feel like this again:

I am not sure what happened. Hope is back. I am happier, more relaxed. I deal with stress better. Maybe my 6-8 month depression cycle is simply up. Or maybe it is all the extra sunlight i am getting with the days getting longer again.

James was sick last week. So was I. This is what went on Thursday.

I had 1 child home sick from school with potential stomach bug. James spaced his dental appointment. (that's the 3rd appointment we have spaced in 3 months, yikes). This meant that I had to go to the dentist so they could read Matt's health insurance card before it is too late, which THEY forgot last time he went. I had to do the piano run and of course the guy with the heating oil delivery that should have happened 3 weeks ago showed up 2 min before I wanted to leave, and yes, I had completely forgotten about it. I realized my washer is dead (great when the kids are puking. Simply great). I supervised homework with the rest, read with them, the doorbell rang, yes Alex forgot about his music lessons, so I rushed him back into town so he got at least 15 of the 30 min. We planted some of or vegetable seeds. By 11 pm the sick child finally puked. Across the room of course.

Here is what I didn't do.

- I did NOT turn to comfort eating
- I did NOT cry
- I did NOT yell at anyone

Here is what I did. I used my waiting time until pickup after music lessons for 2 10 min power walks. I went on a walk with Luke, even though it was getting dark cause he really, really, really wanted to go outside again. I held his little hand and talked and talked even though I think he didn't understand me. I told myself that I did a good job not only mastering this day but mastering it happy and calmly.

There. Hope.

THURSDAY! AT LAST!

Do you have those weeks? That seem to have at least on extra day? There is so much going on again at the moment. I want to curl up and sleep. Or cry. I know I have an easy life. No one is seriously ill. We are off well. We live in peace. Why is it so hard to cope? What is wrong with our society that we can't be happy anymore? I look at my friends and see them silently falling apart. All those wonderful women think they are losers. They think they don't do enough. The feel like they fail at everything they do.

I don't want to feel like that. Just yesterday James told me that I am not failing,that I am doing great and that I do many things. I still feellike I am failing. I really don't want to feel like that. I took the afternoon off. I sat on the patio, played with the baby, chatted with a friend, watched the kids play in the kiddie pool. Life is so good. I just need to slow down and enjoy it. 

A HOARDER'S NIGHTMARE

I think I told you about our plans to expand the attic and add 2 rooms up there? Well. Guess what. Those plans really are taking shape and today the architect who will make the plans showed up. He told me he needed to measure the attic. Last week he mentioned that he would be here for about 3-4 hours but that he would need nothing from me he would just take his measurements. I asked James why on earth measuring the attic would take so long and his explanation was:"I guess he will just measure every corner." Stupid me swallowed that. 

I had a bad day yesterday. Things didn't go as planned. In theory I would have had more time to get things done but in real life that simply didn't happen as I was frozen and could not adapt to the change of plans. So today I got a bit of work in before the architect showed up. But far from enough and I decided I will just shut the doors to all the bedrooms and he can measure the attic.

So *dingdong* there he is. First thing he tells me:"I will need to take a few pictures." As if that had not been mortifying enough next thing he tells me that he can't just draw plans with just the attic, he will need to measure every single room in the house. Yes. Every. Single. Room. EVERY! SINGLE! STINKING! ROOM! I was mortified. Besides hoping to die on the spot, or for the ground to split and swallow me whole, there was not much I could do. Sure enough he didn't start with the attic, but with the messy house. He never made it to the attic. He ran out of time. He will be back next week.

I am not sure if this is my chance to redeem myself or if the third visit to my completely cluttered house will seal my fate and ruin my reputation forever. That's what you get for hiring people you know instead of complete strangers.

I wish I had a clean house and cleared attic by next Wednesday. SO. NOT. HAPPENING. *sigh*

WILL LIFE EVER BE NORMAL?

I had a bad day. A very bad day. I started it crying, feeling low. I ended it talking to the police about a stolen bike. Alex lost his key. Obviously someone found it. Took the bike for a ride across town, dumped it. My husband found it. And now that we are putting all the pieces together it seems that the kids who took it chatted with him about having seen the bike abandoned on the path and they were kind enough to put it up by the fence. I found the lock, right where the bike used to be. Unfortunately the key hasn't surfaced. Seriously if you take my son's bike and manage to break things in the less than 2 hours you had it. Can't you at least return the key to my house? Our are you planning to stop and check if I have laptops, phones and other stuff lying around? Our prime suspect had the nerve to help look for the key and offered to bring it by in case he found it. I told him it would do just fine if he dropped it off at the police station. May they catch him next time.

The police just called me. As I found the lock open and I know it was locked around 4 pm they are treating it as a theft (including all the paperwork). They made me retrieve the lock that we threw away where we found it, and I have to come in to write up a report. I am just "thrilled". I think I will take the bike in, too. Just in case. I have watched enough CSI to know what to do. HAHAHA

If there is a special purgatory for bike thieves, I shall volunteer to shovel coal to keep it burning for 5 years. 1 year for every bike that has been stolen from us in this town. Oh wait. Make that 6 years. One for every bike that was stolen since we got married.

Editors note: Make that 7....

AOSKDHGP OIRAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I had a bad day. Don't expect any witty headlines from me. Don't expect anything from me. I feel like I got nothing accomplished. I hate those days. No matter how much or how little I did, I feel like I haven't done enough. And then my friend who gets 10 times as much accomplished as I do calls me and tells me she is such a loser. Oh well. Join the club. 

I did ship off my box of sold books and got rid of a bag of clothes. And I helped Matt sort through a few things. I don't think we got rid of anything. But at least it is not in a pile anymore. Oh well. Tomorrow is a new day. Here is to feeling better tomorrow. 

FRIDGE PSYCHOLOGY

So I took a long look at my fridge. guess what. I think the clutter on my fridge represents the clutter in my home pretty well. 

Whats on my fridge?

• A birth announcement. It's a cute little card. I am sure it cost a bit of money. Even though I have no emotional attachment to the child, it's a friend's grandchild I feel I have to keep I wouldn't properly honor my friend's joy and it would be a wast to throw away the card. 
• A teacher's note on how to properly do the "mascot diary". Their class has a mascot and the kids take turns taking it home. And of course you have to write a report. It went up on the fridge so I wouldn't lose it.
• Appointment slips: I do write my appointments down in the calendar, but I keep them on the fridge, too, in the hopes of it improving my chances of not  forgetting about them
• Cards from friends. Usually funny stuff. Definitely sentimental value. 
• 2 more school related pieces of paper
• A picture of me from slimmer times. (Not photo shopped)
• A note from the music teacher, wanting to reschedule classes, this too, stayed up as a reminder. 
• 2 photos of children
• a dinner plan (uhm yes, I really need to work on that)
• a sheet with kids chores, so last season and I am not sure why it is there

So lets sum this up. There is stuff that I think I can't throw away, even though I don't want it. There is stuff that I think will help me get organized, but more often then not I can't find it. At least 4 pieces of paper on the fridge were out of date.

So what did I get rid of? I tossed the out of date notes and reminders, the "baby" (that was the hardest) and one of the "sentimental" cards. (the one with the smallest emotional attachment).

What is my personal conclusion? 

• I need a better system to stay on top of appointments, so I worry less about missing them.
• I have to stay "up to date".
• Sentimental stuff is okay, as long as it stays with in a certain limit.
• My fridge needs to be washed down.   

YOUR FRIDGE

The other day I read an article about clutter. Whoever did this little survey/study had the brilliant idea to compare the front of the fridge with the rest of the house. They came to the interesting conclusion that the more stuff you have on the front of the fridge the more clutter is congesting your house. I found it all very interesting until I came to the conclusion of the article and read their solution. 

Clear the front of your fridge! Seriously? What a bunch of morons! That is like recommending to photo shop your hips if you want to lose weight.

I understand the idea. But lets face it. Your fridge is a mere reflection of your "organizing style". I really want to have a clutter free house. So I started pulling stuff of my fridge. Very reluctantly I must admit. I stopped after 2 things. I took a step back and took a good look at my fridge. It was a light bulb moment. Only 20 watts or so, no more, but still. 

To be continued... 

I DID IT

I survived 12 days as a single mom with 6 kids. We only messed up on piano. the rest got done and quite a bit more. Like starting school with Luke which was not on the agenda just 1 month ago. Or getting everything ready for passports next week. Somehow it feels like James never was gone. Somehow everything is a little awkward and we need to find our family rhythm again.

James and I wondered if we could plan a night out together next week but the only semi free night is Tuesday. He is optimistic, but somehow I don't see it happening.

I think I will just have to stick with 1 day at a time for the next few weeks. I must admit that getting things done as soon as possible helps a lot.

I think I will just stick with detailed daily plans until things slow down a little.

24 HOURS

24 more hours. Admist all of yesterday's chaos and the excitment of finally finding clothes for Luke and having him at school looking sharp as they got their pictures taking today, and impromtu play date in teh morning with another mom, nasty heat and requests to put up the kiddie pool I forgot about Ella'S piano lesson. Mind you. This is the first time I messed up in all of 11 days and instead of being proud of myself of having done so well I beat myself up over not being perfect. First Ithought it was because I forgot to put it down. But guess what. I was on today's list of things to do. All the way up top even, I guess I got careless casue things went so smoothly.

Oh well. I think I am over it. I did by that binder I passed up last week. Maybe that fixed it. I did well. I did really well. I made her practise for 30 min to make up for the missed lesson. I will go to bed now. 24 hours. I can do it.

COMFORT SHOPPING

I never considered myself a shopper. Here is why. I hate shopping. I hate comparing prices. I hate having to decide on a brand. Should I go for cheap, or pay a little more and hope it is better quality? Shopping means decisions, and I am not good at those. Every now and then I have to go shopping. Usually James goes, as he actually enjoys it, even grocery shopping.

Today I went. Mostly because I wanted to get rid of all the cans and bottles with a deposit on them, they were blocking my hall. I had 2 things on my list. Bathroom cleaner and hand soap. Well. I got the bathroom cleaner. I also got a little beach tent, 3 water bottles, I did pass up the sunglasses and the cute folders. I really want the one with the fruit on it. What could I need a new folder for? I could diss the plain blue one I have for my translations. Great idea. Someone always needs plain blue one for school. What else did I get. I don't even think I got all that much, but just the fact that I had 2 items on my list, only got one of them and still ended up with a full trunk, speaks volumes about my shopping style.  I got some food ( good thing I skipped the chocolate aisle). I got diapers. Well. I guess except for the tent and the bottles all those items will be used, but fact is, they were not on the list and I could have done without them a few more days. 

I ended up being 3 min late to pick up the girls from dance class. And I think this is the real problem. Risking being late so I wouldn't miss a deal? Ouch. Even if I wasn't activly risking it. I got sidetracked and ended up late. I am afraid I'll go back for the folders...

BACK TO NORMAL

As ridiculous as it sounds, it seems I had a better grip on life when I was on my own. There is something about being soley in charge that keeps you focused.

What have I achieved so far? House is semi okay. I not only identified some bags in the basement that might be "chuckable", I also went through them and threw out about half. I sold more books, they are ready to be shipped off.

Sometimes I think I can see improvements. Then I look into my worst room and I am not so sure anymore.

FALLING APART

I am officially starting to fall apart. Things went a lot better than expected until Sunday. Monday morning it was obvious that I had started to fray. As of this morning I am officially falling apart. It is still more than 80 hours. How on earth am I to survive 80 endless hours with all the things I should do and a baby that thinks waking up mommy in the middle of the night is a fun sport? To  make matters worse the gas tank light just lit up when I reparked the car. I hate having to get gas. I am clinging to my daily lists but today I even started crossing things off that weren't done yet and vice versa. Friday. Please. If you hear me...come quickly!

DEAR RACHEL!

2 years ago you taught me how important it is to "make time for action".  I can't stress this enough. It seems to be one of the key elements of succeeding with decluttering. Over the last couple of weeks I got bags of clothing together that I wanted to pass on to different people "someday". Well guess what. "Someday" just like "tomorrow" never comes. In the end I had a pile of bags in the hall that were constantly in the way and I was too tired to pick them apart. Especially cause picking  them apart resulted in taking things out again.
I decided that I will just forget about getting them to their "proper destination" as one person moved, and the other is really picky about what she wants anyway. They will all go in the donation box at the end of the street.
Next problem was that I refuse to drive such a short distance, but that I can't really take them all at once.

Solution: Bring a bag every time I go for school pick up or drop off!

Thanks to you I know I need to make time for action!

GOOD DEED OF THE DAY

I had a bad day. 3.5 hours of sleep, nap rudely cut short in the morning by Mr Grumpy, hot and humid, I was sweating all day long and because I was so tired I didn't really get anything done. A few things could have gone really wrong in the early evening and I was as mad as if they had. I know. Stupid. It's just that it is the same problem over and over again and I am sick and tired of being apologized to. I want things to change. One more "I am sorry" about this and I will punch someone. 

On the way back home I saw what looked like a wallet on the street. I told Alex, that I wanted to turn around and get it and return it to the owner. He was wondering why. "It' to late," he said, " we passed it already." I told him I had a crappy day and it would improve my day to save somebody else's. So we turned around, went back. Sure enough. A wallet. 150 bucks in it. ID, credit cards, you name it. Fortunately we also found a name and address.

I ring the door bell. 
A guy answers. 
"Are you John Doe?"
"Yes, I am."
"I am here to brighten your day!"
A puzzled look.
I hold out his wallet.
Slowly.
Recognition.
Surprise!
He hadn't even missed it yet.

He insisted on rewarding me and gave me a 50. I refused to take it and said I would take no more than a 10. He said he had no tens and gave me a 20. Back with Alex I said:"When you counted you counted 100, 110, 120 and so on. There was a ten in that wallet, wasn't there?" "At least 6," was his reply.

Hahaha. The guy lied to me! What a day.

SOOTHING OFFICE SUPPLIES

Oh. Get a life. So I bought office supplies. My husband is out of town for 12 days for crying out loud. And I already passed them up last time. I only bought 2 packs of folder divider sets (2 per package) totally justifiable because I am down to 2 packages in the basement. Well. Okay. So a total unnecessary purchase, but the colors where nice and at least the stuff doesn't take up much room and will be used for school "someday". I stayed clear of the pens and all the cool paper I should get some credit for that!

WORKING HARD

I had a list of rooms to clear last night. Guess what. I didn't even make it through half of it. I had 3 h 45 min to work. I probably wasted at least 45 min on the phone and chatting doing nothing. I spent 30 min on laundry instead of 10 and those rooms where simply more work than I expected.

I finished the first room. The guest room. I thought I had 2 weeks to prep it, but it turned out it needs to be done by tomorrow 11 am. I meant to leave the vacuuming to the cleaning fairy, but ended up doing it myself. It only needs bedding now, than it is all the way done. Oh wait. At least for this guest, it will need some more prepping and clearing of shelf space for guest #2 who is staying a lot longer.

The second room I worked on was the bedroom of my girls. That room is such a night mare. I ended up only picking trash and broken stuff out, discarded it and put things in baskets and boxes attempting to pre sort it. I had every intention of a 6 am wake up call (that happened) and going through the stuff before school. That kind of didn't happen. I forgot that Ella has early start and I highly overestimated how fit I would feel myself. In the end Marie did a few things half heartedly, Ella was sent off to practice reading and I focused on not yelling at anyone. 

I dreamt about doing it in the afternoon, but of course that never happened. Somehow I doubt it will ever happen and that room will just return to it's terrible state and it will all have been in vain. 

ON MY OWN

Once again I am on my own. James is on a 12 day business trip to China. I can't believe I said it would be just fine if he went. Truth be said "Oh sure. Go ahead," was meant to have a sarcastic twinge, but that doesn't carry too well via email. Things started of well. 20 of the 272 hours are over already. It might not be obvious to outsiders, but I can tell my stress levels are up.

Living up to my word to take the clothes to the donation box only happened, because I put them in the hall and they took up so much room that I could not get by with the stroller. Otherwise I would have forgotten about them again, even though they were in plain sight. 

I manged to take 3 bags with me. On the way there I passed the glass collection boxes. And wouldn't you know it. One contained drinking glasses. Just on Sunday I talked to a friend of mine who is a student, that she needed more drinking glasses. I resisted the urge to pick them out. The fact that they were bulky and ugly made it easier, but it was a conscious effort. 

I heard the collection truck on the way back (falling glass makes an awful lot of noise especially when it lands on top of more glass) and thought I was safe. Once I realized they had not been to that street yet, I crossed over to the other side to stay as far away from those glasses as possible. I must admit that I did longingly stare at the box. I didn't see the glasses, but I knew they were there. 

A clip in my head started rolling, me, saving the glasses from the box, getting them out of the dishwasher. all sparkly to present to the new owner, AAAAAHHHHH! I picked up speed to get away from there. 

Fortunately a few steps further down the road a bag of clothes with a flyer attached to it caught my attention. Curb side collection! Yeah! I checked the flyer. TODAY! Sure enough I had one in my mailbox, too, that I had never bothered to get out. 

5 min later the clothes from the car and the ones still in the house were out on the curb with the flyer attached. 

ALL the clothes gone AND I RESISTED the urge to acquire! I am AWESOME!

ROTM - JUNE

I just checked my blog stats. One of the most read articles is titled ROTM. YIKES !!! I totally forgot about that concept. I guess if I wanted to jinx myself I would pick Ella's and Marie's room as I tend to not get around to the room I picked originally. The mere thought of a ROTM makes me shudder.

Oh. Wouldn't you know it. I just checked. Girls' room was ROTM in JANUARY! It just never got done.

I'll just do the guest room. This is the only room I feel I can get done!

STAR WARS VS STAR TRECK

Have you ever participated in the endless discussion of which is better? Star Wars or Star Trek? Well. It's official. The buyers have spoken. The verdict is in. Don't take this too hard dear Trekkies.

When it comes to VHS tapes, Star Wars sells. Star Treck does not. We win!

And how would I know? Because I had both in my boxes of VHS tapes. I did throw out 2 Trekkie tapes with the first batch and started panicking when I sold 1 on the third batch. I was about to dig them out of the trash. GROSS, I KNOW! But it was worth something! Don't you understand?
I then remembered that the paper covers where in the recycling bin, I got them out and punched in their ISBN numbers just to find out they were worth NOTHING! Probably just as well as I am afraid I might have dug them out of the trash. I know, TERRIBLE! Only 1 Trekkie tape sold. Every single Star Wars tape sold. Point made.

MISSING IN ACTION

Tuesday night when I put out our trash I was a little disappointed.out of 5 people I was the only one who had it out. I had hoped they would all be out as 2 of the neighbors had been on vacation and I had my hopes up they would put half empty bins out on the curb. 

Wednesday morning brought a lovely surprise as one neighbor put out a basically empty trash can. I quickly got my left over trash and but it in. Still more than have empty! I was so excited and ran up to the attic in the hopes of finding enough to not waste this opportunity. No obvious trash! I started peeking into boxes. YIKES! A whole box full of stinking VHS tapes! OF course I couldn't just toss them. I frantically started entering ISBN numbers. And believe it or not, the stuff was selling! After selling 3 I could not stop and had to enter them all. I worked as fast as I could.

10 min after I had dumped the tapes into the neighbors trash can I heard the dump truck! I had 2 or 3 DvDs left that didn't sell. Progress people. Serious progress. 3 boxes less to deal with in the attic!

Oh. Captain Ramius and Red October are still missing in action I wish I could be a little more like Jack Ryan. OR even better. Jonesy!

BYE BYE VHS TAPES!

Once I decided that the tapes will all go into the bin it was hard to not run out and dump them right away. I decided to wait as I would rather be left with a few tapes for the next load of trash than with food scraped of plates that has no where to go. It was hard for me and I finally decided that second to last day is good enough. With Pickup early Wednesday morning everything else can sit in the bins in the house for a day if needs be.

So I stuffed them.

Will you look at that. Completely full. Yet, not overflowing. A perfect fit. Yes, I had to pull of the paper covers and put them in the recycling bin. As I did that right away, I figured it is okay.

Here. Proof: 

There is just one problem. I have not come across "The Hunt for Red October" There is no way that I parted with it previously. I really hope it is still at my parents house. Because if it isn't, it is hiding in my attic and there is no way it would be on it's own. It would be with at least 30 friends and this would start all over again!

ATTIC PROGRESS

I am happy to say that I am making progress. Yes. I still need to throw each piece out individually. Yes. It would be so much faster if I could just take one quick glimpse and throw out the whole lot. No, that is not going to happen any time soon.

I went into the attic, opened a box and started throwing things out. I lasted longer than I thought. I also got more out than I thought I would. Unfortunately you can't really tell a difference as the box is still there. It only contains half as much as before, but it is still there. 

A lot of things went that I could not bring myself to toss before. Lots of Fast food chain toys. One would think we eat there once a week. 

I filled up a small carrier bag and got it right out of the house as the trash can was empty. Now it I could only get myself to do this twice a week I'd see progress!

VHS TAPES

I was tempted to say that VHS tapes were "so last season" but I am afraid that's DvDs. And VHS is so much older. A year ago I had a few potential takers still, but when I casually dropped the word on social media about getting rid of them, no one volunteered to give them a new home. I got the message. Thank you. So it is good bye for good. Thanks for the great stories. 

I wanted to keep 1 tape (the one that has our wedding on it) and was a little worried about having to dig through the 2 boxes and whether or not that would shake my determination to get rid of them. I opened the first box and wouldn't you know it. The wedding tape was the first I touched. I took it as a sign.

The next obstacle was that I still nursed the hope that the dumpster divers might pick them up. So I wanted to set them out on the street tonight. I transferred them to card bord boxes and happend to come across Lord Vader. 

For the fun of it I entered the ISBN on the site I use to sell books and wouldn't you know it. They pay me 3.50 for it! I'll take it. Greedy me immediately assumed that there was a fortune to make and I started entering other numbers. Well. After 3 I gave up. Some of these tapes are old enough to not even have an ISBN number. I am proud of myself for stopping after three and some good came from it after all. Nicole's full name and address, yes Nicole, hand me down VHS tapes from YOU! were on the tape. So I scraped them off. 

Now here is the grand ending to the story. Luke abused the tapes as building blocks, he had permission. So after I had written the last paragraph I started to put the tapes back into their individual boxes and found yet another sticker with Nicole's name on it. As I started scraping it off, I thought:"This is totally ridiculous!". It really is. I just grabbed the rest of the tapes and boxes, threw them in a box to collect them and on Tuesday night they are going in the big trash can and that is it. No hoping  that some random soul will rescue them. Even if tow of them are still in their original cellophane wrapping. IT IS NOT WORTH MY TIME! Now THAT is progress!

FACING THE PAIN

I hate feeling stupid. I guess nobody likes feeling stupid. I hate it. When I feel stupid I usually make things worse by telling myself just how stupid I am. I think that might also be the reason why I don't want to face the attic. Everything up there that needs to go is basically a wrong decision. It should have been tossed months or actually years ago but I parked it up there. So every time I threw something out I have to admit I made a stupid decision back then.

I have come to terms with it in as much as the stupid decision was made whether or not I deal with it now. The only thing to make it worse is to postpone dealing with it even more. I have decided I am strong enough to face it now. Actually I decided that about 3 weeks ago and it took until now to actually do it. I picked out a few random things that were thrown into the trash I have upstairs and hauled down 2 boxes full of VHS tapes. Yes. VHS tapes. Next destination. Trash.

MY DAILY BATTLE

How on earth am I to declutter if just half a day of not keeping up on daily chores makes my house look as if it blew up and I haven't done a thing in  3 weeks? It is so frustrating. I really am struggling with this. I used to start upstairs in our bedroom, but then, when we switched rooms with the girls I never really was able to keep it up. I know I have whined about this before. I have finally decided to completely turn things around and just start downstairs. Since the cleaning lady started things have been more under control down here and I think it is the only way to go. Wish me luck and asked me how it went in July.

SMALL VICTORIES

I finally managed to get the Easter stuff back into the attic. As I was up there I started looking through things. And I started throwing things away. Thing I would have kept for sure or lets face it, things I kept and never thought about throwing away like zip lock bags that could be reused and all kind of other things. Today, I simply threw them out. They were dusty. They probably made it into the house as packaging but for sure they could be useful some other time. Well. Seems like this other time never came and today they left the house. I filled up a tiny bag of trash. Found more stuff to donate. Once I realized I was churning more and more I simply stopped, gathered my trash and went back downstairs.

It felt good. I parted with stuff, it wasn't hard. I realized when my "throwing away energy" was used up and made sure I woulds not get frustrated and simply stopped. And then I focused on the things achieved in that time and not on feelings of failure for not doing "more" or for not having an organized approach to this.

As you see I have come along way. And I will go even further!

ROTM - MAY

Room of the month for MAY will be the kitchen. And yup. It's done. Cupboards emptied, cleaned, reorganized. Declutterd. Yes, no worries. To be honest. There was not much clutter and I pride myself in still having shelves that are basically empty. I might still be working on the January and February rooms, but I believe I just earned myself  2 extra weeks for those!

How on earth did I pull this one off you wonder? Well, 2 days of hard work and some cleaning fairy magic of course!

ROTM - APRIL

I almost forgot about the room of the month! YIKES! But I remembered in time and decided to take the easiest room to keep the stress at bay. Easiest at the moment was upstairs bathroom. I did a quick declutter and cleaning of the cabinet, looked at the the bottles standing around to see if any where empty and left the deep clean to the cleaning fairy. Voila. DONE!

Editors note: I never posted this!

TIME LAPSE

My life feels like I am watching a time lapse movie. Anytime I blink a day is up. I have been crazy busy, rather successful with most things unless you consider household chores and decluttering goals, oops, but I have kept all appointments, had fun with the kids doing things they like and in general am doing better getting the things done that I feel are important. 

Thanks to the cleaning fairy the house is slightly improving. I am stubborn  enough to nto do a single thing she can do at the moment as I think it is key to really keep her busy the 3.5 hours she is here every week and for me to make progress sin other areas. I still need to work on getting enough sleep.

Over all I think things are going so much better than just a few weeks ago. I have also learned to be a little nicer to myself. To acknowledge the things I do and worry less about what is left to do.  

I had a few attempts at blogging but never finished my posts. I do hope to still get them to you in the near future!

Life might not be perfect, but it's good none the less!

COMFORT ACQUIRING

Comfort acquiring is like comfort eating. But instead of eating you get stuff. That's what I did today. After some serious comfort eating yesterday. After I had dropped the kids off and my gaze wandered across the public book shelf pulling out of the parking lot, I got back out of the car and and looked through the books. I took 3. One for the kids to read, one for me to read and one that I think I can sell. In my defense I would like to add that I put 3 other books that I had picked also, back. And I was fully aware of what I was doing. I realized that I am getting these books not because I needed them, or particularly wanted them, but because I felt the urge to take something home. To acquire something. I made the conscious decision to take books home, I gave myself permission. In the hope that it would keep me from eating more chocolate. I am afraid it only worked partially.                                                                                                                     

MARZIPAN

Maybe the following can explain how my little hoarder brain works. I found Marzipan in the kitchen It had expired 2 years ago. But then you know. Marzipan sometimes is still good. Then again it might not be, but you know the second you open the package. The problem is, that I couldn't open the package. What if it was still good? Then I would have to use it. I had not time for that. It took a few days to convince myself that it most likely wasn't good anymore. So the sensible thing would be to throw it away. But then on the other hand. I could still use it to practice a few things. Expired or not. ARGH! How stupid is that? I mean obviously it is the sensible thing to do. Right? Waste nothing.

I got more and more irritated every time I looked at it. I finally grabbed all for packages and through them in the trash. 

I felt a sense of relief. Relief, that I gave myself permission to not check twice and not use it to get the maximum out of it. Simply toss it because it was expired. So it took me 10 day. But hey. In the end I did it!

I AM HAPPY

Today was a good day. I am almost caught up. I did most of what I set out to do. The cleaning fairy for once was faster than expected. What more could I ask for. Oh well, a few things, but for once I will be content with what got done.I did silly chores, like wash windows, but it kept me working. I decided I shall see it as a good sign that I don't insist that this is the finishing touch for a clean room.

Now, if I can only get myself to start ironing I might just be able to work off the 50 min that are left on the clock still. 

MY WELL PLANNED DAY

went down the drain when my upset neighbour called me at 7:30 am with an school issue. The rest of the morning was spent calming her down, making a plan and seeing the head master. Somehow in between I managed to cook lunch and run 2 loads of laundry, but only because my first load was in before 7 am. I could once more not call the therapist, because after shoving around the piece of paper with the number for weeks I finally lost it, the day I am ready to make the call.  I skipped eating lunch to run off to a doc appointment with Ella and by the time I was back it was 5 pm and I was exhausted.

I challenged a friend last night who is in a similar emotional place as I am at the moment to see who would go longer without crying today. I cried by 12:45 pm and still won. 

I'll go to bed now. My friend and I have decided to just pretend it is Monday and start over tomorrow morning. 

APRIL FOOLS

My week was so bad that I totally forgot to post my little April's fools day post. Today was bad, too. I am feeling a little better, but everything seemed super hard. I kept going none the less. I have to keep telling myself that I will do just one more thing. And then keep going. Depression stinks. I am glad that I have James and the kids. They keep me going. Nothing like a little one beaming at you just because you walk into the room. I'll feel better. Soon.

HARD WEEK

I've had a hard week.I was emotionally low. I craved sugar and I wanted to do nothing but sleep. I feel like I can never climb out of this hole and I have to keep telling myself that I will, just not today.

I made the mistake of reading an article about habits of successful people and I feel even worse. 

I am strong. I am determined. I will tackle the laundry.

EASTER 2016

Happy Easter! This morning of glory that brings hope to all of them he believe in Him has come again. I am glad we celebrate every year. Not only because I love the message of the risen Messiah, but also because with memorable repetitive dates like Easter, Christmas, birthday we  can look back and see how far we have come in a year. 

I swear a year ago I blogged about not being able to throw ot the dye for the Easter eggs. As I thought it might still be "useful". A mental post I assume. But guess what. No problems like that this year. We can change. Maybe just a little at a time but looking back we will see just how much we have changed over an extended period of time!

ENDURING VS ENJOYING

Why is it so hard to enjoy things right now? I went for a walk, beautiful weather and 3 of my children with me, yet I ended up sitting on a bench crying. Maybe I should have left the children at home. So I could have gone at my own pace. But than I would have felt bad for not taking them. A friend of mine has a different philosophy. She says:"The parents were there first. The children came later. Therefore the children's needs come after the parent's needs." Well. Yes. I can see how you draw that conclusion. But I invited these children to join my family. For the fulfillment of many of their needs they depend on me. There has to be balance in my opinion. And priorities. For many times I went walking Mo-Fr. At 6 am. First with a friend, then by myself, then with another friend. It was possible cause I was selfish and went to bed at 10 pm. I told James I  was not going to watch another movie or show as I needed my sleep so I would get up at 6 am to walk. I have been attempting to walk again at 6 am. But merely trying to get out of bed at 6 is the wrong approach. Getting to bed at 10 pm is the way to do it. I'll be selfish and stop watching that much TV. Take last night. We saw a movie I didn't care much about. The plot was boring and I was blogging and on FB with the movie running on the side. I would have been better off in bed. Bevor we started the movie I was looking for my laptop and couldn't find it. Thought without my laptop I won't watch anything. There you go. I don't even want to watch it. Curfew 10 pm. I can do this.

And hopefully soon I will be able to enjoy things again.

SICK, 3rd WEEK

I am so done being sick. Every time I think I am over this strange cold it comes back. Today it decided to settle in my sinuses and cause a head ache. I can barely do maintenance like that, never mind decluttering. It also caused a very bad mood. I am SO DONE tripping over things. I am so done watching piles grow in random places. Seriously. How do other people deal with life? Is it this hard for everyone? I thought I was getting a grip on things but being under the weather constantly is not helping.

WHAT NOW?

After officially being diagnosed the big question is:"What will I do about it?" Well, for one I will stop letting depression jerk me around. Everybody says I am strong. Let's see it. I have been on a few walks lately. I have also told myself when I felt like crying that this wasn't me. It didn't always stop me from crying, but it helped me get over it faster and it also helped me to keep going. 

It is what it is, but it doesn't have to stay this way. I wonder if taking care of oneself is as easy a task as the others make it sound.

I am tired. I am so tired I am cross eyed. the baby was fussy, Luke threw up all over the place, and yes when the poor little soul drenched in vomit had to throw up again the moment I got him to the bathroom I let him sit there and ran for cover. 3 am is not a good time to be puke on. No time ever is. James has been feeling under the weather all week. I did most of the taxi rides for the kids, I went shopping today, I cooked today and prepped the slow cooker meal for tomorrow, I could go on and on with what last week did to wear me out but I will stop boring you to death and go to bed. Tomorrow is a new day.

OFFICIALLY DIAGNOSED

A few weeks back I was officially diagnosed with depression. Didn't come as a big surprise to be honest. Once again it was liberating. That overwhelmed person, too tired, so exhausted, is not me. The immense need for sleep? Even during the day? A symptom! My insane craving for sweets? Another symptom!

None the less I needed to let this settle for a bit before I "told the world". Matter of fact, I think I already told my 2 faithful readers. Why not tell straight away? Well. I am okay with suffering form depression. I am just not sure my surroundings will be. Why should I care? Well. Because for too many of them depression and suicide come hand in hand. Not for me. I have not once considered taking my own life. Self harm? Well, if you count overeating yes, but other than that? No. I am not sure if I am ready for a bunch of friend watching my every move to make sure I don't jump off the next bridge.

I guess what they say is true. I am a strong woman. I am a depressed hoarder, but my kids are fed and have clean clothes, the house has been a lot worse than it is now, the kids get rides to activities and support with school work. James and I are TOTALLY pulling this off. 

I am strong. The crying is symptom. This, too, will pass. And once it is over, I will be stronger because of it!